Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Cool Media Overload...

Tony Stewart and his Mojo.

The Real Mojo. The Big Bad Mojo. Mojo Nixon. Lookin' kinda like a cross between a monkey and Patterson Hood.

Hay-Pee Montoya. Road Warrior. For some reason he reminds me of Mel Gibson. Or maybe the love child of Bobby Labonte and Mel Gibson. With a really, really good tan...

Lord People.

As if my life weren't complicated enough, we now have Sirius Radio. A Blessing and a Curse, to be sure. Before Siriius, I only had about 48 hours of "Must Hear Radio" per week, and about 30 hours of "Must See TV" per week. Nearly all of it somehow NASCAR related, or at least kin to some sort of redneckery.

But now Sirius gives us Mojo Nixon. A whole lot of Mojo. 20 hours a week of his outlaw country music show, "Loon in the Afternoon", 4 hours of his NASCAR show, "Manifold Destiny", and I'm not sure how many (either 1 or 4, it seems...we haven't heard it yet...) of his political talk show, "Lyin Cocksuckers".

And then, Oh Best Beloveds, we have Tony Stewart's weekly show on Tuesday, featuring his girlfriend Matt Yocum. Smoke and Matt get to let their hair down a bit, say a few non-France-sanctioned, almost swear words like "damn", "hell" and "ass", not to mention get a bit more colorful than they could on national television or their NASCAR sanctioned radio guest appearances, where P.C. is the operative word.

Witness Stewart, Yocum and sidekick Pabst (? that's what it sounded like...) discussing how Jeff Gordon may have been a pussy once, but he is as much a man as anyone driving in the Cup Series these days:

After the three finished making fun of how dorky Gordon looked in his younger days, and Stewart mentioned the "porn star mustache" he sported when he was, "like 15...",

Pabst added: "He had the full blown "Boogie Nights" porn mustache goin' "
Stewart said, "Yeah, but he pushed Matt Kenseth last year -- he's got testicles just like the rest of us...", then added, for no apparent reason, that "Nomex is an aphrodisiac." and that Gordon, "Had a hot wife, he's a good lookin' guy..."

They commented on Hay-Pee's controversial first Busch win in Mexico, and Stewart seemed to waffle on the issue without looking like an out and out pussy by saying that, "To me, if I was Juan, I woulda gone back there and beat his ass." - -meaning he woulda beat Scott Pruett's ass for being such a whiner about getting dumped by his team mate.

I dunno. I've seen PAH-LENTEEEEEE of NASCAR drivers cry like little girls way, way more than Pruett has for lesser violations. Smoke included. Bit of pot and kettlism if ya ask me. But it's still so fuckin' funny. Smoke pointed out something we also had a chuckle at -- in the midst of his bitchy tirade against his team mate, Scott Pruett quickly turned to look at the camera and quickly spit out, "I wanna say 'hi' to my family...", then immediately turned back to the pit reporter and resumed bitchin'. It almost had a whiff of a "Talladega Nights" moment to it.

If that wasn't a gay-ass, Hollywood move, I don't know what is -- other than good entertainment. Me thinks Princess Pruett Protesteth too much if he had his wits about him enough to pull that move.

All that aside, as our newly annointed, Oaf-icial NASCAR Writer Rankin' Rob ( congrat's, Rob!!) mentioned, looks like our new resident (coffee)-Beaner has a bit of Earnhardt in him, and may The Devil Take the Hindmost. Hay-Pee is gonna be tearing some shit up in a couple years.

During the Montoya discussion on his radio show, Tony Stewart casually interjected, "He's going to make a great Champion..." -- appropo of absolutely nothing. Just blurted it out in the middle of a busy, Howard Hawksian exchange between the three hosts. If Smoke said it, it might be true...

Okay, enough yakkin' and rehashin'. Aunt Dixie has work to do... much as I'd rather run my mouth about this. Sorry I layed down on Daytona, but fuck it. They just piled way too much on me, I couldn't cope.

As for the Busch Race in Mexico festivities:

THE INVOCATION: Well. Since it was in Mexican, I don't know how to judge it, but it sure sounded pretty & it looked cool. They had their Priest dressed up like the Pope, I Swannee. Long satin white robes and a funny hat and all... cool. They take that shit serious in Mexico. Oh dios mio!!

added attraction:
THE MEXICAN FLAG CEREMONY: Complete with a bugle core. They made a cool, giant production out of unfurling the Mexican flag with a lotta horny fanfare -- they say they do it every single day in Mexico -- I like that. Little Patriotism never hurt anyone. Either them bugles are damn hard to play (which we suspect), or the lead bugler was nervous as hell, cuz man!! he was barely squeezin' notes outta that horn. Bless his heart. It was cool though.

NO FLYOVER. I'm guessin' because our Air Force wasn't able to, and the Mexican Air Force was too busy flying around with all the UFOs they've been reporting down in their airspace.

MEXICAN NATIONAL ANTHEM: didn't catch the Chicquitas name, but she had a lovely, super-strong contralto voice that not-quite belted out the anthem in a respectful fashion. Man, they got a nice National Anthem - it's very moving. As Cecil said, "It's very Anthemic." Heh.

Willard's Garage gives her FIVE STARS

US NATIONAL ANTHEM: by a (Cecil says) Puerto Rican Chick named Janina. Cec said it took her some big old balls to get up in front of 200 grand Mexicans and sing sing the United States National Anthem. They mighta had to dress her up in Brian Vickers fire suit to get her out of there unscathed...

Anyhooziedoodles, she did a great job. Very, very true and respectful It was a bit of a reach for her on them real high notes, like "banner yet wave", and "land of the free", but she caught the hard notes just barely & hung on well enough. She did better than most Americans have in the past couple years - it was very moving. We give Janina



Anonymous Jay said...

I thought Pruett just had an, "OH shit, I better say hi to my wife" moment in the middle of his rant.

At least it wasn't 60seconds of thanking his sponsers like it would have been if it had been little brother Mikey.

7:12 AM  
Anonymous rankin' rob said...

Pruett's a good guy, and came back from as bad a set of injuries you will ever see anyone overcome after wrecking in a sports car race here at Road Atlanta. But he is not the future of NASCAR. Juan Pablo is. And Juan Pablo has a history of being impatient with cars in front of him.

Good news. Quentin Tarantino is scheduled to give the command before the Cup Race here in ATL next week. I predict he does it justice.

10:27 AM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

Point taken, Jay.

As for QT in the ATL? Oh HELL YEAH!! He'll do it so, so right. He's a fan - enough so that he's actually done the Petty Driving Experience and all, and he prided himself on being the fastest guy on the track...

12:32 AM  

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