Sunday, April 22, 2007

Subway Fresh Fit 500- Phoenix, AZ, April 20, 2007

"Lapse O'Luxury" by Wes Freed. copyright. (click on image to see it LARGE )

+++Sorry for any typos or grammatical errors guys. It's late, I'm lazy & about half cross-eyed. Enjoy your Sundays "off", try not to "do something constructive", and just lay on the couch & drink beer all day!+++

It's kind of aggravating to see Jeff Gordon beat Tony Stewart. I can't get too emotional about it for some reason, guess I'm just relieved Jimmie Johnson didn't win, and it did turn out to be a pretty good race, overall. More aggravating for me, I think, is having too many options for my viewing and listening pleasure. Ten driver/spotter/crew channels on Sirius radio, five dedicated driver channels on Direct TV, and then FOX, of course. And then my perpetually Lupus-fogged brain to try to sort it all out.

But enough of that! There are kids starving the world over, it's shameful that I complain of such bounty at all!!

We heard Rousch was grousing after the race about the COT - or "The Wing Ding", as Mojo Nixon calls it, and it's lack of ability to pass. He claimed that other than Denny Hamlin, most everyone else had trouble passing. Or maybe he meant most everyone who wasn't a Chevy. I did notice that most everyone who started at or got stuck behind about 30 seemed to stay pretty well rooted in the exact same position for looooooooooooong stretches of time, and if they did move around, it wasn't by much.

Since I like a lot drivers that typically spend a fair amount of time in the back, I do a lot of banner-scanning for position , and it seems to me there's usually a great deal more switching of positions in the last 25 or so drivers. They may never make it to the front 25 at all, but they do tend to scoot around amongst themselves more. And God forbid that any of the stations that air races spend more time focusing on the other racing that goes on instead of showing us a minute solid of one single car zipping around by itself... Lord that's aggravating!! We all know there's all kinds of interesting stuff that goes on in the back, it would be nice to see more of it. Even if it was only a little box in the corner of the screen that they turn on now & then for a few minutes at a time. It'd be better'n' nuttin' .

Well, David Ragan did his best to spice things up for a little while anyway. (He certainly added a lot of spice to the Busch race!! ) We really, really want to like that kid. He seems like a good egg, and he has a wonderful Georgia accent that's so endearing. But Smoke was spot on with the "dart without feathers" comment. That poor kid is worse than Johnny Sauter and Robby Gordon put together. We were momentarily amused by his mayhem when Pee-Paw Schrader asked his spotter, "Who started that?". His spotter replied, "You're not gonna believe this, but... David Ragan."

Schrader dryly shot back, "Yeah, that's kinda what I was gettin' at...." . Y'all probably recall Ragan's run-in with Pee-Paw last year which took Schrader - who was having a pretty good day- out of the race. Most memorable because Ragan is the only driver we can recall that made Schrader mad enough to have a hissy fit. He claimed he was only trying to "help clean up the track and help the NASCAR officials" when he got grabbed a long stretch of pipe from his wrecked vehicle and aimed it for the passenger side of the Six car as it tooled around the track under caution.

Poor Pee-Paw, BOY!! I mean, you really have to try hard to get him riled up.

Anywhooziedooles, let s get on with the pre-race critique, shall we?

OUR NATIONS COLORS: were presented by The Luke Air Force Base Honor Guard.

THE INVOCATION: was given, as always at Phoenix, by the PIR Chaplain, Ken Bowers. Bowers was quick, to the point, and informed us yet again that everybody said "Amen".

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM was sung by Josh Kelley , who had a Virginia Tech "VT" emblem temporary tattoo on his arm. I thought Josh did a very nice job in that he sang the song very straight (the way we like it), and did virtually nothing that was remarkable. He had to do that 1/2 sing, 1/2 whisper thing for the really low notes, which many singers opt to do, and I was okay with that. I was all ready to give him 3 and 1/2 stars out of 4 until Cecil said, "He didn't do anything wrong, I just didn't like it that much." Which made me think, "Yeah, neither did I." I mean, 3 1/2 is a pretty high mark - that should be reserved for somebody who did a great version that really made you feel Patriotic but maybe the made a couple of little boo-boos. But Josh didn't quite nail it to the wall, and he didn't really turn me on either, so:

THREE STARS from Willard's Garage.

