Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Food City 500 - Bristol, March 25, 2007

(Streeeeeeeeeeeetch.) Ho hum. Oh me. Late start this week, eh? Busy day already at Willard's - had our first customer at 6:30am. Little Bavarian girl. Had a Honda Dream that needed work. Paid us in Deutcsche Marks er sumpin'. Heckuva nice gal, though. Guten Tag, to you too, Fraulein!

So. Bristol. Hm. Whazzit just us, or was it not quite as exciting in past years? Maybe it was - it kinda seems to me like every year I keep thinking, "Isn't this supposed to be more exciting?" and then right at the end - during the third encore, BAM!! "Moon River"!!!! -- oh wait. That was an Andy Williams show at Branson...

I mean, during the last three laps - WHAMMO! We got us a dog fight! And this year was no different. Once again we see Jeff Burton and Kyle fucking Busch duking it out for the second time this year. And damn if the biggest surprise wasn't that Busch didn't wreck old Jeff. Or vice versa. Which - yanno - you wouldn't expect from Jeff. But Briscoe Darlin would say - and many of the fans agreed - "He had a legal right."

Much as I despise those Busch kids, I'll give Kyle this much: that kid can save a car from wrecks that only a small handful of other drivers could. Probably because he's had so damn much practice, cuz that kid can wreck all by himself. We've seen it happen thousands of times. Even during testing. So Burton did give Busch a gentle noodge to push him outta the way, knowing that it was fully within Busch's capacity to save it. The Kid did save it, and went on to win the race fair and square.

It makes me sick to death to see a Burton lose to a Busch, but Kyle seems to be picking up on the Martin Martin school of racing, and if it were to stick (I don't see that happening...), I'd be happy. He seems to have a slightly higher IQ than his big brother, but only time will tell if he'll adapt to that style of racing permanently. And what the hey, Jeff's still only 3 points behind Championship Points Leader Jeff Gordon, so we go that going for us.

Which is nice.

So on the the pre-race ceremonies.

THE INVOCATION : given by the Reverend Mike Rife? Wright? -(who knows, the still lame ABC/ESPN neglected to credit him in print onscreen.) From The Van Zant ? Church of Christ in Van Zant?, Virginia. (We'll go 'head and say "Van Zant", since comic/musician Tim Wilson claims to be a "Skynyrd Baptist, so it kinda fits with that theme.) It was short and sweet, and Rev. Mike sounded a good bit like Mr. Haney from Green Acres; so that was a bonus.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM sung pretty ably by Mercury Recording Artist Billy Currinton would have been perfectly fine. EXCEPT that instead of singing the prescribed "Oh say can you see", he sang "Whoah-ho say can you see". I'm sorry, that ought to be an automatic forfit, but we'll just take one full point away for that, and then another one for later when he said "Whoah-ho say does that...." later on. Doofus. Other than that, and the extra few notes he used on "wave", which he actually did fairly tastefully - tastefully enough that I woulda overlooked that altogether, he gets:

TWO STARS From everybody at Willard's Garage

THE FLYOVER: Four VFMA 312 Checkerboards out of Beaufort, S.C. They were beautiful, and ABC at least had the courtesy to credit them onscreen. Which, if they for some stupid reason can only put a banner for one blessed thing at the bottom of the screen, it should be for the military doing the flyover, so they got one thing right, at least.

THE COMMAND: By Racing Legend, Junior Johnson , was (duh) fucking cool, man!!! Beforehand, I had said, "Oh my God! Please don't let him screw it up, because I couldn't stand to have to say anything bad about Junior Johnson." Cecil shot back with, "It's Junior fucking Johnson! He could fart it and I'd give him four stars!!!"

Heh. Well, no worries - you could tell he was shouting it as loud as he possibly could - you know how his voice is, he don't have a lot of lung-age to back up super-loud hollerin'.... and cuz he's still racy, he said it real fast, too! "Gentlemen, start your engines!!!"

FOUR STARS for Junior! and a big Rebel Yell from Cecil and me.

EXTRA SUMPIN' They let D.W. wave the Green Flag. He tried to get everyone to yell "Boogity, boogity, boogity" but you couldn't tell if it worked out or not cuz the cars were so loud. Prolly just as well....

A little bonus "heads up" - I just heard Tony Stewart say that they'd have A.J. Foyt on as an extra special guest on his Sirius radio show right around Indy 500 time!! Gotta remind myself to buy my Daddy an indoor Sirius radio before then - he's been a Foyt fan ever since Foyt started driving, and he's been a fan of Smoke ever since I told him that Foyt loved him some Tony Stewart. Previous to that, my Daddy hadn't cared much for Smoke, but that's all it took. Now Tony the Tiger is his man! Previous to that he'd backed Jr. (and still does), cuz he was an Ironhead fan, too.

Y'all Should Hate Me

I Should write about Bristol. I got sumpin' started on the singing and all. But it's such a beautiful day here in Henrico County, Virginia. Crow Holler - just s'mere's between Richmond, Mechanicsville, Henrico & Hanover Counties. One and one-half mile from the oval known as Richmond International Raceway. Where I been hearing stock cars buzzing around since about 8am. Jayski says they started at 1pm, but I guaran-damn-tee you somebody was out early, cuz I heard 'em.

And this is why you should hate me. I ain't goin'. And even Ward Burton is there, for Chrissakes!! But I'm content to sit & listen. Maybe tomorrow I'll go & hope some of the guys I like are there, but we'll see. On my list is Ward (duh), Blaney, Hamlin (maybe), Mears (maybe- just to tell him I saw his Uncle Rick on fire IN PERSON!! ), and maybe Stephen Leicht just to listen to him talk & study on him for awhile. Cuz he's one of the ones I may have to call "gay" on. The boy admitted - on National Television mind you - that his favorite music is show tunes. And he does have a very slight lisp. So, I'm not saying, I'm just sayin'.

Here's who I got blaring through my office window right now:

When: Tuesday, March 27 – Wednesday, March 28.

Times: 1 - 5:00 p.m.; 6 - 9:00 p.m. each day.

Scheduled Drivers: Eric McClure, J.J. Yeley, Clint Bowyer, Regan Smith, Kyle Busch, David Ragan, Mike Wallace, Scott Riggs, Dave Blaney, Sam Hornish Jr., Kyle Krisiloff, Todd Kluever, Matt Kenseth, Brad Coleman, Denny Hamlin, Timothy Peters, Todd Bodine, Casey Mears, David Gilliland, Richard Johns, Erik Darnell, Ward Burton, Robert Richardson Jr., Jeff Burton, Scott Wimmer, Tony Raines, Bobby Hamilton Jr., Brent Sherman, Jamie McMurray, Jason Leffler, David Stremme, Kevin Hamlin, Jon Wood, Marcos Ambrose, Carl Edwards, Steve Wallace, Shane Huffman, Stephen Leicht, Bobby Santos, David Reutimann, Daniel Hanniford, Justin Diercks.

