Thursday, March 22, 2007

Musings on Mikey - Part One of Several- "The Other One"

photo by Eric Gilbert

photo by Michael C. Johnson

photo by Eric Gilbert, and all photos courtesy of

From "The NASCAR Fan's Online Dictionary (Now! New! With Illustrations!!)"
Main Entry: ubiq·ui·tous
Pronunciation: u-beh-quit-us
Function: adjective
existing or being everywhere at the same time - constantly encountered - WIDESPREAD : a ubiquitous fashion
- ubiq·ui·tous·ly adverb
- ubiq·ui·tous·ness noun

Whether you love him, hate him, or would just as soon not think about him at all, the subject of Michael Waltrip is always bound to elicit more opinions than you can shake a dipstick at. This will be one in a series of thoughts & ponderings that Michael Waltrip has provoked here at the Garage.

The gang here at Willard's Garage certainly don't hate him, and often get a big kick out of him, but we certainly can empathize with those of you who just flat out dislike him, and want all of you to know that you're encouraged to voice your own opinions freely, colorfully, and hopefully with a healthy smattering of swear words if you are so inclined. If nothing else, Willard's Garage is sort of the "Outlaw NASCAR Blog" - in that we ain't beholdin' to the France family - or anyone else's family for that matter - so if you need to say what's on your mind, no holds barred - we're your Huckleberry. We've been told that some poor sods and sots out there can't even cuss on their own websites, due to some kind of ethereal cyber swear jar.

So feel free to cut loose on your comments, fellas - what happens at Willard's, stays at Willard's. Unless you're a damn fool and give your Aunt Fanny our web address, in which case - you spilled that canna oil on yourself.

One of our biggest gripes about Mikey is that thing, that tiny, tow-headed tumor you see affixed to various parts of Mr. Waltrip's body wherever he goes. He says it's his "daughter" and he calls it "Macy". Now since this critter is spotted attached to various parts of his body on any given day, our original theory about it being some sort of vestigial remnant or even a living Siamese twin of sorts, was blown; as either one of those items would stay put. But this Macy-thing can be found atop his shoulders, walking at Mikey's side, or balanced atop one or the other of his hips. At least half of the time you see shots of him at the track, Miss Macy Mess is always nearby.

We all know NASCAR is very high on Family Values, and we're all for that. But Michael Waltrip treats "little" Macy more like a fashion accessory than an offspring. She's like a little, walkin', talkin' feather boa.

Her given name is Margaret Carol Waltrip. I'm guessing Mikey chose "Macy" as her "to be called" name because it's a combination of "Mikey" and "racy". Or maybe Macy's is just his favorite place to shop for pretty clothes for Macy, Buffy and The Other One" to wear. And for him to borrow. Because Mikey has confessed to a lot of things on national television, and at least once he has alluded to not being averse to the idea of "trying on" women's clothes.

I believe the exact quote, from an episode of "Trackside" a couple years back was, (and one must imagine Michael's drawling lisp while reading this):

"I like to dray-ess like a guuuurl." And excusing himself for this slightly unusual proclivity by saying that unlike some people, he was comfortable with who he is and "secure" in his manhood.

To prove he wasn't kidding around, a week or so later he appeared on the Halloween episode of "Trackside" dressed as a lady cop, complete with a shoulder length, blonde wig. And lemme tell ya, just like a vain woman, he could not stop fussin' with his hair - stroking it, tucking it behind his ears, and flipping it back with the back of his hand ala Cher. I have a feeling his only regret about the "costume" (something tells me that get-up might get worn more than just on Halloween -- behind closed bedroom doors at the Waltrip Mansion) was that lady cops are required to wear britches instead of something like a flattering A-line skirt.

(It is possible the "girl cop" thing was just him combining two fantasies - since besides a fondness for the feminine, he also seems to fashion his "manly" side after Sheriff Andy Taylor, right down to the hair style & studied speech & mannerisms.)

Although... he may have preferred a Bob Mackie designer cop suit. Bob Mackie being the best fashion designer choice for Mikey, because besides being noted for flamboyant gowns, Bob Mackie is also known for designing outfits for Barbie dolls, which is EXACTLY what Mikey treats wee Macy like. His own personal Barbie doll. Since it's inappropriate for grown men to play with Barbies, and he can't really run around the garage in a cocktail dress and stilletoes, he can live out some of his fantasies through his beloved Macy.

'Tho he often can't fully realize all of his fantasies, as evidenced by his frustration of Macy's wanting to dress "like a wee-atch" that same Halloween. Lord, he was upset. (imagine the lee-usp, now! - from now on, when I want you to imagine Mikey's lisping, Kentucky drawl while reading quotes from him, I'll just prompt you by saying "LEE-USP", m'kay?):

"Macy's going to go as a wee-utch this Halloween. I don't like that. I wanted her to be an angel, cuz she's my little angel, but she wanted to be a wee-utch." He was truly disgusted about the whole affair, and intimated he didn't approve of his in-laws, who Macy was with that Halloween, allowing her to do such a thing. I wonder if he'll let her read those Satanic Harry Potter books when she gets old enough...?