THE FLYOVER: was again four F-16s from the Luke Air Force Base in Glendale, Arizona.

THE COMMAND: Oh dear, dear, dear. What a crushing disappointment. I was all excited about the command, because I had heard the other day that Subway's not-fat spokesman, Jared Fogle, was going to give it. Last year Jared completely wowed us not once, but twice before the Martinsville race. One because he completely surprised us by giving one of the best, loudest, most enthusiastic commands we've ever heard, and Two because he and Subway plugged Subway, as well as thanked the fans and the track in a pre-taped commercial that ran just before the station cut back to the track for the actual command, which consisted only of the words "Gentlemen, start your engines."

As it should be. Almost without exception.

Signing off.


Saturday, April 21, 2007

Phoenix Busch Race - Friday, April 20, 2007. Eliot Sloan

Gosh, I still haven't gotten around to updated the section I set aside for last week's Busch race. Ol' Dix has been a tad bizzy, not to mention still disgusted with ESPN for sucking so much. However, this evening's Busch race reminded me that there are a few things I like about ESPN's coverage.

One is getting to see good ol' Alan Bestwick once in awhile.

Although I adore Dave DeSpain, I felt bad for Bestwick when SPEED kind of unceremoniously replaced him as host of "Inside Nextel Cup", after having had that gig for years. Bestwick also had a fun and unique rapport with his co-hosts, and we kind of miss the way he allowed them to run amok frequently in something akin to a NASCAR version of a Marx Brothers movie. Plus, unlike too much of the ESPN on-air talent for the Busch races, Bestwick knows a good bit about NASCAR and all it's players. ESPN has improved some, and from watching more of the weeknight show of theirs, they have quite a large stable of talking heads they choose from, and it seems about 50% of them have no business being there. Most of the rest are simply "acceptable" in their qualifications, and maybe 10% actually act like they know what they're doing.

The other thing we really, really like about ESPN's coverage is the way they start the races. (And also do re-starts.) The allow all the spotters to do it for them - all at the same time!! It's cool as shit hearing 43 voices say "Be ready. Beeee readddyyyyy", "Green, green, green!" , "Go, go, go!" etc., etc. , all at the same time. It's very exciting - really puts you in the mood and in the moment. It makes you feel very racy!! Aaaand, it beats the fuck out of D.W.'s tired old, "Boogity, boogity, boogity!". I'm really sick to death of that, but I don't know what else he'd do, so I'll stop gripin' !!

About that, anyway.

On to the pre-race ceremonies!!!

First off, "Thank You", and kudos to PIR for flying the Virginia Tech flag beneath our Nation's Flag on at least one flagpole. That was a very thoughtful gesture.

OUR NATION'S COLORS: Were presented by the Arizona National Guard. Thank you all very much.

THE INVOCATION: Was given by Ken Bowers, Chaplain of Phoenix International Raceway. Ken was fairly dry, as usual, but he does that snappy ending that I love, which is, "And then everybody said 'amen' . " I don't know why I like that, but I do. It's matter of factness tickles me.

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM: was sung by Eliot Sloan of the band Blessid Union of Souls . Eliot did a very nice job, although it was pretty low key. Which we would much prefer to some of the misguided and manic renditions we've heard in the past. Mr. Sloan has a sweet voice, with just a smidge of gravel to it. Somewhere between tenor and baritone - he had to dig some for those first low notes. But overall he did a really nice job. Especially considering, as Cecil pointed out, that, "For somebody in a band called "Blessid Union of Souls" he showed remarkable restraint on the noodliness."

Which is true. He didn't add a whole lot of extra notes, and you barely noticed them anyway, due to his rather somber and sleepy rendering. He made it sound "Sad. And sexy." (That's a technical musical term. I've actually had a producer request that of me in the studio before - it's legit. ) He used five or six notes on the final "wave", which got under my craw about, but overall, we've heard much worse. So....

TWO AND A HALF STARS from Willard's Garage

THE FLYOVER: Four F-16's from Luke Air Force Base in Arizona. They were very cool, as always, and ESPN managed to both show them on the screen for a respectable amount of time, and credit them with a graphic on the bottom. Keep it up ESPN. Keep it up.

And thanks, of course, as always, to our military for taking the time for the display.

THE COMMAND: Was given by Ralph Woodward, who was credited on screen, but they failed to mention who he was affiliated with or what it was he did to earn the honor of being Grand Marshall of the race.