I actually slept today from about 8am-1pm. The sound of those cars whizzing around sometimes makes me sleepy. Of course, you talkin' to the lady who slept through the Indianapolis 500 when she was 5 or 6 years old. On the finish line, about 50 seats up from the track. And even back in the 1960s, them cars were fuckin' LOUD!!!

Heh. Heh. PS: I don't feel so bad now. I just found out Rankin' Rob has the chance to do something WAAAAAAAAAY cooler than I do today, and he's taking a pass on it, too. I ain't gonna out him - but you Smoke fans would skin him alive...

I can't decide if we've gotten old and jaded, old and lazy, old and stupid, or just old. Rob, you and me, buddy, we really need to get our priorities straight....

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Bristol Busch Race-Sharpie Mini 300 - Blue Highway

Darn. Yanno what? I shoulda started this earlier this evening, but I got to doing this & that and now I am just so plum wore out I can't hardly move, let alone focus to write, Our very beloved friends Kitty & Beaker came over & spent the afternoon, so once I do get around to posting, we can also add their "reviews" of the pre-race entertainment. Which should be amusing, at least. As far as we know they've never sat through an entire NASCAR race of any type all the way through, so we sort of "broke in" NASCAR virgins. We had a blast visiting with them, and unfortunately don't get to see them often, so I felt kinda bad having the race on during their visit - but at least we had the sound down most of the time. It's hard to explain to non-NASCAR fans that you just live for that few minutes when they might maybe talk to your favorite driver, or even just talk about him, for Lord's sake! And trying to explain Ward Burton to anyone is...well... you can imagine!!

So I'm gonna leave this here the way it is, and hopefully come back later to delete this wordy apology & fill in the blanks just for Posterity's sake. Try to at least keep a record of who sang what and when and all. and I'd like to start reviewing Mojo's Manifold Destiny radio show, too. Just so y'all know what you're missing!

I need to try to get some super serious rest before the REAL shenanigans tomorrow!! Jayski says it all starts at 11:30am with Race Day Live , which you know we never miss - and will go until 10pm once DeSpain goes off the air. HOLY PETE!! How will the wolf survive? Why am I still up? I must be nuts!!

Over and out- talk to y'all Monday!

Big Dix

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Musings on Mikey - Part Two of Several- "Only His Hairdresser Knows For Sure..."

Looks like Mikey's beard might be uncomfortable. Seems like his throat whiskers would itch under that Nomex, too.

From Urban Dictionary Online
1. Beard
Any opposite sex escort taken to an event in an effort to give a homosexaul person the apperance of being out on a date with a person of the opposite sex.
"Half of the women on the red carpet at the movie premier were not real dates, but beards."

2. beard
A man or woman used as a cover for a gay partner.
"Poor Jenny, she has no idea that she's been Allen's beard for the past 5 years."

Speaking of what goes on behind closed garage doors and keeping things to yourself, just how long will we have to wait until Michael Waltrip comes all the way out of the closet? I think that if and when it happens, it will be less a closet he pops out of, but something more fun, flamboyant and racy - like popping out of the roof of his car at the Daytona 500 and lisping in that studied Andy Griffith drawl of his,

"I hereby proclaim it's now Gaytona, I'm loud, proud, I'm queer and I'm here!!! So just deal with it, y'all, because I am here to declare NASCAR is officially FABULOUS!!!!!" (By the way, feel free to go visit Betty Jack over at Gaytona.com sometime if ya wanna get the gay beat on NASCAR goings on. Betty Jack is cool as hell, and although Aunt Dixie don't mind you slammin' Mikey for whatever reason, cut Betty Jack some slack, cuz Miss Thing has balls the size of church bells to be doing what she's doin' over there.)

Me and Cecil have been convinced for some time now that Mikey is queer as pink ink, and have a lot of reasons why we believe that, but we've had a lot of folks disagree for various reasons. The dumbest one being that "He can't be gay! He's married and has a kid!!!"

Please. You're gonna have to do better than that. See the opening definition.

Besides the nay-gay-sayers, a frequent response to our allegations/suspicions is "Who fucking cares if he's gay or not? If he's a good race car driver, what fucking difference does it make?"

A very good point, and I agree with it to a large extent. A lot of people, many of our gay friends included, wish that gay people would just shut the fuck up about being gay. They don't understand the need for anyone of any sexual orientation to go around announcing it to the rest of the world. And we can dig that. To a degree they're right. It shouldn't matter anymore than this whole Diversity Push that NASCAR has been pitching hard. Big time hard. Harder than Chinese Algebra hard. Ron Jeremy hard -- for the last couple years. Why do we have to make a big fucking deal out of Bill Lester or Willie T. Ribbs or Wendell Scott? Why do they need to need to emphasize that hip-hop gangsta Nellie was part-owner of a Craftsman Truck team for five minutes?

I think y'all are getting the picture. If we're gonna carry on about black folks -and to a lesser degree, Hispanics -- racin', why isn't anyone playing "The Gay Card"? I think deep down we all know the answer to that, but nobody will say it out loud.

I can't make up my mind if I wanna say it out loud right here and now, or do a little experiment and let y'all weigh in on this first before I continue on with my theories. I think I'll go with the latter. I love experiments!! I wanna see what you guys have to say first, then I'll weigh in with my opinion -

And look, y'all - I'm dead serious about you not holding back. I'll make no bones about it - we have a whole buncha gay friends, boys and girls, and we love them to death. Love them to pieces!! But if you happen to be of a like mind as, say, former NBA star, Tim Hardaway , I don't want you to hold back. You're as entitled to speak your mind as the next guy, and I'd like to hear it. Just do me a favor & try to back up your opinions & expletives with a decent argument and/or hypothesis. If you say hateful things just for the sake of being mindlessly hateful, (i.e. - act like a dumbass) I'll come at ya like a Spider Monkey, Chee-up!

There's a couple other NASCAR drivers that me 'n' Cecil wonder about, too - and I'll tell ya who later - but do let us know if there's anyone you might suspect. It will be fun to compare our answers and speculations. (And to reiterate, we don't think it's Jeff Burton or Matt Kenseth, we just like pokin' fun at them!).

