Monday, April 16, 2007

TMS Samsung 500:Burton & Kenseth Do It Again!!, Mercy Me!!

Our Race Winners and The Kid.
Oh. Wait. Ooops!

Here it is!! Win, Place & Show, Jeff Burton and Matt Kenseth with their racing mentor, Mark Martin.

The Man Who Should have Been Grand Marshall.

Okey dokey. Man y'all!!! Was that an eventful race day or what???!!! Hell, it was just a big week! Jeeze, I can't believe I'm gonna "waste space" by critiquing all the pre-race entertainment, but if we don't do it, who will? ESPN2? I don' teeeeenk sooooooo . They kinda remind me of Kyle Busch. Except ESPN seems to pack up and go home before the race starts, whereas Kyle at least waited until he'd run around the track a few times first.

Congrats to Jack Roush for a 1-2-3 finish. Oops. Sorry Jack. Too bad it ain't 2005 again.

Well congrats at least to South Boston, VA's own Jeff Burton for a delightful win, and thanks also to his best girl, Matt Kenseth, for a squeakin' close second and a helluva great show during the last few laps. Damn, the last couple years those two have been like two peas in a pod at any given point during a race - always racin' near one another & helpin' one another out. Admit it though, what we love most is watching them reach those breath-taking, last lap climaxes together - one coming over the line just hundredths of a second after the other! When's the last time that happened to you? Don't tell me!! But do keep a checkered flag handy on y'all's bedposts for the next time it does happen. Matt and Jeff are becoming a regular Mutt and Jeff. Or Siegfried and Roy, I'm not sure which.

I could go on about how Dale Jr. hopped in the "missing" (read: sulking) Kyle Bush's car, or how Hay-Pee and Smoke "went all Hay-Pee and Smoke on one another", or even some of Tony Stewart's cryptic post race comments -- but I reckon you boys probably have that ground covered in your blogs. .....On with the show!!


THE INVOCATION: Given by the Texas Motor Speedway Chaplain Rev. Dr. Marsh Boy he was swell!! I swear I think he was trying to imitate Ricky Bobby's "grace" speech from Talladega Nights, right down to Will Ferrell's voice and inflections. "Heavenly Father, we thank You for this incredibly gorgeous day,... etc., etc, ... In Your Name, cute, cuddly, yet omniscient 8lb, 6oz., Lord Baby Jesus."

Nice job Dr. Rev - you made that Invocation your bitch! (Hand to God, he really did sound just like Ricky Bobby...)

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM was sung by a Christian band that appears to be currently based in Texas and goes by the name of Mercy Me . I checked out their Wikipedia entry and it made some vague reference to some of the boys meeting one another on an overseas "mission" - I presume Christian - but it clearly infers right at the top of the page that one of them is a member of the Irish Republican Army. WTF? Heh. Jinxy?!!?! ( Hogan!?! ) You been foolin' with other peoples's wikis again? Naughty, naughty Jinxy!!

Alrighty. So, ya got these six pleasant looking but slightly scruffy young fellars all lined up in front of one microphone. Much like the Anthem Vocalists before the Busch race, they chose a rather conservative arrangement that leaned more towards 'hymny' and less toward 'marching band instrumenty'- which was fine by us. The harmonies were fairly close- nobody taking any ludicrously high or low notes, and nobody got mellifluous on us. No extra, unnecessary notes; and unlike their unbrushed hair, not a note out of place. But hey! That ain't their faults! How were they supposed to know they were going to be on television?! Hell, ESPN doesn't bother showing the bands.... why would FOX?

I thought their arrangement sounded perilously close to a Christmas Carol, and less "bandy" than Saturday's Little Texas version, but it was still right purdy, and made more sense once I Wiki'd them and read about them bein' a Jesus Band and all. Cecil's only complaint was that, "the singer who looked like Rutledge should've taken one step back from the mic so we didn't have to hear every breath he took." That said, they still get

THREE STARS from Willard's Garage.