(Cough). Ralph was... let's say, a disappointment. He was kinda a big fella, very clean cut, looked kinda like a cross between Robby Gordon and William Shatner. Dockers and a polo shirt. He looked like somebody who would be loud and boisterous at a bar. So even though he put an "okay" amount of air behind his "Gentlemen, start your engines.", he disappointed us. Cecil said, "If he was at a Hooter's and his wings were taking too long, he'd yell at the waitress considerable louder than that, I concur. Therefore:

TWO STARS from all of us at Willard's -- and the only reason he's getting two is because we've heard some pretty darned pussified commands from Mr. Woodward's ilk over the past few years.

Throughtout the coverage they focused on the murders at Virginia Tech a good bit, and made a point to talk to all the drivers and crew members who had Virginia ties. Which we thought was very nice. But why no Ward Burton? SPEED talked to Ward about it - bein's how he's running a big VT on his car and all. And bein's how he's the only driver who REALLY still lives in Virginia. And bein's how he's even on Virginia's Game & Inland Fisheries Board and heavily involved with the state in many other ways.

(Heavy sigh.) Oh well. We all know why they didn't show our buddy Ward. Didn't have a translator. They'll talk to Montoya all day long, but just can't handle Ward's accent.


Oh yes, and one more leeeeeeetle bitty gripe I have is that they're not creative with their bumper music. They seem to be stuck in an Aerosmith groove, and much as I like old Aerosmith, there is so much great music out there that would be just awesome as bumpers for a race (...wait, I did hear the strains of the intro to Flock of Seagulls "I Ran" at one point, and they played Foghats "Slow Ride" a lot. Slow Ride???? WTF??) that it almost seems like it would be more of a chore to resist picking out some cool, racy tunes.

Enough bitchin' for tonight - tomorrow will be long day! Congrats to Clint Bowyer!!!! Way to go, ya knucklehead!! No need to comment on Kenseth and Burton, I don't think. ;)

Monday, April 16, 2007

Concerning Flyovers

A-10 Warthogs

A-10 Thunderbolts

This morning there was a comment left by someone who called themselves, "Fighting For Your Freedom at Barksdale" that really hurt all of our hearts at Willard's Garage. They didn't appear to be a blogger member, so we don't know how to contact them privately - but if any of you might know who they are, and could send them an email telling them we are offering up an explanation and apology for their benefit, as well as the benefit of any other member of our Armed Forces who might have misundertood a little sarcastic comment Aunt Dixie made early this a.m., we'd all be most appreciative if you could direct them back to Willard's for this. Also please let them know that they can contact me personally via the email link over at the left if they have any more gripes with me, and I'll do my best to make things right.

We've had a few new readers of late, and didn't dawn on me that some of them wouldn't be familiar with my previous posts, or the somewhat wacky - but sincere- views we hold about being respectful to the ceremonies of honoring our country and those who represent it. And being talky like I am, I doubt any of the new readers have the time or inclination to go back through the pages of archives to get a feel for where we at Willard's Garage stand on anything. So for "Fighting For Your Freedom at Barksdale", I thank you again for your service, and have collected *some* of my past commentaries on how aggravated we get when the flyovers ARE NOT credited for you to peruse in order to see that we're not a buncha shallow, Unpatriotic Lunatics. We're just regular everyday lunatics. The photos above are some of the ones we've had up above blog posts in the past, because they're cooler than photos of race car drivers.

Submitted for your approval:

From: "ESPN Needs to Stop Sucking!!- Soon!!", posted March 01, 2007-

The broadcasts of the Busch races blow, too, sad to say. NBC was notorious for not showing flyovers, or not crediting the various Air Force bases who went waaaaay yonder out of their way to put on a 30 second show for attending fans and the national television viewing audience, but they didn't do it every time, and they'd often try to squeeze in a replay -sometimes with credits- at some point during the race. But these fucktards at ESPN just don't seem to get the importance of the flyover.