Since it's pretty far back in the archives, I'll restate that Rankin' Rob has pointed the "Metrosexual Finger" at Jamie McMurray. Heh heh! I don't think even Jamie would argue with that! That poor kid - he's so funny - I remember Bob Dillner was interviewing him around the garage area one time, and mid-sentence, Jamie's eyes grew big, he stopped speaking, and he began giggling as you could see his head following someone who was passing by in front of them, but behind the camera guy. It took a few seconds to compose himself again, and McMurray literally had to "shake off" whatever it was he saw, then he apologized to Dillner for losing track, but he "...just couldn't believe what that guy was wearing!! What was he thinking!!!! " He then made fun of himself for being overly fashion-conscious.

I think he tried to blame it partially on working for Rusty Wallace at the time, as Rusty is very fastidious -- one might even say anal -- about everything, including his attire. Little Jamie said even he was astonished that Rusty actually insisted that his blue jeans be ironed so that there was a distinct, crisp crease on the legs. I wonder if Ironhead knew that?

Oh yeah - for fun, I'll add this question: What do you suppose would happen if -- and this is merely a hypothetical supposition, I'm not accusing anyone of anything! -- what if Dale Jr. publicly announced that he was gay? We've speculated on this before - sometimes crackin' wise about the repercussions, and sometimes flat-out cringing at the possible scenarios that might ensue.

Musings on Mikey - Part One of Several- "The Other One"

photo by Eric Gilbert

photo by Michael C. Johnson

photo by Eric Gilbert, and all photos courtesy of motorsports.com

From "The NASCAR Fan's Online Dictionary (Now! New! With Illustrations!!)"
Main Entry: ubiq·ui·tous
Pronunciation: u-beh-quit-us
Function: adjective
existing or being everywhere at the same time - constantly encountered - WIDESPREAD : a ubiquitous fashion
- ubiq·ui·tous·ly adverb
- ubiq·ui·tous·ness noun

Whether you love him, hate him, or would just as soon not think about him at all, the subject of Michael Waltrip is always bound to elicit more opinions than you can shake a dipstick at. This will be one in a series of thoughts & ponderings that Michael Waltrip has provoked here at the Garage.

The gang here at Willard's Garage certainly don't hate him, and often get a big kick out of him, but we certainly can empathize with those of you who just flat out dislike him, and want all of you to know that you're encouraged to voice your own opinions freely, colorfully, and hopefully with a healthy smattering of swear words if you are so inclined. If nothing else, Willard's Garage is sort of the "Outlaw NASCAR Blog" - in that we ain't beholdin' to the France family - or anyone else's family for that matter - so if you need to say what's on your mind, no holds barred - we're your Huckleberry. We've been told that some poor sods and sots out there can't even cuss on their own websites, due to some kind of ethereal cyber swear jar.

So feel free to cut loose on your comments, fellas - what happens at Willard's, stays at Willard's. Unless you're a damn fool and give your Aunt Fanny our web address, in which case - you spilled that canna oil on yourself.

One of our biggest gripes about Mikey is that thing, that tiny, tow-headed tumor you see affixed to various parts of Mr. Waltrip's body wherever he goes. He says it's his "daughter" and he calls it "Macy". Now since this critter is spotted attached to various parts of his body on any given day, our original theory about it being some sort of vestigial remnant or even a living Siamese twin of sorts, was blown; as either one of those items would stay put. But this Macy-thing can be found atop his shoulders, walking at Mikey's side, or balanced atop one or the other of his hips. At least half of the time you see shots of him at the track, Miss Macy Mess is always nearby.

We all know NASCAR is very high on Family Values, and we're all for that. But Michael Waltrip treats "little" Macy more like a fashion accessory than an offspring. She's like a little, walkin', talkin' feather boa.

Her given name is Margaret Carol Waltrip. I'm guessing Mikey chose "Macy" as her "to be called" name because it's a combination of "Mikey" and "racy". Or maybe Macy's is just his favorite place to shop for pretty clothes for Macy, Buffy and The Other One" to wear. And for him to borrow. Because Mikey has confessed to a lot of things on national television, and at least once he has alluded to not being averse to the idea of "trying on" women's clothes.

I believe the exact quote, from an episode of "Trackside" a couple years back was, (and one must imagine Michael's drawling lisp while reading this):

"I like to dray-ess like a guuuurl." And excusing himself for this slightly unusual proclivity by saying that unlike some people, he was comfortable with who he is and "secure" in his manhood.

To prove he wasn't kidding around, a week or so later he appeared on the Halloween episode of "Trackside" dressed as a lady cop, complete with a shoulder length, blonde wig. And lemme tell ya, just like a vain woman, he could not stop fussin' with his hair - stroking it, tucking it behind his ears, and flipping it back with the back of his hand ala Cher. I have a feeling his only regret about the "costume" (something tells me that get-up might get worn more than just on Halloween -- behind closed bedroom doors at the Waltrip Mansion) was that lady cops are required to wear britches instead of something like a flattering A-line skirt.

(It is possible the "girl cop" thing was just him combining two fantasies - since besides a fondness for the feminine, he also seems to fashion his "manly" side after Sheriff Andy Taylor, right down to the hair style & studied speech & mannerisms.)

Although... he may have preferred a Bob Mackie designer cop suit. Bob Mackie being the best fashion designer choice for Mikey, because besides being noted for flamboyant gowns, Bob Mackie is also known for designing outfits for Barbie dolls, which is EXACTLY what Mikey treats wee Macy like. His own personal Barbie doll. Since it's inappropriate for grown men to play with Barbies, and he can't really run around the garage in a cocktail dress and stilletoes, he can live out some of his fantasies through his beloved Macy.

'Tho he often can't fully realize all of his fantasies, as evidenced by his frustration of Macy's wanting to dress "like a wee-atch" that same Halloween. Lord, he was upset. (imagine the lee-usp, now! - from now on, when I want you to imagine Mikey's lisping, Kentucky drawl while reading quotes from him, I'll just prompt you by saying "LEE-USP", m'kay?):

"Macy's going to go as a wee-utch this Halloween. I don't like that. I wanted her to be an angel, cuz she's my little angel, but she wanted to be a wee-utch." He was truly disgusted about the whole affair, and intimated he didn't approve of his in-laws, who Macy was with that Halloween, allowing her to do such a thing. I wonder if he'll let her read those Satanic Harry Potter books when she gets old enough...?

He was so upset he even forgot to plug anyone, just went on and on about Macy. The way he dotes on that kid is just sick. And ya know, until a couple of years ago, we weren't even aware he HAD another kid. A couple years ago we noticed that once in a very great while SPEED TV's cameras would catch part of another child's head near Mikey & Buffy & Macy. At first we thought it must have been another driver's kid, or one of Macy's fray-ends along for the weekend, or maybe a cousin. But somebody accidentally let something slip that made us realize that the other little girl was also Mikey's kid.

