Thursday, March 22, 2007

Musings on Mikey - Part Two of Several- "Only His Hairdresser Knows For Sure..."


Looks like Mikey's beard might be uncomfortable. Seems like his throat whiskers would itch under that Nomex, too.

From Urban Dictionary Online
1. Beard
Any opposite sex escort taken to an event in an effort to give a homosexaul person the apperance of being out on a date with a person of the opposite sex.
"Half of the women on the red carpet at the movie premier were not real dates, but beards."

2. beard
A man or woman used as a cover for a gay partner.
"Poor Jenny, she has no idea that she's been Allen's beard for the past 5 years."

Speaking of what goes on behind closed garage doors and keeping things to yourself, just how long will we have to wait until Michael Waltrip comes all the way out of the closet? I think that if and when it happens, it will be less a closet he pops out of, but something more fun, flamboyant and racy - like popping out of the roof of his car at the Daytona 500 and lisping in that studied Andy Griffith drawl of his,

"I hereby proclaim it's now Gaytona, I'm loud, proud, I'm queer and I'm here!!! So just deal with it, y'all, because I am here to declare NASCAR is officially FABULOUS!!!!!" (By the way, feel free to go visit Betty Jack over at Gaytona.com sometime if ya wanna get the gay beat on NASCAR goings on. Betty Jack is cool as hell, and although Aunt Dixie don't mind you slammin' Mikey for whatever reason, cut Betty Jack some slack, cuz Miss Thing has balls the size of church bells to be doing what she's doin' over there.)

Me and Cecil have been convinced for some time now that Mikey is queer as pink ink, and have a lot of reasons why we believe that, but we've had a lot of folks disagree for various reasons. The dumbest one being that "He can't be gay! He's married and has a kid!!!"

Please. You're gonna have to do better than that. See the opening definition.

Besides the nay-gay-sayers, a frequent response to our allegations/suspicions is "Who fucking cares if he's gay or not? If he's a good race car driver, what fucking difference does it make?"

A very good point, and I agree with it to a large extent. A lot of people, many of our gay friends included, wish that gay people would just shut the fuck up about being gay. They don't understand the need for anyone of any sexual orientation to go around announcing it to the rest of the world. And we can dig that. To a degree they're right. It shouldn't matter anymore than this whole Diversity Push that NASCAR has been pitching hard. Big time hard. Harder than Chinese Algebra hard. Ron Jeremy hard -- for the last couple years. Why do we have to make a big fucking deal out of Bill Lester or Willie T. Ribbs or Wendell Scott? Why do they need to need to emphasize that hip-hop gangsta Nellie was part-owner of a Craftsman Truck team for five minutes?

I think y'all are getting the picture. If we're gonna carry on about black folks -and to a lesser degree, Hispanics -- racin', why isn't anyone playing "The Gay Card"? I think deep down we all know the answer to that, but nobody will say it out loud.

I can't make up my mind if I wanna say it out loud right here and now, or do a little experiment and let y'all weigh in on this first before I continue on with my theories. I think I'll go with the latter. I love experiments!! I wanna see what you guys have to say first, then I'll weigh in with my opinion -

And look, y'all - I'm dead serious about you not holding back. I'll make no bones about it - we have a whole buncha gay friends, boys and girls, and we love them to death. Love them to pieces!! But if you happen to be of a like mind as, say, former NBA star, Tim Hardaway , I don't want you to hold back. You're as entitled to speak your mind as the next guy, and I'd like to hear it. Just do me a favor & try to back up your opinions & expletives with a decent argument and/or hypothesis. If you say hateful things just for the sake of being mindlessly hateful, (i.e. - act like a dumbass) I'll come at ya like a Spider Monkey, Chee-up!


There's a couple other NASCAR drivers that me 'n' Cecil wonder about, too - and I'll tell ya who later - but do let us know if there's anyone you might suspect. It will be fun to compare our answers and speculations. (And to reiterate, we don't think it's Jeff Burton or Matt Kenseth, we just like pokin' fun at them!).

Since it's pretty far back in the archives, I'll restate that Rankin' Rob has pointed the "Metrosexual Finger" at Jamie McMurray. Heh heh! I don't think even Jamie would argue with that! That poor kid - he's so funny - I remember Bob Dillner was interviewing him around the garage area one time, and mid-sentence, Jamie's eyes grew big, he stopped speaking, and he began giggling as you could see his head following someone who was passing by in front of them, but behind the camera guy. It took a few seconds to compose himself again, and McMurray literally had to "shake off" whatever it was he saw, then he apologized to Dillner for losing track, but he "...just couldn't believe what that guy was wearing!! What was he thinking!!!! " He then made fun of himself for being overly fashion-conscious.

I think he tried to blame it partially on working for Rusty Wallace at the time, as Rusty is very fastidious -- one might even say anal -- about everything, including his attire. Little Jamie said even he was astonished that Rusty actually insisted that his blue jeans be ironed so that there was a distinct, crisp crease on the legs. I wonder if Ironhead knew that?

Oh yeah - for fun, I'll add this question: What do you suppose would happen if -- and this is merely a hypothetical supposition, I'm not accusing anyone of anything! -- what if Dale Jr. publicly announced that he was gay? We've speculated on this before - sometimes crackin' wise about the repercussions, and sometimes flat-out cringing at the possible scenarios that might ensue.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Jay said...

Damn, is it just me or does Buffy have a new aftermarket power steering rack? I'd like to buy her mechanic a beer. Damn nice job.

As for all the words, that's a lot to absorb all at once. I gotta let my 3rd shift coffee addled brain chew on all that for awhile. Right now it's time for another cup.