From: "The Kobalt 500 Nextel Cup Race- Coo'lanta", posted March 19 , 2007

THE FLYOVER Ai yi yi!! Well, ABC got it right last week. But FOX, with the "help" of ESPN fucked up again. ::::::Le sigh. Now, they did actually show the four black helicopters - a couple different times, in fact. But there was no credit given what-so-fucking-ever. GOD DAMMIT!! I hate those guys!! Hate 'em!!! This is our military. They spend millions of taxpayer dollars advertising on a whole big, fat bunch of these race cars. And a not inconsiderable amount of money having these magnificent young men and women actually fly these amazingly cool aircraft over all of the NASCAR races. So WHY? WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS AMERICAN AND JUST AND GOOD can these fucktards at ESPN not manage to get one of their HUNDREDS of computer geeks who work in the A.V. department type out a few words to put at the bottom of the screen to acknowledge our military? That irks me more than just damn near any other mistakes those people make. Lord it makes me hot.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, there were a total of four super-duper cool black helicopters. One appeared to be a Black Hawk, and I don't know what the other three were. Or where any of them were from or what they called themselves or anything.

FIVE STARS for the cool choppers and those who flew them.
SUCK MY DICK!!!!!! To FOX and ESPN for not being able to get their shit together.

From: "The Sony HD 500", posted Sept. 03, 2006-

THE FLYOVER; Definitely the high mark of the show.

Two beautiful F117-Nighthawks that were so awesome they actually made the crowd cheer for a moment during Miss MYA's miasmatic vocal wanderings.

From: "The Emerson Radio 250, Richmond, VA", posted Sept. 09, 2006-

THE FLYOVER: Hello????? TNT??? Anybody awake over there? We taped The National Anthem so we could go outside and watch the flyover from our backyard, bein's how we're 1.5 miles from RIR. We saw two helicopters in the distance. Later we saw them on the video tape, but nobody bothered to mention what they were or where they came from.

From: "The Chevy Rock and Roll 400", posted Sept. 09, 2006-

THE FLYOVER: F-16 Fighting Falcons led by Bobby Sandford of the Virginia Air National Guard. THIS. WAS. COOL. And finally TNT gave them credit both onscreen and verbally, even mentioning who lead the squadron and that it would be the last flyover by the F-16s, as they're being replaced by F-22s. Cooler yet was that they buzzed our house not once, but twice!!! I love it when military aircraft fly over our house, but it's only twice a year that I know for sure when they're going to do it, so I can go out and watch for them.

From: "The Sylvania 300, Loudon, NH", posted Sept. 18, 2006-

THE FLYOVER: Four A-10 Warthogs from the New Hampshire Air National Guard. Very cool. And guess what? They were about the only people involved that got a banner at the bottom of the screen identifying them. Okay TNT, we'll take it. If you can only give credit once, let it be for the military. I still think you suck, though.

From: "Atlanta Motor Speedway Nextel Cup Race ", posted Oct. 29, 2006-

THE FLYOVER: One magnificent B-52 StratoFortress out of Barksdale Air Force Base, Louisiana.
Most impressive. Even the name is totaly bad ass.

From: "The Other End of Vegas", posted March 12, 2007-

THE FLYOVER: 5, count 'em, 5!!! Thunderbirds! Gawd I love those things!!!! Yeeeehaw! No credits given on screen or on air - Can anyone tell us why one of the five planes dove down and the remaining four shot straight up & hot dogged? Was that a variation on a missing man formation or something?

TMS Samsung 500:Burton & Kenseth Do It Again!!, Mercy Me!!

Our Race Winners and The Kid.
Oh. Wait. Ooops!

Here it is!! Win, Place & Show, Jeff Burton and Matt Kenseth with their racing mentor, Mark Martin.

The Man Who Should have Been Grand Marshall.

Okey dokey. Man y'all!!! Was that an eventful race day or what???!!! Hell, it was just a big week! Jeeze, I can't believe I'm gonna "waste space" by critiquing all the pre-race entertainment, but if we don't do it, who will? ESPN2? I don' teeeeenk sooooooo . They kinda remind me of Kyle Busch. Except ESPN seems to pack up and go home before the race starts, whereas Kyle at least waited until he'd run around the track a few times first.

Congrats to Jack Roush for a 1-2-3 finish. Oops. Sorry Jack. Too bad it ain't 2005 again.