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!!!????!!! I watch a whole lotta hours of NASCAR anything on t.v. per week, and Mikey is on A TON of it - and it took that long for us to even catch a glimpse or hear so much as a whisper that he had another child? That is seriously messed up, people. We just started calling her "The Other One". Because that seems to be the way Mikey views her.

There's "his little angel Macy", and then there's "The Other One". Who we know virtually nothing about. He puts that damn Macy on t.v. every fucking chance he gets, but nary a mention of "The Other One". Pee Paw Schrader often talks about how Mikey "has issues" and makes fun of how many toys Mikey has in his attic, but MAN! I betcha "The Other One" has at least as many "issues", gettin' treated the way she does. Hell, he may as well have her locked up in the same attic where he keeps all them crazy toys Pee Paw's always alluding to. That poor girl is going to need some major therapy one day, if they ever let her & the rest of Mikey's skeletons out of the closet.

Poor little thing. It reminds me of the character of Robert (Brad Garrett) - the brother of Ray, in "Everybody Loves Raymond" . You know how everybody ignores poor Robert and dotes on Raymond?

It's sick, I tell you!! I did a little Googling and all I could find out was this little girl, whose name is Caitlin Marie Waltrip, is from a previous marriage. Hell, I didn't even know Mikey had been married before until yesterday! He has no qualms about telling the entire world he likes to dress like a girl, but never talks about a previous marriage or a daughter from it. Now, if I read right, Mikey proposed to Buffy in 1993. So I guess Poor Caitlin Marie would have to be at least, what? 15 years old?

This "other" little girl we catch glimpses of on the t.v. doesn't seem like she's quite that old, but it's hard to tell, since all we get to see is a split second of part of her elbow or the top of her head or something. And the only internet photos I could find seemed a few years old, so? (shrug). WTF? Mate? What gives?

One more thing- as the photos indicate -- Macy ain't gettin' any smaller as the years pass. Just how fucking long is Mikey gonna insist on CARRYING that fuckin' kid every goddam where?? Jesus! Good thing he's tall. If he was Ward Burton's size (5' 6"), that kid's fuckin' feet would be dragging the ground. And I hate to say it, but she seems like such a spoiled, attention whore that I imagine she'd let him carry her around until she was 20 or 30 years old. She may actually be a sweet, good little girl, but Mikey's constant doting on her doesn't exactly endear her (or him) to a whole lot of people.

Stay tuned for more musings on Toyota, Wally's World, Gay Stuff, The Wild and Crazy Buffy, Sponsors and other Waltrippings. Meanwhile, I think ol' Remus Dawson, who visits here once in a great while, knows a thing or two about psychology - maybe he can give us some insights into the inner workings of all this drama.

Monday, March 19, 2007

The Kobalt 500 Nextel Cup Race - Coo'lanta

The God of All Things Racing and Sexiest Common Tater on Racin' T.V. He also has a wide assortment of very infectious laughs. Don't miss him every Monday at 8pm Eastern on SPEED TV. Between him, Pee-Paw (Ken Schrader) Mikey Waltrip and (often) Greg Biffle, it is the funniest damn racing show on television!! Everybody busts Mikey's balls every single chance they get. Bless his heart.

Oh my, my, my. People, people, people.... so much to share, so little room! If I start digressing, as I so often do, Stay With Me Biscuits, there is actual NASCAR content throughout.

Lord I love our readers here at Willard's, y'all are the best. Giving Aint Dixie so much fodder for commentary I can barely think straight. Cecil nearly bought me a shirt once that said, "I Can't Even Think Straight" - he saw it used for $3.00 at our local Gay/Lesbian Owned Thrift Shop. I shit you not. You want good quality used merchandise? Go to a Gay/Lesbian thrift shop, you can do no wrong there. Gay folks tend to buy high dollar, high quality items, take good care of them, and tire of them quickly. You can find 100 years old pump organs in mint condition, as well as 100s of Jimmie Johnson t-shirts. All the mos gave up on his tired ass after Kasey Kahne hit the Cup tracks. They say he looks like Errol Flynn or some old silent movie star. Sadly, you'll also find a lot of old Jeff Gordon apparel. When our gay friends found out the whole "Rainbow Deal" had to do with a paint company and not a social statement, they kicked ol' Wonder Boy to the curb like a cold souffle.

You think I'm kiddin' about gay guys likin' Kasey K.? Ask Michael Waltrip. It''s been 7 months and he still can't shut up about how dreamy Kahne was in his "Snuggle" fabric softener firesuit. I'd tell you who needs a firesuit 24-7.... but y'all already know.

But I digress. RaceFan57 & Co., I refer you to my archives where the NASCAR lavender theories abound in abundance! Some with verification. Of sorts. And more to come, I'm sure.

.....so just one more indulgence, if you will. Did we all notice who finished 3 & 4th together at Atlanta? Do we ALWAYS notice who run together whenever possible? Do we always notice that whenever Mr. B or Mr. K starts in the rear (giggle), they frantically push their way through the crowded track to get to their boyfriend's behind? Did we note Kenseth say the other day he likes to be on the bottom with Burton? Seemed like this time Burton was doin' the catchin', not the pitchin' in Atlanta, but hey! We all need to try new things to spice up our relationships now & then, non? Do I have the mentality & sense of humor of a 13 year old boy? Duh....... yeaah. Heh heh. Heh. Right Beavis? Huh huh.

Seriously, though - Burton & Kenseth are the new Smoke & Jr. . Get on board the Love Train. Shoot, Cecil and I still have a 3(ish) year old, yellowed, newspaper photo on our fridge featuring a starry-eyed Smoke & Jr. looking like they're about to kiss. From whichever Daytona 500 it was when one of 'em pushed the other to the win. 2004? Maybe? All it's lacking is little cheeping cartoon birdies flitting about their noggin's which little hearts all around them.

But to the pre-race entertainment.

Biggest pre-race disappointment of the day was Quentin Tarantino being a no-show. He was busy wrapping up stuff for his new "double feature" Grindhouse , with compadre Roberto Rodriguez, which looks cool as hell, by the way. So QT - who would have kicked ass on the command, sent Kurt Russell in his stead. Just to promote the movie - not be the Grand Marshall or anything.

As a kid, I had a tiny crush on ol' Kurt Russell - just a tiny one - I was really all in for Jody Foster, but that's another story for another day. But Kurt Russell the cute teen-idol turned into a big, tough, hottie, and I'm good with that. Ol' Kurt told our Wendy Venturini that he'd never attended a NASCAR event before, but he was a big racing fan in general, following the Indy Cars a bit, and also having raced - and won a championship- in quarter and half-midgets in his youth. He explained that Tarantino was indeed a BIG NASCAR fan, and friends with Carl Edwards, who he is trying to get Tarantino to cast him in a movie.