THE FLYOVER was one single B-52 from Barksdale Air Force Base in Louisiana - and y'all won't believe this, but those LUNATICS at FOX showed this jet 3 times during the singing of our National Anthem - and then showed it yet again when they came back from the commercial break and actually printed its credentials at the bottom of the television screen. They've gone mad over there! MAD! I TELL YOU!!! They're going to spoil the boys and girls in our Armed Forces. Next thing you know all of our soldiers, sailors and pilots are gonna want their props during every race. Sheesh!

THE COMMAND Whoo boy. The command. Well, apparently, the jolly wrassler, Stone Cold Steve Austin has a new movie called The Condemned that needs promoting, so he was the race's Grand Marshall yesterday. We like ol' Stone Cold alright, but I'm not afraid to say his command was a bit weak - especially for a big old boy like him. Hulk Hogan -- now That Guy knows how to give a command!! Austin's was less of a commanding shout, and more of a very laid back growl - which he preceded with, "The bottom line is...."

What the hell is that supposed to mean? We figured it must be a catch phrase of his in the squared circle, or maybe from his new movie. I dunno. Either way, it was unnecessary, and if he was trying to sound menacing it didn't work. Cecil said he expected more from someone with such lung capacity and to "Call him when the growl becomes a roar." He also said if they was gonna have a wrassler, they shoulda got Blackjack Mulligan, but I reckon he didn't have anything to sell this week.

ONE STAR from Willard's Garage. And a special "Underachievement Award".

PS- a big congrats to the reigning points leader, The Wonder Boy Himself, and his new crew chief, who Cecil refers to as "The Vampire LeTarte".
We watched all the post race shows, but nobody showed footage of Jeff Burton shootin' off the pistols - what's up with that? He did eventually don the Stetson, but seemed reluctant to even do that. Maybe his big brother taught him that you should never just shoot a gun straight up into the air for no reason. Or maybe he didn't want to seem like a show off and "rub it in" in front of his best buddy, who he just beat the snot out of. Or maybe he just thought it was kind of queer. I kinda do. The trophy is a tad unnattractive as well. As Cecil said, it kinda looks like something you'd find at a yard sale at Robert Redford's fishing lodge.


Anonymous rankin' rob said...

Vampire LeTarte, heh. I thought the Anthem was the best I'd seen all season, but I haven't seen them all. And what's with that eelegal immigrant taking Smoke and Junior's job?

8:11 AM  
Anonymous Fighting for your freedom at Barksdale said...

How is giving credit to where credit is due during the flyover a bad thing? How is that spoiling the armed forces? That's such a ridiculous thing to say when we're busting our asses day after day fighting for your freedom to say such ludicrious things. Do you know how many members of the armed forces died this weekend? at least three. Three families impacted, three units forever changed. Remember that when you say that the armed forces are being spoiled.

9:05 AM  
Blogger Neamhain said...

I actually saw some of the race. :)

9:51 AM  
Blogger RevJim said...

Johnny Paul and Smoke are about to launch the rivalry we have all been waiting for. It should be a great one.

1:55 PM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

To: "Fighting For Your Freedom at Barksdale": :

Good Lord! I hope you return here to read this AND go through some of my archives to read. If you were a regular reader here, you would know that I was being completely sarcastic towards ESPN, and that one of THE BIGGEST GRIPES of Willard's Garage is the televisions station's lack of ability to actually CREDIT our Armed Forces enough.

I hope you come back, & read a few older posts - if only for the "critiques" of the flyovers - so you will know that we're on your side, and are eternally grateful for everything ALL OF YOU in our military do for us.

We wouldn't be here without you, and we thank you for EVERYTHING you & your families give up for us.

One of the reasons we HATE ESPN is BECAUSE they never credit the flyovers - Hell- they often don't even show them.

7:18 PM  
Anonymous Jay said...

Only Thursday and I finally finished the race! Just in time for qualifying for Phoenix. I have a feeling the COT is going to stink the place up, but we're stuck with it so whachyagonnado?

A Smoke/JPM rivalry might just cause me a divorice, can't help it her driver is too big to fit in the window, but it'd sure as hell be fun to watch. ;)

5:28 PM  

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