Well congrats at least to South Boston, VA's own Jeff Burton for a delightful win, and thanks also to his best girl, Matt Kenseth, for a squeakin' close second and a helluva great show during the last few laps. Damn, the last couple years those two have been like two peas in a pod at any given point during a race - always racin' near one another & helpin' one another out. Admit it though, what we love most is watching them reach those breath-taking, last lap climaxes together - one coming over the line just hundredths of a second after the other! When's the last time that happened to you? Don't tell me!! But do keep a checkered flag handy on y'all's bedposts for the next time it does happen. Matt and Jeff are becoming a regular Mutt and Jeff. Or Siegfried and Roy, I'm not sure which.

I could go on about how Dale Jr. hopped in the "missing" (read: sulking) Kyle Bush's car, or how Hay-Pee and Smoke "went all Hay-Pee and Smoke on one another", or even some of Tony Stewart's cryptic post race comments -- but I reckon you boys probably have that ground covered in your blogs. .....On with the show!!


THE INVOCATION: Given by the Texas Motor Speedway Chaplain Rev. Dr. Marsh Boy he was swell!! I swear I think he was trying to imitate Ricky Bobby's "grace" speech from Talladega Nights, right down to Will Ferrell's voice and inflections. "Heavenly Father, we thank You for this incredibly gorgeous day,... etc., etc, ... In Your Name, cute, cuddly, yet omniscient 8lb, 6oz., Lord Baby Jesus."

Nice job Dr. Rev - you made that Invocation your bitch! (Hand to God, he really did sound just like Ricky Bobby...)

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM was sung by a Christian band that appears to be currently based in Texas and goes by the name of Mercy Me . I checked out their Wikipedia entry and it made some vague reference to some of the boys meeting one another on an overseas "mission" - I presume Christian - but it clearly infers right at the top of the page that one of them is a member of the Irish Republican Army. WTF? Heh. Jinxy?!!?! ( Hogan!?! ) You been foolin' with other peoples's wikis again? Naughty, naughty Jinxy!!

Alrighty. So, ya got these six pleasant looking but slightly scruffy young fellars all lined up in front of one microphone. Much like the Anthem Vocalists before the Busch race, they chose a rather conservative arrangement that leaned more towards 'hymny' and less toward 'marching band instrumenty'- which was fine by us. The harmonies were fairly close- nobody taking any ludicrously high or low notes, and nobody got mellifluous on us. No extra, unnecessary notes; and unlike their unbrushed hair, not a note out of place. But hey! That ain't their faults! How were they supposed to know they were going to be on television?! Hell, ESPN doesn't bother showing the bands.... why would FOX?

I thought their arrangement sounded perilously close to a Christmas Carol, and less "bandy" than Saturday's Little Texas version, but it was still right purdy, and made more sense once I Wiki'd them and read about them bein' a Jesus Band and all. Cecil's only complaint was that, "the singer who looked like Rutledge should've taken one step back from the mic so we didn't have to hear every breath he took." That said, they still get

THREE STARS from Willard's Garage.

THE FLYOVER was one single B-52 from Barksdale Air Force Base in Louisiana - and y'all won't believe this, but those LUNATICS at FOX showed this jet 3 times during the singing of our National Anthem - and then showed it yet again when they came back from the commercial break and actually printed its credentials at the bottom of the television screen. They've gone mad over there! MAD! I TELL YOU!!! They're going to spoil the boys and girls in our Armed Forces. Next thing you know all of our soldiers, sailors and pilots are gonna want their props during every race. Sheesh!

THE COMMAND Whoo boy. The command. Well, apparently, the jolly wrassler, Stone Cold Steve Austin has a new movie called The Condemned that needs promoting, so he was the race's Grand Marshall yesterday. We like ol' Stone Cold alright, but I'm not afraid to say his command was a bit weak - especially for a big old boy like him. Hulk Hogan -- now That Guy knows how to give a command!! Austin's was less of a commanding shout, and more of a very laid back growl - which he preceded with, "The bottom line is...."

What the hell is that supposed to mean? We figured it must be a catch phrase of his in the squared circle, or maybe from his new movie. I dunno. Either way, it was unnecessary, and if he was trying to sound menacing it didn't work. Cecil said he expected more from someone with such lung capacity and to "Call him when the growl becomes a roar." He also said if they was gonna have a wrassler, they shoulda got Blackjack Mulligan, but I reckon he didn't have anything to sell this week.

ONE STAR from Willard's Garage. And a special "Underachievement Award".

