Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Smoke, Hay-Pee & other random thoughts.

Our good buddy and NASCAR liason Rankin' Rob came up with a couple of good ones I hadn't heard before- referring to Newman as "Ryandroid" especially tickled me. And then calling Kurt Busch "Boosh the Elder". "Boosh". Heh heh. I like it - first off, it sounds like "douche", and second it reminds me of the way hard-core Hoosiers pronounce "bush".

Just thought I'd share. We've come up with a few over the few years we've known each other, often cracking wise and riffing off of one another while making fun of various drivers. I'll have to dig through my archives to remember exactly how we came to refer to Martin Truex Jr. as Truexacoatl, but it had something to do with an hilarious scenario Rob created wherein Truex was driving under the influence of Peyote.

And speaking of things from South of the Border, did any of you catch Tony Stewart's radio show last night, where he said he loved Juan Pablo Montoya? He did clarify that it was not in the same way he "loved" Brittany Spears.

The things you find out about people when their guard is down, I swear! Cecil and I love Smoke, but after you've heard him prattle on about this and that for two hours at a time, you begin to realize he can be quite a dizzy dame when he's not careful.

I don't expect him to go all Kyle Petty on my ass and want to talk about Kierkegaard or something, but damn! Hearing him and Hay-Pee Montoya go on for 10 minutes about whether they'd fuck Brittany Spears pre-shaved head, post shaved-head, pregnant, 5 years ago, 2 years ago, 10 years from now.... that's kinda more than I want to know. And when they put Brittaney's money on the dresser, they moved on to Christina Aguilara and... dang, who was the other one? Lindsey Lohan, I think.

Sorry if I'm misspelling names here, but I stopped reading People magazine about the time I stopped going to beauty parlors. And by simply calling it a "beauty parlor", that should tell you it was a long-ass time ago. Mid '70s, or thereabouts. Before whatshisname, Vital Buffoon, had the "sa-LON" commercials.

So where was I....? Oh yeah, Smoke is kind of a shallow dope. Oh well, ya still gotta love 'im. He is what he is.

Goofy and entertaining. He and Montoya are two peas in a pod. That HayPee is one funny rascal - and English is his second language! I'll bet he's really a panic when he's speaking Columbian or whatever they speak down there.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Mother's Day at Darlington - The Dodge Avenger 500, May 13, 2007

Well, I was kinda planning on slackin' off yet another week, but David Poole and Marty Snider kinda lit a fire under my ass last Monday during their Sirius radio show, Morning Drive. I tuned in at something o'clock just in time to hear them and their listeners assigning 1-4 stars rating the pre-race activities, which included, hmmmmm.... what do you think? That's right, the same shit Cecil & I have been doing for months now! Rating The Anthem singing, flyovers, command givin' .... I didn't hear anyone mention an invocation -- maybe that's taking it a bit far for them, we dunno. Nonetheless, I figured I'd best hurry up and beat them knuckleheads to the punch, and I don't mean Jerry.

I'm actually gonna breeze through this weeks, as there was little worth mentioning as far as pre-race hoopla, but definitely a few snarky comments to follow, so don't stop reading after the critiques!

OUR NATIONS COLORS: Weren't presented by anyone, the announcer, who we presume was rushed due to the race being rescheduled because of thunderstorms at the track last night. simply asked the crowd to turn their heads toward the off-camera flag in turn four before...

THE INVOCATION: which was given by Darlinton Raceway's Harold King. We noticed Mark Martin bowing his head to hide a giggle fit during the invocation, and couldn't help but wonder if it was because Mr. King sounds comically like John Boy & Billy Big Show 's curmudgeon at large, Robert D. Raiford. Who in turn sounds a lot like someone with a deep voice doing a really bad Jimmy Cagney impersonation. "You dirty rat, you...." (Which, by the way, Cagney never said in any of his movies.) The Big Show is right popular in a lot of the Charlotte area garages, and hosts John Boy & Billy have frequently had various drivers on their show over the last 20 years. We're given to understand that a lot of the race crews listen to JB & B's syndicated, comical redneckery in the shops every weekday morning. But back to Mr. King's invocation; aside from his humorous voice, coupled with a dry delivery, he was fine. Our favorite line was, "Lord, we ask your blessings on these loyal fans as they awaited patiently another NASCAR event."

I don't know why, but it always cracks us up when preachers talk to the Lord about NASCAR. We'll throw 2 or 3 stars Mr. King's way, what the heck?

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: was sung by Lesa Hudson , who, we were told, had a #2 hit on the Christian Country Charts with her song, "Step Out in Faith". That's all well and good, but Miss Hudson fucking killed our National Anthem by rendering the song ala Willie Nelson and / or George Burns in a bored mood. You know what I mean, we've discussed this before. It's when they sing words all fast in little bursts, then pause awhile, then spit out a few more. And y'all know how much Aunt Dixie hates that herky-jerky fooling with cadence. It's fun for maybe one sing, when George Burns is clowning on "Moon River", or Willie just can't stand to do "Blue Eyes Cryin' In the Rain" the same way 50,000 nights in a row, but not for the Anthem of The United States of America.