Hmmmm.....Cecil and I decided that's something we could do without, unless it was just a brief cameo where Tarantino cast him in a role where he didn't have to say much. Say, like sitting in someone's basement chained to a chair, clad in leather, and with a rubber ball strapped into his mouth. Oddly enough, as I was fixing to type the last line there, PRN's Doug Rice was on the radio giving Buddy Baker an account of Russell visiting them in the booth, and the only question fellow commentator Mark Garrow could think to ask Kurt Russell was if he'd had ever seen Carl Edwards with his shirt off!!! Let the ga(y)mes begin!

Doug Rice was mortified and disgusted with his partner, stating that here they had one of the butchest, coolest guys in Hollywood who had starred in such classics as Escape From New York and Tombstone -(at which point Buddy Baker could not resist quoting the former, lisping, "You're a daisy if ya do!", and "I'm yer Huckleberry!"), but all Mark Garrow can think of is Carl Edward's nekkid torso. Gads!! Jimmy Spencer was later compelled to add that ol' Snake Pliskin was a "card carrying member of the NRA", which somehow helps to restore order in the Universe.

Funny anecdotes, but no Quentin Tarantino. More's the pity. Maybe they can get him before the Texas race - Hell, Rodriguez is based in Austin- maybe we could get BOTH of them!!! How much Booty Barker would that kick???

Pre-Race Hoopla (zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........)

....was begun by colors being presenting by some group with the word "Lovejoy" in their name. I include this only because every single time me and Cecil hear the word "lovejoy" for any reason, we both have to announce in a lilting, British tone, "Lovejoy?!". On accounta that old t.v. show called "Lovejoy", starring Ian McShane, who played an antique collecting, super sleuth. A far, far cry from his character in "Deadwood". But a great little show in it's time. "Lovejoy?!"

THE INVOCATION Given again by Bill Brannen, who appeared to have reinvented himself overnight, eschewing the dark suit, silver neck-tie, and clean hair brushed back into a fastidious pony-tail he donned for the Busch Race, and appearing with his shoulder length hair kinda ratty looking, wearing a dark blue 3/4 sleeve jersey with a silver horizontal stripe, and blue jeans. After a quick whisking by of "God stuff", he then added - presumably to God himself - "Say 'hey' to James for us...!!".

We have no clue who James was, but that was really cool. We liked him.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM sung by that dadgum Darryl Worley again. What the heck? Cecil seemed to like Worley a lot better this time - we don't know why. He don't love him, he just didn't hate him as much. Cecil said, "He did alright. He just looks like one of those cookie-cutter country singers I despise. He looks like a failed male model. ....at least he cleaned up a little...."

Which he did. Although he was still tres casual, he didn't look like he stank, and he actually seemed awake. He annunciated the "t"s at the end of the words that needed 'em. He didn't get as notey, and on his second crack at the song, it does seem that the only reason he threw in no more than three extra notes on any given syllable, they were the words that are just a booger to get high enough for anyhow. And that's.... ....okay, sez Stuart Smalley. I'd rather hear a few extra notes than just one, long, drawn out flat thing. He sang it pretty danged slow - I'm thinking the voices in his ear were instructing him to do so until the troops arrived, so I won't fault him for that. This time around,

TWO AND A HALF STARS from Cecil. Again.
THREE STARS From The Butcher, cuz he was better than last week, but not that much better.

THE FLYOVER Ai yi yi!! Well, ABC got it right last week. But FOX, with the "help" of ESPN fucked up again. ::::::Le sigh. Now, they did actually show the four black helicopters - a couple different times, in fact. But there was no credit given what-so-fucking-ever. GOD DAMMIT!! I hate those guys!! Hate 'em!!! This is our military. They spend millions of taxpayer dollars advertising on a whole big, fat bunch of these race cars. And a not inconsiderable amount of money having these magnificent young men and women actually fly these amazingly cool aircraft over all of the NASCAR races. So WHY? WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS AMERICAN AND JUST AND GOOD can these fucktards at ESPN not manage to get one of their HUNDREDS of computer geeks who work in the A.V. department type out a few words to put at the bottom of the screen to acknowledge our military? That irks me more than just damn near any other mistakes those people make. Lord it makes me hot.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, there were a total of four super-duper cool black helicopters. One appeared to be a Black Hawk, and I don't know what the other three were. Or where any of them were from or what they called themselves or anything.

FIVE STARS for the cool choppers and those who flew them.
SUCK MY DICK!!!!!! To FOX and ESPN for not being able to get their shit together.

THE COMMAND Was given by Grand Marshall and CEO of Lowe's, who said "Gentlemen, start your engines." like a pussy. Not as pussified as a few of the really wimpy CEO's of the past, not "my wife beats the crap out of me every Friday night" pussy, and not "Nicholas Cage-style Poser Pussy". Just wimpy and wussy. Feh. Figures some goob from Lowes would be that way. No testicular fortitude.

NEGATIVE THREE STARS from the boys back at the shop. They oughtta suspend Jimmie Johnson from a race for having such a sissy butt sponsor.

ONE MORE THING! For those of you who catch Dave Despain's Sunday night program, Wind Tunnel, you know that near the end they do a little bit called "Eye Candy", which takes a random, cool, racy song and does a fun montage of various cool and fun racing moments from the past week. This week's "Eye Candy" began with that poor little Holly Summey, who sang our Nat'l Anthem before the Busch Race. She painfully flatly & confidently sang up to "dawn's early light...", at which point Despains cool crew flipped on Motorhead's Ace of Spades !!!!!!! WHOOHOOOOOOOO! and YIP YIP YIP!!! Great fun, great fun! Love ya, Dave! And that ultra-hip crew ya got working for ya, too!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Singings & So-ons from the Truck & Busch Races in Georgia

The Crow Holler 300 is now available in a GIANT limited edition print from WesFreed.com . (If that link don't work, try the Wes Freed link over to the right there...)

We'll do this quick and dirty today, as Aint Dixie is savin' up for the really fun stuff in the Cup Race tomorrow. Rankin' Rob says Quentin Tarantino is giving the command, and the boys back at the shop cain't hardly wait! We reckon he's going to be promoting his new joint venture with perennial Willard's Garage favorite, Roberto Rodriguez, called Grindhouse . And it looks, as the saying goes, "Hotter than Georgia Asphalt in July."

For flavors sake, I'll add that as I type this I can hear cars roaring around Richmond International Raceway, which is 1.5 miles from Willard's Garage. Must be having a Richard Petty Driving Experience there today, as it sounds like stock cars. When the Indy Cars are there it sounds more like gigantic mosquitoes.