PS- a big congrats to the reigning points leader, The Wonder Boy Himself, and his new crew chief, who Cecil refers to as "The Vampire LeTarte".
We watched all the post race shows, but nobody showed footage of Jeff Burton shootin' off the pistols - what's up with that? He did eventually don the Stetson, but seemed reluctant to even do that. Maybe his big brother taught him that you should never just shoot a gun straight up into the air for no reason. Or maybe he didn't want to seem like a show off and "rub it in" in front of his best buddy, who he just beat the snot out of. Or maybe he just thought it was kind of queer. I kinda do. The trophy is a tad unnattractive as well. As Cecil said, it kinda looks like something you'd find at a yard sale at Robert Redford's fishing lodge.

Texas Busch Race *or* ESPN2 Still Sucks

Ah phooey! I'll get to this when I'm done writing about The Big Race. I'm sure ESPN won't mind if I blow off writing about how much their coverage sucks for a day or so... Takes Slack to Know Slack...

Feel free to start leaving comments on it, though, if you like.

I feel bad for the lady tennis players who didn't get any post-game attention after what appeared to be a very intense match.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Get Angry.

Since qualifying was rained/tornadoed out today, I thought I'd share another awesome band with y'all. Allow me to introduce you to Angry Johnny & the Killbillies . They played here in Richmond last night and totally kicked my ass, emotionally, mentally and physically. They always do. And I love every minute of it.

Besides being America's Greatest Living Murder Balladeer, Angry is also an amazing and prolific artist. And a dear friend of the boys here at Willard's Garage, as are the rest of The Killbillies, who are also big racing fans. We always enjoy getting to the club early so we can gossip about the latest NASCAR hoop-de-doos with drummer extraordinaire, Sal Vega and bassist Jimmy Rat Fink. or sometimes bassist, Slabs, or other bassist, Loud Ernie. (Loud Ernie's by the way, recording one of the other greatest racing songs ever with his band Broker . It is simply titled, "Stock Car Racing", and it kicks as much ass as Loud Ernie does. Which is a lot.

And I would be remiss in failing to tell you that the lead instrumentalist, Goatis T. Ovenrude, does shit with a mandolin that you just have to see to believe. People, he can play traditional bluegrass mando just fine, but when needed (and it often is needed....), he makes that fucking thing sound just like Neil Young's Old Black Gibson. Like a goddam Hurricane - no shit. He blows EVERYBODY'S minds. He once won a guitar playing contest in North Carolina - playing the fucking mandolin. You heard me. Goatis went up against about a thousand of the most rockin' guitar slingers in the Mid-East and came out Winner and Champeen using a fucking mandolin. Just think about that for a minute. The kid can jam.

So y'all check out Angry while Aint Dixie takes another nap, Cecil's been nursing me back to health all day, but it's been an uphill battle.... I'll see y'all after the Busch Race tomorrow (if it happens). Meanwhile:


Saturday, April 07, 2007

For the Edification of Rev Jim

I happened to notice on Rev. Jim's profile that he likes them damn (grin) jam bands. For mainly for you, Jim, to broaden your musical horizons, not to mention introduce you to the Greatest Living Performing Rock Band on the Planet, Drive-by Truckers , I present you with a few nuggets that can also be found in the archives.

If it helps to "sell" you on this band, their manager also handles another favorite band of yours, them String Cheese guys. And Widespread Panic are friends of Drive-by Truckers also. Actually helped them finance one of their earlier records, because they're nice guys like that.

And just to upsell these fantastic musicians and songwriters a tad more, the folks at Jack Daniel's Distilleries thought enough of them to put them on Blaney's race car for a Cup Race in 2005. I'd like to tell you who the "other, much more famous band" who got "bumped" offa that ride was, but the statute of limitations ain't up yet.

I'm a tad too closely affiliated with their music to make reasonable recommendations for a new fan, but maybe Rankin' Rob or Alastair can steer you one way or another.

One thing is for sure, you need to get a copy of their song "Steve McQueen" - an homage to all the things most of us hold dear. Lyrics below, with my favorite lines highlighted.

Steve McQueen Steve McQueen
When I was a little boy I wanted to grow up to be
Steve McQueen Steve McQueen
The coolest doggone motherscratcher on the silver screen

I’d drive real fast everywhere no one would ever catch me
and I’d kick your ass if you pissed me off so be careful what you ask me
and I’d never have an empty bottle or an empty bed
and as cool as Paul Newman is I bet Steve could whup his head

Steve McQueen............................