As if that weren't bad enough, she also managed to get notey as well. The other cardinal sin of anthem singing. So all in all, she really screwed it up good. As Cecil said, "Sit on my Faith, Ms. Hudson!"

ONE STAR: from Willard's Garage, and we're just giving you that because you showed up sober and seem like a nice girl.

THE FLYOVER There wasn't one. It's a shame, but - rain delayed race on Mother's Day, you can't blame them.

THE COMMAND: was given by the mothers of a great many of the drivers, and was pretty much the same as any group of people yelling anything while using two or three microphones. Some of the ladies may have really belted it out and done a great job, but we'll never know. Sounded just like any group of moms hollering at a soccer game or sumpin'. Nonetheless, we'll give them the benefit of the doubt, and

FOUR STARS from Willard's Garage for giving birth to some of the finest race car drivers in the world, and enabling their sons to follow their dreams -- not to mention giving us countless hours of great entertainment.

Alrighty then!!!!! Now that we have that out of the way!! Let's get on to the shenanigans!

Let's start with my very favorite anecdote, which would be Greg Biffle's crew chief? Was it? Who was at the race today, doing his job, while his wife was home, waiting to give birth at any moment. That's how a racing wife should be, dammit!! And somebody on a race team! Take notes, Mr. & Mrs. Deeringhoff, take notes!

And then. Things overheard on the driver to crew radios on Sirius:

(and I apologize for not having the Lap #'s, I just wasn't that on top of things) --

Pee Paw Schrader: "Aaaaa FUCK! ....... pounded the wall!"
(By the way, the "Aaaa" part is pronounced like the "a" sound in the word "back".)

In the garage later, Schrader asked someone on his crew, "How many laps [left] Chip?"
"About 599. ....actually, one-o-nine." I'm sure it seemed like 599, though. Bless their hearts.

Hay Pee - or, Juan Pablo Montoya, -- is extremely talkative on his radio, and admirably adept at swearing in English. Apparently nobody told him you're not supposed to say "fuck" in NASCAR, even if it is on satellite radio, and eventually they replaced him with Clint Bowyer on his designated channel, after some of the following exchanges:

Donnie Wingo offered, "We can take out some wedge if you want."
JP: "Wedge doesn't do jack shit!! I don't know how bad it is fucked up, Donnie."

(after being hit by a white car - the 6? Probably? on pit road): "[several unintelligible words] FUCK!!"
crew member: "He's a fuckin' idiot!"

I again offer apologies for not knowing exactly who he was referring to at any given time, and we sure hope he gets another chance next week, but only if he continues to swear a lot.

That's about all I got, folks. Oh wait. I guess I should congratulate Jeff Gordon & his fans Rankin' Rob & Cecil's mumma.

Signing off.
Big Dix, signing off.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Clint Bowyer Looking for New Crew Chief?


"For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll? They Toll for Dan … Bowyer’s crew chief Dan Deeringhoff will miss this weekend’s race at Talladega in lieu of his wedding. Deeringhoff will marry Sandy Bessey in a ceremony this Saturday at noon at Sandals Resort in the Bahamas. Bowyer’s NEXTEL Cup Series engineer Jeremy Bullins will call the race in Deeringhoff’s absence who will return to the top of the pit box next weekend in Richmond."

I think this blurb pretty much speaks for itself, but I can't resist voicing the obvious.

That must be some amazing pussy.

I caught the "announcement" sometime before the Talladega races, but haven't gotten around to commenting on that, as well as the pre-race stuff from 'Dega and Richmond, but this news just trumps all.

I'll tell ya what those bells are really tolling for: Dan Deeringhoff's career as a crew chief. As Cecil pointed out, Deeringhoff may get some "to his face" ribbing from Bowyer & the rest of his crew for being so pussy whipped that he'd miss Talladega to get married, and he most likely replied something to the effect of, "Well, yeah... but you only get married once, from now on everything else is back to normal, and no more missing races because of my extraordinarily hot wife." But I agree with Cecil, who said if she's hot enough that he'd agree to miss Talladega for a Spring Wedding in the Bahamas, (...uhhhh... Dan? It's always nice in the Bahamas, you really coulda done it in December or January....), then she is PLENTY hot. Hot enough that you need to be worrying about her gettin' some on the side when you're at the shop late all week long, and at the track all weekend long.

If she don't give enough of a shit about racing that she'd make you miss Talladega for your fucking wedding, she sure as hell ain't gonna be in the pit-box with you 36 weekends a year. Oh hail no! And Cecil also noted that "They have a Chapel in the infield of Talladega."

Buddy, you're screwed. Bless your heart. Sincerest condolences from Willard's Garage, mate. Any gal who would knowingly marry a (nearly) top-level crew chief, then require him to miss Talladega so she can marry him, is going to be higher maintenance than all the cars at RCR put together. You'll never get to Cup full time making those kinds of calls. I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you in such a cruel manner, but if you think it hasn't been said behind your back by everybody in the garage, you're living in a fantasy world. Enjoy it while you can, dude.

Best of luck to you, Dan. Congratulations on bagging what must be one amazing girl, and HEARTIEST congrats on winning the Busch race in Richmond!! Don't get too cocky (no pun intended), don't let yourself get distracted, and keep up the great work!!