1:40 AM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

We noticed those too - they gotta be new, but fake or not, they are SPECTACULAR!! If you bought her a can of beer, I guarantee ya she could carry it around between 'em! :P

I can't reveal my source, but someone who "knows people" said Buffy was seen straddling her & Mikey's limo driver, facing him, and had her shirt pulled up & over his head.

Damn! I would PAY to have that guy's job!! Wonder if she did it post rack-work & was taking them out for a spin?

Know whatcha mean about the coffee - took me 3 cups once I got up at the crack of 1:30pm yesterday! 'Bout bedtime for Aunt Dixie now - so I can get up in time for qualifying. Have a good 'ern. Jay!

3:41 AM  
Anonymous Jay said...

There's definitely more "city boys" in NASCAR now than there's ever been. How many of them have ever turned a wrench on their own car? I know you don't get to the top level of racing at 21 years old by driving a car put together by a 21yr old, but damn, you should at least know an A-arm from a rocker arm.

As far as who-is and who-isn't, other than the usual suspects:
MW-that's a gimme

Kasey Kahn-soccor moms and drag queens love him

JimmyJeff/JohnsonGordon- are they really 2 different people or some sort of weird clone things? Both fall into the "bastards can drive no matter who they're screwin" category

McMurry- Any man that uses that many hair products ain't right. I don't care how good he can drive.

Edwards- I have to hear entirely too much about him being shirtless.

Looking down the list, nobody else really jumps out, but then again, I guess that's the point of being "in" the closet.

Jr- If Jr was to come out of the closet, NASCAR would just close up shop. Any given race, 75% of the fans are wearing red, and I hate to say it but I'm afraid it's true, 75% of those would leave the sport after such an announcement.

Now, back to Buffy and her limo driver:
I've also noticed that women who have recently had upgrades installed sure do seem to want to show everyone. And that makes me very happy.

Whew, speaking of lots of words... I'll see yall after the weekend. Bristol sure does seem to be shaping up to be train wreck, won't want to miss it.

4:58 AM  
Blogger racefan57 said...

ok...pondering all this... too funny... mikey bashing. I suppose his closet is a bit cramped and maybe he'll be stuck in there forever and if Buffy were to join him he'd have bruises. I am not biased but "gayness" and NASCAR...as Jay put it so well... do not mix...I'll have to check out GAYTONA...

Thanks for the comments...Coco has been a wish of Pattyjo's for years...she always wanted a Minn Pinn but never found one that she felt had a good temperment...then we came across Coco last week and Pattyjo fell in love...hence...I am now up for late night pee's and feedings

6:42 AM  
Anonymous rankin' rob said...

I've heard that Buffy's quite the freak, freaking with the hired help and such. Mikey seems pretty comfortable with himself, so I think that they have a complicated but workable relationship. The whole thing with Macy-as-appendage and the mysterious unknown Waltrip child could be any number of family dymanics. Which family hasn't had a favored sibling? Could be that simple.

Mikey is the queen bee of the NASCAR lavender conspiracy, no doubt. There's also little doubt that an out NASCAR driver would quickly lose sponsorship, merchandise sales, and his/her ride if they tried to live open and honestly as a gay person and the driver of the 26 Crown Royal car. I'm just sayin'. NASCAR fans prefer their gay sex furtive, closeted and probably anonymous, would be my guess. Remember how his fans went to such lengths to explain that Tim Richmond acquired HIV-AIDS from a woman?

12:06 PM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

Yeah- I was gonna save a spot just for Tim Richmond, actually, somehow I feel he needs a whole thing devoted to mostly him. Although comparisons are inevitable, useful & welcome in these current speculations.

And I wanna read Poole's book on him before I go all the way there- Poole himself has said he had to leave out a ton of stuff out of respect for the family, which is TOTALLY understandable. But God, I'd give my eye teeth to know all them untold stories.

The most amazing thing about Richmond might be just how secret everybody has managed to keep all of his secrets. And not just any personal partyin' stuff, but right down to who would & would not speak to him and why - who was *really* around in his last days and so on.

You hit the nail on the head with "furtive", I think, Rob - I think NASCAR and Don's Brian & Bill France are practically God-like in their ability to toss anything "ugly" to the bottom of "Lake" Norman. Forever. Cement Shoes and all.

I've said it before - Vegas has NOTHING on NASCAR. What happens in NASCAR really does stay there. More comments pending - waiting for the others to weigh in. Thanks to all y'all thus far - good thoughts! (Not that anyone needs or wants my approval! )

3:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well by God. I just remembered that back in the day, there was a lot of friendly talk about the family boating, fishing, and skiing outings that the Earnhardts (Dale and Theresa) and the Waltrips (Michelle and Buff) would go on together. Now I'm a' wonderin' if there wasn't a little tag team threeway action going on after dark, with Michelle doing the play by play commentating, of course. Theresa's kind of got that "dirty leg" look about her, you know, like some Southern women just do. By God. Now there's a home video somebody needs to steal and release on the interweb.

Is Mikey gay? Probably, but who cares, by God? His season is a bust (no pun intended) at this point, and if he really fades from the newspage he just might whip out his Ace in the hole at some point to get the light back on him. I'm not sure if Ace, who works in his garage sometimes, would be too happy about it. That's a joke, by God.

Here in Cabbagetown we love our gay neighbors. They are friendly, honest, fix up their houses real nice (making my hovel worth more), and let us pet their dogs when they are walking them. I wouldn't mind if one or two of them were stock car racers, but I don't think they are. Someday it may not matter to anyone who is or isn't gay, and that would be a good thing. By God.

Tim Richmond was racing and left us a bit before my time as a Nascar fan, but he has always fascinated me. One of these days the real story will have to be told, but don't expect Nascar to tell it. He drove T.G. Shepard's Folger's car, which is pretty damn cool, by God.

Remus Dawson

7:14 PM  

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