Bullitt was my favorite movie that I’d ever seen
I totaled my go-cart trying to imitate that chase scene
That Duster had six hubcaps, know what I mean
and I love the way they all flew off when it landed in that ravine

Steve McQueen............................

I really loved The Getaway back when I was eight
that pussy Alec Baldwin sucked in the remake
and speaking of pussy, I guess Steve got it all
He fucked Faye Dunaway and he fucked Ali McGraw

Steve McQueen Steve McQueen
When I was a little boy I wanted to grow up to be
Steve McQueen Steve McQueen
The coolest goddamn mothefucker on the silver screen

(suddenly the scene turns slow and somber, as a campfire harp plays in the background)
I went to see The Hunter on my first date
The Hunter was the last movie Steve McQueen lived to make
They took my drivers license when I was just sixteen
the year Mesothelioma killed Steve McQueen

Steve McQueen Steve McQueen
When I was a little boy I wanted to grow up to be
Steve McQueen Steve McQueen
The coolest goddamn mothefucker on the silver screen

lyrics by Patterson Hood
music by Drive-by Truckers (Cooley, Hood, Howell, Lane, Neff, Stacy)
©1998 Soul Dump Music
dedicated to my grandfather W. M. Patterson
(Mesothelioma is a rare cancer of the lining of the lung caused by exposure to asbestos. It’s mortality rate is known to be extremely high.)

I should also add that The Drive-by Truckers have written one of the greatest racing songs ever, that being Daddy's Cup - and songwriter Mike Cooley was given the deck lid of one of those #07 cars as a gift from Richard Childress himself. Signed by Dave Blaney. I believe he uses it as a headboard in his master bedroom.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

EXTRA! EXTRA! This just in!!!

Guess who makes a cameo in the Tarantino/Rodriguez collaboration "GRINDHOUSE"????

I'll give you some hints. Here are some famous quotes this very wealthy and very funny man has said:

“Robby Gordon has a tremendous amount of talent, but when he pulls the helmet over his head, he knocks some sort of switch that makes him an idiot.”

“I gave Robby an unlimited budget
for Indy and he managed to exceed that.”

“"In racing you've got to be pretty, and some of these guys you can't dress 'em up, Sponcers want someone "that can juke and jive. He has to go to into the boardroom and talk to the people. There are a lot of drivers out there today, their career is pretty much history because they have no marketability."
You can't make 'em pretty. You can't drink 'em pretty, either. The difference between a 1 and a 10 is a light switch away, well that doesn't work with a race car driver. You can't turn the lights out."”

"Life is like a sandwich of sh*t and everyday you take a bite.”

“In business I want to be a pig because pigs get fatter and hogs gets slaughtered.”

Still can't guess? His character's name is "Dr. Felix". He's Cuban. And he's a nut.

Tarantino says he wants to put Carl Edwards in a movie. Fuck that shit. Felix Sabates is the man.

If any of you could pick two NASCAR drivers that you think would be COOL in a Tarantino or Rodriguez movie, I'd love to know who they might be.

When I first presented this hypothetical situation to Cec, we both immediately thought the same thing: Ward Burton doing a cameo as a gas station attendent. And we mean that with nothing but love.

PS- One More for NASCAR in Australia-Shave That Monkey & Teach it to Hunt...

"....He Has a Monkey..." by Wes Freed 2005

Round about 2005 me 'n' Cecil decided we didn't hate Tony Stewart all that much after all. He kinda grew on us. Like back hair.

Usually Cecil is so busy painting pictures for other folks, he don't have time to do something fun for me, but I begged him to do a painting of NASCAR driver Tony Stewart's Patas monkey, Mojo riding a greyhound dog. Cuz, yanno, that's funny, I don't care who ya are. Monkey ridin' a dog- that's funny. Smoking a cigar woulda been better, but we didn't know if that would fly with all the PETA folks...

Like we give a butt flying monkey's fuck.

Anywhooziedoodles - Cec made the painting, and it sat around the house for AGES!!! Nobody wanted the damn thing. Oh sure, we had hundreds of inquiries, but nobody actually bought it.

Until we got a letter from this sweet gal in where????? you ask? That'd be your Australia. Seems her little boy loves animals, rescues greyhounds (just like Smoke), and he loves him a monkey. So we sold "He Has a Monkey" to this lovely family in... Brisbane, I think....