CRAFTSMEN TRUCK SERIES: American Commercial Lines 200

The Invocation : was given ably by Rev. Tom Summers of the Carver Road Baptist Church of Griffen, Georgia. He specifically asked for God to grace the pit crews, and then I could have sworn he asked that God get "all the Glory" for the race.

How odd.

Our National Anthem : was performed by a Miss Holly Summey. I Googled her & couldn't find anything, so we reckon she's just some local gal with nice pipes. Cute little blonde thing with a turned up nose. Looked like most all of the NASCAR wives and pit lizards, but she did a fine job singing. She was a hair flat in a lot of places, but not so bad the average person would notice. She did use TEN!! count 'em TEN!! notes on the word "wave" - which really makes me mad, as y'all know, so:

TWO STARS from Dixie
THREE AND A HALF STARS from Cecil, who apparently got distracted by her comliness.

The Command : was given by American Commeercial Lines CEO, Jerry Linzey, and lemme tell ya, people... (excuse me while I giggle first....) - Mr. Linzey really tried hard to put some air in it, and he shouted it out fairly well in a tenorish voice, but he lisped like a sleepy drag queen, Bless His Heart. Wethinks Jerry might be a fairy. And that's all good- cuz you know what we love at Willard's. There is little more pleasant to the ear than the drawl of an effiminate Southern man.

So THREE STARS for Jerry's, "Driversth! Sthart yer engines!!!!!"

And on a somewhat separate (??!!??) note, it's always nice to have Michael Waltrip in the booth announcing the truck races - his commentary is always entertaining. As is Todd Bodine insisting on calling Phil Parsons "Philsy". We love that.


BUSCH SERIES: Nicorette 300

Invocation: Bill Brannen, AMS Chaplain. Nothing special, really. Thank you Lord Baby Jesus and all.

The National Anthem: sung by The New Life Inspirational Gospel Choir, which was a whole bunch of black college kids from various schools. and whose motto is "To magnify God, edify the believer and evangelize the world, beginning at home!". Okay. Thanks, Kids! Nice job! I feel magnified, edified and evangelized.

Their arrangement was oddly Ivy League in tone, but there were a few shouty hot-doggers in the group who couldn't help showing off their Gospel chops a bit, despite the very WASPY arrangement, and overall it was cool. A tad uneven tonally, but you're going to get that when you have 10 or 20 people singing into 3 or 4 microphones at the same time.

THREE STARS from Willard's.

And a question: they seem to try to employee black singers a good bit for the National Anthem - which we have no problem with at all, as long as they don't get too notey. We don't like it when white folks get too notey either. But do y'all think NASCAR tries to go out of their way to hire black singers & entertainers whenever possible? As part of this almost desperate push for diversity? It just seems to us that sometimes they're trying too hard & being painfully obvious about it. Like in the winner's circle at any given race, I swear to God I think they deliberately place black folks right behind whoever the winner is, so when the clip gets shown on newscasts across the US people can say, "Wow! There's a black guy at a NASCAR race!"

THE COMMAND: was given by the Parsons family, as the race was dedicated to B.P. Very nice, and very touching. Phil resolutely said, "BP, this one's for you.", then the family all shouted "Gentlemen! Start your engines!!" in unison.

It was very nice, and very moving. God bless them all.

Monday, March 12, 2007

The Other End of Vegas

Sheesh. I'm beat. Took a nap after the race. Thought I'd do another slap dash dealio here and just rehash as I recall it it, without reviewing the tape and all, cuz.... what the hell? Ward got taken out by Robby Reckum Gordon on lap 3 and Jimmie Johnson won, so who fuckin' cares, right?

Ward was unusually kind in the post wreck interview, saying "damn" and "hell" when appropriate, but complementing Robby on his driving skills, and implying that Robby seems to suffer from a lack of oxygen after he puts his helmet on, and that he might be suffering from a lack of clear thinking. Nicely played, Ward. The little gay ESPN common tater called it, "Classic Ward Burton", and heralded Ward's return to Cup racing.

THE INVOCATION: Kenny Farmer again. Nice job, Kenny. He praised Baby Jesus for the Neon Garage in Las Vegas.

THE ANTHEM: Was done by some little girl who is the lead soprano in the Vegas production of "Phantom of the Opera" and she had a sorta high roof to her mouth. She did it nice and straight. Nothing special, but no complaints. Me 'n' Cecil figure Vegas is the place for NASCAR to really cheese it up & clown around, so we were hoping for Robert Goulet again. He sang a lounge version of our National Anthem a couple years back that was so over the top it had Mark Martin leaning on his car, shoulders heaving with laughter. And that was "the old Mark Martin". You know, Eyore.

Anyhow, we'll give Miss Phantom TWO AND A HALF STARS WTF?

THE FLYOVER: 5, count 'em, 5!!! Thunderbirds! Gawd I love those things!!!! Yeeeehaw! No credits given on screen or on air - Can anyone tell us why one of the five planes dove down and the remaining four shot straight up & hot dogged? Was that a variation on a missing man formation or something?

THE COMMAND: This guy was not credited in any way either, other than Robin Leach announcing him and who he was. Some managerial hotshot with Daimler-Chrysler. He didn't belt it out to my satisfaction, but he was authoritative enough, so we'll give him a couple stars and I won't gripe about him.


So enough of that noise. Now, for the griping. We're pretty pleased with our new Sirius radio deal -- BUT!!!! , they cut off the re-airing of Mojo's racing show (at about 4am) to put Tony Stewart's show on - and Mojo was right about to interview Jeff Burton- or so he said.

Pissed us off!! Goddam Sirius didn't say on their website that Mojo would air AFTER the Busch Race, instead of the prescribed 3-6pm, so I went to bed for a few hours. THEN, they cut him off on the re-airing.

I will say this for Sirius - they got 10 driver-crew-spotter channels to listen to during the race - using the GOOD announcers like Jerry Punch and John Roberts, and anytime - even during commercials - that a driver, spotter or crew chief is talking, they bust in so you can hear it.

Now we know why Hay-Pee is picking up on Redneck talk so quick - his spotter is about Southern and he never shuts up, either. Hay-Pee don't say much, but his spotter is TALK-EEEEEEEE.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Vegas Busch Race - March '07

Leroy Mercer & "Friends" - I don't know how gooda friends you can be when you constantly punk the likes of Jack Rousch and Smoke on the telephone, but as Briscoe Darlin would say, "More power to 'im." He's a funny S.O.B. Check him out at leroymercer.com !! (photo by John Holtz)

"My spotter said 'spin in turn 4', so I did." - Ken Schrader.

Seems to be the catch phrase for the weekend at Viva Las Wreckfest.