He was so upset he even forgot to plug anyone, just went on and on about Macy. The way he dotes on that kid is just sick. And ya know, until a couple of years ago, we weren't even aware he HAD another kid. A couple years ago we noticed that once in a very great while SPEED TV's cameras would catch part of another child's head near Mikey & Buffy & Macy. At first we thought it must have been another driver's kid, or one of Macy's fray-ends along for the weekend, or maybe a cousin. But somebody accidentally let something slip that made us realize that the other little girl was also Mikey's kid.

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!!!????!!! I watch a whole lotta hours of NASCAR anything on t.v. per week, and Mikey is on A TON of it - and it took that long for us to even catch a glimpse or hear so much as a whisper that he had another child? That is seriously messed up, people. We just started calling her "The Other One". Because that seems to be the way Mikey views her.

There's "his little angel Macy", and then there's "The Other One". Who we know virtually nothing about. He puts that damn Macy on t.v. every fucking chance he gets, but nary a mention of "The Other One". Pee Paw Schrader often talks about how Mikey "has issues" and makes fun of how many toys Mikey has in his attic, but MAN! I betcha "The Other One" has at least as many "issues", gettin' treated the way she does. Hell, he may as well have her locked up in the same attic where he keeps all them crazy toys Pee Paw's always alluding to. That poor girl is going to need some major therapy one day, if they ever let her & the rest of Mikey's skeletons out of the closet.

Poor little thing. It reminds me of the character of Robert (Brad Garrett) - the brother of Ray, in "Everybody Loves Raymond" . You know how everybody ignores poor Robert and dotes on Raymond?

It's sick, I tell you!! I did a little Googling and all I could find out was this little girl, whose name is Caitlin Marie Waltrip, is from a previous marriage. Hell, I didn't even know Mikey had been married before until yesterday! He has no qualms about telling the entire world he likes to dress like a girl, but never talks about a previous marriage or a daughter from it. Now, if I read right, Mikey proposed to Buffy in 1993. So I guess Poor Caitlin Marie would have to be at least, what? 15 years old?

This "other" little girl we catch glimpses of on the t.v. doesn't seem like she's quite that old, but it's hard to tell, since all we get to see is a split second of part of her elbow or the top of her head or something. And the only internet photos I could find seemed a few years old, so? (shrug). WTF? Mate? What gives?

One more thing- as the photos indicate -- Macy ain't gettin' any smaller as the years pass. Just how fucking long is Mikey gonna insist on CARRYING that fuckin' kid every goddam where?? Jesus! Good thing he's tall. If he was Ward Burton's size (5' 6"), that kid's fuckin' feet would be dragging the ground. And I hate to say it, but she seems like such a spoiled, attention whore that I imagine she'd let him carry her around until she was 20 or 30 years old. She may actually be a sweet, good little girl, but Mikey's constant doting on her doesn't exactly endear her (or him) to a whole lot of people.

Stay tuned for more musings on Toyota, Wally's World, Gay Stuff, The Wild and Crazy Buffy, Sponsors and other Waltrippings. Meanwhile, I think ol' Remus Dawson, who visits here once in a great while, knows a thing or two about psychology - maybe he can give us some insights into the inner workings of all this drama.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

your description went a little overboard. Mikie was never married before, Caitlin is from a relationship...check your facts before you blab.

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, you really need to do research before posting such drivel on your blog. The SMART people have known about Caitlin all along. I even found a picture of her with Macy when Macy was only about 9 months old. The nickname MACY came from the combination of her first name. She is named after Michael & Buffy's mothers Margaret and Carol. Get it? MACY(because Maca would sound stupid) It's called using your brain a little, which you seem not to be able to grasp the idea of.
The only reason Caitin(who is 18 now) is not in the spotlight as much as Macy is because her mother chooses for her not to be. She has another family with her mom, with whom she lives. She has other school activies which prevent her from going to alot of the races. At least she's there at some though, and that makes her dad feel good.

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Dixie Butcher said...

SMART people know that if you burp and fart at the same time, you will rip in half.

Did *you* know that?

I didn't think so.


You are absolutely right, though, I should have done my research and I am not very smart.

The last time I was tested my IQ was a measly 177 - it's embarrasing, and a wonder I can write or read at all, really. I certainly have no business blogging, where only the best & brightest minds of our generation read, write and choose to get all of their news of the world.

In future, I will take your comment to heart and spend more time researching Michael Waltrip and his life, and will take sports and entertainment figures more seriously and treat them with the respect they deserve.

I have absolutely no Constitutional Right whatsoever to have a little breezy, snarky fun with my friends in a public forum. He's a nice guy and he deserves better. He really does.

And it is an egregious misuse of the world-wide interweb & blogosphere to not take it more seriously.

Thank you for pointing that out to me, and for drawing attention to my mental handicap. I shall try to do better in the future.

Love, Dix-Lexic.

PS - I would greatly appreciate it if you would take the time to correct any mistakes in all of my posts, and let me know so that I may better myself. Thank you for your valuable time and consideration. God be with you.

5:21 PM  

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