Turns out, too, that they'd never heard of Tony Stewart, but now they know. And they got a painting of a little monkey with an orange #20 shirt on, racing a greyhound. All's well that ends well.

For Our Friends Down Under

First off boys...(and let's face it, there ain't no girls reading here, it's just you and me, guys...) ...thanks to each and every one of you for the sympathy for me feeling crappy & all. I really appreciate it. I'm not big on pity parties, although I do love to say, "Patty Petty Pity Party" - meaning NO OFFENSE WHATSOEVER to the Petty Family, who totally kick ass in every way. It's just fun to say "Patty Petty Pity Party". Try it out loud one time.


I'm taking time off from NASCAR to pay homage to our new friend and common tater from New Zealand, ABAT a.k.a. Alastair, who is an amazing artist - I'll link to his dink real soon so y'all can see. And also to another like-minded bubba from Australia, that being Clinton Walker who wrote a little book we all need to seek out, titled: Golden Miles: Sex, Speed and the Australian Muscle Car by Clinton Walker.

It's funny how we meet folks around here. A lotta times it's through Cecil's artwork that he does for the world's greatest rock band, The Drive-by Truckers, So imagine our surprise when Mr. Walker contacted us from Australia, looking to buy a print or so from . For those of you who haven't "wiki'd" Clint yet, among his many accomplishments, he is the premiere chronicler of Australian rock music.

Which both Cecil and I have had a great interest in, since the early days of Nick Cave's fledgeling band The Boys Next Door to AC/DC and all in between.

But it was The Golden Miles title that really caught my fancy. So here's to our new friends on both sides of the equator. Muscle cars is muscle cars. There's gearheads everywhere. Rednecks, too!!

Part of this misguiding meandering is based on me having a fucking GIANT HARD ON (figuratively -- as far as any of y'all know...) for the upcoming movie Grindhouse, which claims to have the greatest car chase scenes since Bullitt, Maybe. I've seen some of the previews, and it looks AWESOME.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Martinsville Nextel Cup

Okay folks, we're gonna cut to the chase with the singings and all so we can get back to the gossiping of who's "zoomin' who", as Aretha once said way, way back in the day.

OUR NATIONS COLORS were presented by The Virginia National Guard. Thank you, all of you, Ladies and Gentlemen, for your service.

THE INVOCATION by Tim Byrd of Raceway Ministries

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM played by Martinsville Middle School Band Leader, B.J. Norris

THE FLYOVER by two F-16s from Lochland Air Force Base

THE COMMAND was given by THE KING, Richard Petty

I'll add more later, folks. I just suffered a sinkin' spell. This Lupus can be a real booger in the Springtime.

Comment away, though. I swear when I get to feelin' better I'm gunna try to get caught up with all you boys's blogs, meantime I hope yer enjoying your springs! We got a couple weeks off - to quote Dale Jarrett: "That'd be good."

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Truckity, Truckity, Truckity, Boys, Can We Please FINALLY Put DW in a Home?

Really. Since the Truck Race was on FOX today, the 86'd Mikey and put in D.W., who, I swear, gets more heavily medicated every year, and he starts the race with "Truckity, truckity, truckity, boys - let's go tailgatin' !!!"

Fuck man. Maybe Mikey isn't the gay one after all. Phhhhhfffftttt! Let's all donate a buncha money to the Christian Network and see if they can't pay DW enough to be on their channel all the time so we can put somebody else in his spot for racing, cuz we're about all the way over old DW.

Bless his heart. He's gotta go.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: Was performed so, so beautifully by The Martinsville Jazz Brass Band. Five boys that played such a beautiful, perfect, respectful arrangement it brought tears to my eyes. I'm not jokin'. Cecil loved it, too. We both prefer bands performing The Star Spangled Banner, but sometimes they get a little weird or ambitious with the arrangements, but these young men nailed it.

FIVE OUT OF FOUR STARS nice job, boys.

THE COMMAND Was given by Christian Anderson, who was about a goofy, Napoleon Dynamite lookin' kid, but God Damn if he didn't give the best command we've heard all fucking year. He actually did it a whole lot like Adam Sandler did a couple years back - which was way fun and cool and loud and great - so:

FOUR STARS from everyone at Willard's Garage. Way to go, kid. You're a super freak. Super freak.