THE INVOCATION: given by Kenny Farmer , Las Vegas Motor Speedway Chaplain, it was an appropriate racy invocation, kinda breezy and fun - he was cool.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: was performed by "903 Recording Artist", Darryl Worley, who I didn't think sucked all that bad, but Cecil sure didn't like him. I'll say one thing, he was a dirty mess. Nasty old black t-shirt, hadn't brushed his long, nappy hair or shaved, eyes at half-mast, looked like he'd been up all night gamblin' in Vegas or sumpin'.... Heh. Come to think of it, he reminded me a whole lot Cecil...

I thought ol' Darryl had a real nice, strong, country sounding voice with a range big enough to hit all the notes. Cecil pointed out that the notes he didn't hit where the ones he got mellifluous on - "bombs bursting in air" and "yet wave".... some of the extra notes were flat. Duly noted. Also noted by Cec was that he sang like he was awful tired and left off the "t" at the end of any word that had a "t" on the end, and that Worley gave him a "general bad vibe overall" -

TWO AND 1/2 STARS from Cecil.
THREE STARS from Dixie

THE FLYOVER: Fuckin' FINALLY!!! They got it right!!! Showed two F-15s or F-16s from Nellis Air Force Base in Las Vegas, depending on whether or not you believed the audio or what was written on the t.v. screen, but goddamit, at least they were acknowledged for THE FIRST TIME IN ESPN HISTO .... ohhhh.... wait.... it was on ABC in conjunction with ESPN.... Well fuck all, at least we got to see the jets and they got the credit they were due. They usually drag out the Thunderbirds for the Vegas races, but hey! I won't gripe!

THE COMMAND: was given by Major General Billy Mc Coy and he sounded like a fuckin' man, goddamit! Not some Nancy Boy like they been havin'. Maj. Gen. McCoy coulda whooped every male command giver from the last year and a half with one hand behind his back while calling them all "Private Pyle". When he barked,

"GENTLEMEN! Start your engines!!"

He was NOT playin'. It kicked ass. Cecil & I were wishing he would have said, "LADIES! Start your engines!" , though. Or maybe, "Start your engines you fuckin' Nancy Boys!". But he didn't. We loved him.

FIVE FUCKIN' STARS and a salute from Willard's Garage.


Kudos to ABC for playing Gram Parsons and EmmyLou Harris's "Oooh Las Vegas" repeatedly as outro music to commercials. Too bad they only played the picking & the word "oooh" before they'd cut to the t.v. ads - unless you knew the song, you'd be wondering what it had to do with Vegas. That chicken pickin' intro does sound racy, though...

.....and I been meaning to comment on this: What THE FUCK do y'all think about Aerosmith having changed the words to "Back in the Saddle Again" to fit with a NASCAR theme and doing a live video for it? I don't know what to think. It's kinda creepy, but..... I dunno. It freaks me out. I think of myself driving around in my dad's Camaro, Aerosmith's "Rocks" blaring from the eight-track player - (yes, Aunt Dixie is really that old ) -- when I was about 17, and NEVER, NEVAH!! in a million years would I have believed that one day, close to 30 years later, they would be schilling for NASCAR & changing their totally rawkin' tunes... Freaky.

Other comments:

Big YIP! to Jeff Burton for whoopin' Kyle Busch's ass AND being such a cool dude & good sportsman for going to check on him after he wrecked on the final - and riveting! - last lap. Helluva race.

Congrats to our man Ward Burton, too, for :

Finishing 15th on the lead lap, and
for finishing at all in that wreck-o-rama, and
for doing so well in a car he had run nary a lap in before the race, since he had wrecked his primary car on the last lap of the final Busch practice. Ward is kicking some major ass so far while having been dealt a rather sketchy hand. Go Whoad!!!

The Big Race tomorrow should be damned interesting.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Cool Media Overload...

Tony Stewart and his Mojo.

The Real Mojo. The Big Bad Mojo. Mojo Nixon. Lookin' kinda like a cross between a monkey and Patterson Hood.

Hay-Pee Montoya. Road Warrior. For some reason he reminds me of Mel Gibson. Or maybe the love child of Bobby Labonte and Mel Gibson. With a really, really good tan...

Lord People.

As if my life weren't complicated enough, we now have Sirius Radio. A Blessing and a Curse, to be sure. Before Siriius, I only had about 48 hours of "Must Hear Radio" per week, and about 30 hours of "Must See TV" per week. Nearly all of it somehow NASCAR related, or at least kin to some sort of redneckery.

But now Sirius gives us Mojo Nixon. A whole lot of Mojo. 20 hours a week of his outlaw country music show, "Loon in the Afternoon", 4 hours of his NASCAR show, "Manifold Destiny", and I'm not sure how many (either 1 or 4, it seems...we haven't heard it yet...) of his political talk show, "Lyin Cocksuckers".

And then, Oh Best Beloveds, we have Tony Stewart's weekly show on Tuesday, featuring his girlfriend Matt Yocum. Smoke and Matt get to let their hair down a bit, say a few non-France-sanctioned, almost swear words like "damn", "hell" and "ass", not to mention get a bit more colorful than they could on national television or their NASCAR sanctioned radio guest appearances, where P.C. is the operative word.

Witness Stewart, Yocum and sidekick Pabst (? that's what it sounded like...) discussing how Jeff Gordon may have been a pussy once, but he is as much a man as anyone driving in the Cup Series these days:

After the three finished making fun of how dorky Gordon looked in his younger days, and Stewart mentioned the "porn star mustache" he sported when he was, "like 15...",

Pabst added: "He had the full blown "Boogie Nights" porn mustache goin' "
Stewart said, "Yeah, but he pushed Matt Kenseth last year -- he's got testicles just like the rest of us...", then added, for no apparent reason, that "Nomex is an aphrodisiac." and that Gordon, "Had a hot wife, he's a good lookin' guy..."

They commented on Hay-Pee's controversial first Busch win in Mexico, and Stewart seemed to waffle on the issue without looking like an out and out pussy by saying that, "To me, if I was Juan, I woulda gone back there and beat his ass." - -meaning he woulda beat Scott Pruett's ass for being such a whiner about getting dumped by his team mate.

I dunno. I've seen PAH-LENTEEEEEE of NASCAR drivers cry like little girls way, way more than Pruett has for lesser violations. Smoke included. Bit of pot and kettlism if ya ask me. But it's still so fuckin' funny. Smoke pointed out something we also had a chuckle at -- in the midst of his bitchy tirade against his team mate, Scott Pruett quickly turned to look at the camera and quickly spit out, "I wanna say 'hi' to my family...", then immediately turned back to the pit reporter and resumed bitchin'. It almost had a whiff of a "Talladega Nights" moment to it.

