The Kobalt 500 Nextel Cup Race - Coo'lanta

The God of All Things Racing and Sexiest Common Tater on Racin' T.V. He also has a wide assortment of very infectious laughs. Don't miss him every Monday at 8pm Eastern on SPEED TV. Between him, Pee-Paw (Ken Schrader) Mikey Waltrip and (often) Greg Biffle, it is the funniest damn racing show on television!! Everybody busts Mikey's balls every single chance they get. Bless his heart.


Oh my, my, my. People, people, people.... so much to share, so little room! If I start digressing, as I so often do, Stay With Me Biscuits, there is actual NASCAR content throughout.

Lord I love our readers here at Willard's, y'all are the best. Giving Aint Dixie so much fodder for commentary I can barely think straight. Cecil nearly bought me a shirt once that said, "I Can't Even Think Straight" - he saw it used for $3.00 at our local Gay/Lesbian Owned Thrift Shop. I shit you not. You want good quality used merchandise? Go to a Gay/Lesbian thrift shop, you can do no wrong there. Gay folks tend to buy high dollar, high quality items, take good care of them, and tire of them quickly. You can find 100 years old pump organs in mint condition, as well as 100s of Jimmie Johnson t-shirts. All the mos gave up on his tired ass after Kasey Kahne hit the Cup tracks. They say he looks like Errol Flynn or some old silent movie star. Sadly, you'll also find a lot of old Jeff Gordon apparel. When our gay friends found out the whole "Rainbow Deal" had to do with a paint company and not a social statement, they kicked ol' Wonder Boy to the curb like a cold souffle.

You think I'm kiddin' about gay guys likin' Kasey K.? Ask Michael Waltrip. It''s been 7 months and he still can't shut up about how dreamy Kahne was in his "Snuggle" fabric softener firesuit. I'd tell you who needs a firesuit 24-7.... but y'all already know.

But I digress. RaceFan57 & Co., I refer you to my archives where the NASCAR lavender theories abound in abundance! Some with verification. Of sorts. And more to come, I'm sure.

.....so just one more indulgence, if you will. Did we all notice who finished 3 & 4th together at Atlanta? Do we ALWAYS notice who run together whenever possible? Do we always notice that whenever Mr. B or Mr. K starts in the rear (giggle), they frantically push their way through the crowded track to get to their boyfriend's behind? Did we note Kenseth say the other day he likes to be on the bottom with Burton? Seemed like this time Burton was doin' the catchin', not the pitchin' in Atlanta, but hey! We all need to try new things to spice up our relationships now & then, non? Do I have the mentality & sense of humor of a 13 year old boy? Duh....... yeaah. Heh heh. Heh. Right Beavis? Huh huh.

Seriously, though - Burton & Kenseth are the new Smoke & Jr. . Get on board the Love Train. Shoot, Cecil and I still have a 3(ish) year old, yellowed, newspaper photo on our fridge featuring a starry-eyed Smoke & Jr. looking like they're about to kiss. From whichever Daytona 500 it was when one of 'em pushed the other to the win. 2004? Maybe? All it's lacking is little cheeping cartoon birdies flitting about their noggin's which little hearts all around them.

But to the pre-race entertainment.

Biggest pre-race disappointment of the day was Quentin Tarantino being a no-show. He was busy wrapping up stuff for his new "double feature" Grindhouse , with compadre Roberto Rodriguez, which looks cool as hell, by the way. So QT - who would have kicked ass on the command, sent Kurt Russell in his stead. Just to promote the movie - not be the Grand Marshall or anything.

As a kid, I had a tiny crush on ol' Kurt Russell - just a tiny one - I was really all in for Jody Foster, but that's another story for another day. But Kurt Russell the cute teen-idol turned into a big, tough, hottie, and I'm good with that. Ol' Kurt told our Wendy Venturini that he'd never attended a NASCAR event before, but he was a big racing fan in general, following the Indy Cars a bit, and also having raced - and won a championship- in quarter and half-midgets in his youth. He explained that Tarantino was indeed a BIG NASCAR fan, and friends with Carl Edwards, who he is trying to get Tarantino to cast him in a movie.

Hmmmm.....Cecil and I decided that's something we could do without, unless it was just a brief cameo where Tarantino cast him in a role where he didn't have to say much. Say, like sitting in someone's basement chained to a chair, clad in leather, and with a rubber ball strapped into his mouth. Oddly enough, as I was fixing to type the last line there, PRN's Doug Rice was on the radio giving Buddy Baker an account of Russell visiting them in the booth, and the only question fellow commentator Mark Garrow could think to ask Kurt Russell was if he'd had ever seen Carl Edwards with his shirt off!!! Let the ga(y)mes begin!

