Musings on Mikey - Part Two of Several- "Only His Hairdresser Knows For Sure..."

Looks like Mikey's beard might be uncomfortable. Seems like his throat whiskers would itch under that Nomex, too.

From Urban Dictionary Online
1. Beard
Any opposite sex escort taken to an event in an effort to give a homosexaul person the apperance of being out on a date with a person of the opposite sex.
"Half of the women on the red carpet at the movie premier were not real dates, but beards."

2. beard
A man or woman used as a cover for a gay partner.
"Poor Jenny, she has no idea that she's been Allen's beard for the past 5 years."

Speaking of what goes on behind closed garage doors and keeping things to yourself, just how long will we have to wait until Michael Waltrip comes all the way out of the closet? I think that if and when it happens, it will be less a closet he pops out of, but something more fun, flamboyant and racy - like popping out of the roof of his car at the Daytona 500 and lisping in that studied Andy Griffith drawl of his,

"I hereby proclaim it's now Gaytona, I'm loud, proud, I'm queer and I'm here!!! So just deal with it, y'all, because I am here to declare NASCAR is officially FABULOUS!!!!!" (By the way, feel free to go visit Betty Jack over at Gaytona.com sometime if ya wanna get the gay beat on NASCAR goings on. Betty Jack is cool as hell, and although Aunt Dixie don't mind you slammin' Mikey for whatever reason, cut Betty Jack some slack, cuz Miss Thing has balls the size of church bells to be doing what she's doin' over there.)

Me and Cecil have been convinced for some time now that Mikey is queer as pink ink, and have a lot of reasons why we believe that, but we've had a lot of folks disagree for various reasons. The dumbest one being that "He can't be gay! He's married and has a kid!!!"

Please. You're gonna have to do better than that. See the opening definition.

Besides the nay-gay-sayers, a frequent response to our allegations/suspicions is "Who fucking cares if he's gay or not? If he's a good race car driver, what fucking difference does it make?"

A very good point, and I agree with it to a large extent. A lot of people, many of our gay friends included, wish that gay people would just shut the fuck up about being gay. They don't understand the need for anyone of any sexual orientation to go around announcing it to the rest of the world. And we can dig that. To a degree they're right. It shouldn't matter anymore than this whole Diversity Push that NASCAR has been pitching hard. Big time hard. Harder than Chinese Algebra hard. Ron Jeremy hard -- for the last couple years. Why do we have to make a big fucking deal out of Bill Lester or Willie T. Ribbs or Wendell Scott? Why do they need to need to emphasize that hip-hop gangsta Nellie was part-owner of a Craftsman Truck team for five minutes?

I think y'all are getting the picture. If we're gonna carry on about black folks -and to a lesser degree, Hispanics -- racin', why isn't anyone playing "The Gay Card"? I think deep down we all know the answer to that, but nobody will say it out loud.

I can't make up my mind if I wanna say it out loud right here and now, or do a little experiment and let y'all weigh in on this first before I continue on with my theories. I think I'll go with the latter. I love experiments!! I wanna see what you guys have to say first, then I'll weigh in with my opinion -

And look, y'all - I'm dead serious about you not holding back. I'll make no bones about it - we have a whole buncha gay friends, boys and girls, and we love them to death. Love them to pieces!! But if you happen to be of a like mind as, say, former NBA star, Tim Hardaway , I don't want you to hold back. You're as entitled to speak your mind as the next guy, and I'd like to hear it. Just do me a favor & try to back up your opinions & expletives with a decent argument and/or hypothesis. If you say hateful things just for the sake of being mindlessly hateful, (i.e. - act like a dumbass) I'll come at ya like a Spider Monkey, Chee-up!


There's a couple other NASCAR drivers that me 'n' Cecil wonder about, too - and I'll tell ya who later - but do let us know if there's anyone you might suspect. It will be fun to compare our answers and speculations. (And to reiterate, we don't think it's Jeff Burton or Matt Kenseth, we just like pokin' fun at them!).

Since it's pretty far back in the archives, I'll restate that Rankin' Rob has pointed the "Metrosexual Finger" at Jamie McMurray. Heh heh! I don't think even Jamie would argue with that! That poor kid - he's so funny - I remember Bob Dillner was interviewing him around the garage area one time, and mid-sentence, Jamie's eyes grew big, he stopped speaking, and he began giggling as you could see his head following someone who was passing by in front of them, but behind the camera guy. It took a few seconds to compose himself again, and McMurray literally had to "shake off" whatever it was he saw, then he apologized to Dillner for losing track, but he "...just couldn't believe what that guy was wearing!! What was he thinking!!!! " He then made fun of himself for being overly fashion-conscious.

I think he tried to blame it partially on working for Rusty Wallace at the time, as Rusty is very fastidious -- one might even say anal -- about everything, including his attire. Little Jamie said even he was astonished that Rusty actually insisted that his blue jeans be ironed so that there was a distinct, crisp crease on the legs. I wonder if Ironhead knew that?

Oh yeah - for fun, I'll add this question: What do you suppose would happen if -- and this is merely a hypothetical supposition, I'm not accusing anyone of anything! -- what if Dale Jr. publicly announced that he was gay? We've speculated on this before - sometimes crackin' wise about the repercussions, and sometimes flat-out cringing at the possible scenarios that might ensue.