If that wasn't a gay-ass, Hollywood move, I don't know what is -- other than good entertainment. Me thinks Princess Pruett Protesteth too much if he had his wits about him enough to pull that move.

All that aside, as our newly annointed, Oaf-icial NASCAR Writer Rankin' Rob ( congrat's, Rob!!) mentioned, looks like our new resident (coffee)-Beaner has a bit of Earnhardt in him, and may The Devil Take the Hindmost. Hay-Pee is gonna be tearing some shit up in a couple years.

During the Montoya discussion on his radio show, Tony Stewart casually interjected, "He's going to make a great Champion..." -- appropo of absolutely nothing. Just blurted it out in the middle of a busy, Howard Hawksian exchange between the three hosts. If Smoke said it, it might be true...

Okay, enough yakkin' and rehashin'. Aunt Dixie has work to do... much as I'd rather run my mouth about this. Sorry I layed down on Daytona, but fuck it. They just piled way too much on me, I couldn't cope.

As for the Busch Race in Mexico festivities:

THE INVOCATION: Well. Since it was in Mexican, I don't know how to judge it, but it sure sounded pretty & it looked cool. They had their Priest dressed up like the Pope, I Swannee. Long satin white robes and a funny hat and all... cool. They take that shit serious in Mexico. Oh dios mio!!

added attraction:
THE MEXICAN FLAG CEREMONY: Complete with a bugle core. They made a cool, giant production out of unfurling the Mexican flag with a lotta horny fanfare -- they say they do it every single day in Mexico -- I like that. Little Patriotism never hurt anyone. Either them bugles are damn hard to play (which we suspect), or the lead bugler was nervous as hell, cuz man!! he was barely squeezin' notes outta that horn. Bless his heart. It was cool though.

NO FLYOVER. I'm guessin' because our Air Force wasn't able to, and the Mexican Air Force was too busy flying around with all the UFOs they've been reporting down in their airspace.

MEXICAN NATIONAL ANTHEM: didn't catch the Chicquitas name, but she had a lovely, super-strong contralto voice that not-quite belted out the anthem in a respectful fashion. Man, they got a nice National Anthem - it's very moving. As Cecil said, "It's very Anthemic." Heh.

Willard's Garage gives her FIVE STARS

US NATIONAL ANTHEM: by a (Cecil says) Puerto Rican Chick named Janina. Cec said it took her some big old balls to get up in front of 200 grand Mexicans and sing sing the United States National Anthem. They mighta had to dress her up in Brian Vickers fire suit to get her out of there unscathed...

Anyhooziedoodles, she did a great job. Very, very true and respectful It was a bit of a reach for her on them real high notes, like "banner yet wave", and "land of the free", but she caught the hard notes just barely & hung on well enough. She did better than most Americans have in the past couple years - it was very moving. We give Janina


Thursday, March 01, 2007

ESPN Needs to Stop Sucking - Soon!!!

Man, Cecil had me go in and watch ESPN2's "NASCAR Now" last night, and Pee-yew does it stink. He'd been complainin' about their coverage and common taters since Daytona, and I sure can't disagree with him, but Jeeze-O-Peeze I KNOW there are more knowledgable and engaging people out there who could fill the shoes of the guys they have on now. Wikipedia says the hosts are Rusty Wallace and Erik Kuselias (who, Wiki lists as a member of Mensa??? Ya gotta be kiddin' me!! ) , but the sidebar lists Brad Daugherty, Kuselias and Tim Brewer, which I guess are the dudes I saw last night. I do recall seeing Rusty sitting in there during the Daytona weeks, and it goes without saying that he knew what was going on.

Former UNC Tar Heel & Cleveland Cavalier, Brad Daugherty is cool as hell, but the other guys gotta go. Brad knows his shit, and also has a very pleasant accent. We'll ignore the fact that he looks like Barak Obama - that ain't his fault. And shoot, he is handsome - so he has that going for him. (Which is nice.) To add to Daugherty's Ultra-Coolness, when he played for the Cavaliers, he chose #43 for his team number in tribute of his all-time favorite sportsman, Richard Petty. He was also co-owner of a Craftsman Truck Team that Kevin Harvick drove for at one point. So, thank God for Brad Daugherty, is all.

I used to think FOX's resident dope, Chris Meyers, was like a Fred Willard character, but these two ESPN guys almost make Chris Meyers seem hip.

Almost. Given the fact that these two boobs are still trying to figure out how to pronounce the names of all the drivers, tracks, and various other words common to NASCAR, I seriously doubt they write their own questions and comments, which only slightly excuses them. I mean, if they were hired for their popularity as talking heads, I would at least expect them to be witty, sparkling personalities. But they're not. They're just idiots, and the questions they're fed are so aggravatingly simple and irrelevant that even a non-NASCAR fan would be bored with them. And that's the best case scenario. What's likely to happen is some non--NASCAR fan will tune in, hear the inane prattle from Frick and Frack, and say to themselves, "Well, I'd always suspected stock car racing was retarded, and now I know it is. Back to the stick and ball sports for this couch potato!"

The drivers and other NASCAR players forced to answer these guys constantly have their eyes rolling into the backs of their heads, and it seems like it's all Brad Daugherty can do to hide his contempt for these ninnies every time he needs to set them straight on something. Which is pretty much every time they open their mouths.

The broadcasts of the Busch races blow, too, sad to say. NBC was notorious for not showing flyovers, or not crediting the various Air Force bases who went waaaaay yonder out of their way to put on a 30 second show for attending fans and the national television viewing audience, but they didn't do it every time, and they'd often try to squeeze in a replay -sometimes with credits- at some point during the race. But these fucktards at ESPN just don't seem to get the importance of the flyover.

It's as if they view "dumbing down" as a fine art or something. And if that's the case, then I must say, they gotta buncha Rembrandts over there. Some of you know that I blog and comment on this radio show Coast to Coast AM , whose host and staff are just dumber than dogshit. Well, it looks like "NASCAR Now" has become the Coast to Coast AM of NASCAR programs. Right down to their obsession with the "doom and gloom" aspect of things. For the last two days, all they've wanted to talk about- with ANYONE - has been the hard hit David Reutimann took against the wall at Fontana. If they don't tighten up, they may find themselves with a Butcher Blog dedicated soley to them and their assininity.

Stupid dicks.

I'll give ESPN2 this much, their "Busch Drivers in Defensive Driving School" commercials for their Busch series coverage are hilarious. But then, we have whatever ad agency that did them to thank for that, not ESPN. We can at least give a nod to whoever it is at ESPN that decided they were good and funny. Our favorite so far is the one where Denny Hamlin makes the driving instructor puke. Kinda reminds me of how I feel when I watch "NASCAR Now". Bleh.