Doug Rice was mortified and disgusted with his partner, stating that here they had one of the butchest, coolest guys in Hollywood who had starred in such classics as Escape From New York and Tombstone -(at which point Buddy Baker could not resist quoting the former, lisping, "You're a daisy if ya do!", and "I'm yer Huckleberry!"), but all Mark Garrow can think of is Carl Edward's nekkid torso. Gads!! Jimmy Spencer was later compelled to add that ol' Snake Pliskin was a "card carrying member of the NRA", which somehow helps to restore order in the Universe.

Funny anecdotes, but no Quentin Tarantino. More's the pity. Maybe they can get him before the Texas race - Hell, Rodriguez is based in Austin- maybe we could get BOTH of them!!! How much Booty Barker would that kick???

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Pre-Race Hoopla (zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........)

....was begun by colors being presenting by some group with the word "Lovejoy" in their name. I include this only because every single time me and Cecil hear the word "lovejoy" for any reason, we both have to announce in a lilting, British tone, "Lovejoy?!". On accounta that old t.v. show called "Lovejoy", starring Ian McShane, who played an antique collecting, super sleuth. A far, far cry from his character in "Deadwood". But a great little show in it's time. "Lovejoy?!"


THE INVOCATION Given again by Bill Brannen, who appeared to have reinvented himself overnight, eschewing the dark suit, silver neck-tie, and clean hair brushed back into a fastidious pony-tail he donned for the Busch Race, and appearing with his shoulder length hair kinda ratty looking, wearing a dark blue 3/4 sleeve jersey with a silver horizontal stripe, and blue jeans. After a quick whisking by of "God stuff", he then added - presumably to God himself - "Say 'hey' to James for us...!!".

We have no clue who James was, but that was really cool. We liked him.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM sung by that dadgum Darryl Worley again. What the heck? Cecil seemed to like Worley a lot better this time - we don't know why. He don't love him, he just didn't hate him as much. Cecil said, "He did alright. He just looks like one of those cookie-cutter country singers I despise. He looks like a failed male model. ....at least he cleaned up a little...."

Which he did. Although he was still tres casual, he didn't look like he stank, and he actually seemed awake. He annunciated the "t"s at the end of the words that needed 'em. He didn't get as notey, and on his second crack at the song, it does seem that the only reason he threw in no more than three extra notes on any given syllable, they were the words that are just a booger to get high enough for anyhow. And that's.... ....okay, sez Stuart Smalley. I'd rather hear a few extra notes than just one, long, drawn out flat thing. He sang it pretty danged slow - I'm thinking the voices in his ear were instructing him to do so until the troops arrived, so I won't fault him for that. This time around,

TWO AND A HALF STARS from Cecil. Again.
THREE STARS From The Butcher, cuz he was better than last week, but not that much better.


THE FLYOVER Ai yi yi!! Well, ABC got it right last week. But FOX, with the "help" of ESPN fucked up again. ::::::Le sigh. Now, they did actually show the four black helicopters - a couple different times, in fact. But there was no credit given what-so-fucking-ever. GOD DAMMIT!! I hate those guys!! Hate 'em!!! This is our military. They spend millions of taxpayer dollars advertising on a whole big, fat bunch of these race cars. And a not inconsiderable amount of money having these magnificent young men and women actually fly these amazingly cool aircraft over all of the NASCAR races. So WHY? WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS AMERICAN AND JUST AND GOOD can these fucktards at ESPN not manage to get one of their HUNDREDS of computer geeks who work in the A.V. department type out a few words to put at the bottom of the screen to acknowledge our military? That irks me more than just damn near any other mistakes those people make. Lord it makes me hot.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, there were a total of four super-duper cool black helicopters. One appeared to be a Black Hawk, and I don't know what the other three were. Or where any of them were from or what they called themselves or anything.

FIVE STARS for the cool choppers and those who flew them.
SUCK MY DICK!!!!!! To FOX and ESPN for not being able to get their shit together.


THE COMMAND Was given by Grand Marshall and CEO of Lowe's, who said "Gentlemen, start your engines." like a pussy. Not as pussified as a few of the really wimpy CEO's of the past, not "my wife beats the crap out of me every Friday night" pussy, and not "Nicholas Cage-style Poser Pussy". Just wimpy and wussy. Feh. Figures some goob from Lowes would be that way. No testicular fortitude.

NEGATIVE THREE STARS from the boys back at the shop. They oughtta suspend Jimmie Johnson from a race for having such a sissy butt sponsor.

ONE MORE THING! For those of you who catch Dave Despain's Sunday night program, Wind Tunnel, you know that near the end they do a little bit called "Eye Candy", which takes a random, cool, racy song and does a fun montage of various cool and fun racing moments from the past week. This week's "Eye Candy" began with that poor little Holly Summey, who sang our Nat'l Anthem before the Busch Race. She painfully flatly & confidently sang up to "dawn's early light...", at which point Despains cool crew flipped on Motorhead's Ace of Spades !!!!!!! WHOOHOOOOOOOO! and YIP YIP YIP!!! Great fun, great fun! Love ya, Dave! And that ultra-hip crew ya got working for ya, too!