Jessica Horn -Busch Yellow Transportation 300, or More Reasons to Hate Kansas
I hate Kansas. I have my reasons and they're damn good ones. Saturday's Busch race there didn't do a thing to change my opinion. First of all, for reasons that aren't clear to me, Kansas Speedway managed to conspire in the wrecking and/or misfortune of every single driver from Virginia who participated in the race.
And then there is "Kansas City's Own" Jessica Horn, who ... what would you call it? Not "sang". Not "performed", I don't think. "Adapted", possibly. She did the "adaptation" of our National Anthem. The fact that Kansas City would claim this woman as "their own" is enough to condemn them to Patriotic Purgatory. What she did to "The Star Spangled Banner" defies description. I'll take that long-legged Nubian May-I any day over this ... this... (shudder) ... thing. This Abbatoir of Song called "Jessica".
I don't know what she's trying to do with those vocal chords of hers -as Cecil said, "She obviously has a high roof to her mouth." Yup. She did. She was plenty loud. I can think of a couple things to stick into that 'high roof' to stop at least some of the things she assumed were notes from leaking out.
Cecil said kindly that she was over ambitious and that "her pitch was about as reliable as her cadence." That is to say, not at all.
This girl, for reasons I cannot understand, decided to hold out all of the half-notes for measures, and all of her whole notes were rendered as quarter notes. Think George Burns, or Willie Nelson in a jazzy, bored mood. Only she didn't hit the correct notes. I didn't realize there was such a thing as 'A-Flat and a Half' until I heard her sing. I dunno, maybe she's part Chinese and she's using their scale or something, but Jesus Christ she was so uniformly horrible and wrong that I hereby absolve all of the other "singers" before her who have butchered our NATIONAL ANTHEM.
Whoever hired her for that gig needs to be shot. But kudos to the guy who set off the fireworks during "bombs bursting". It had to be a fluke, there's no way in hell he could have judged when she would have reached those words.
NO STARS. EVER. The only stars you deserve are those sticky ones that you put on the papers you grade in the Elementary School where you should be teaching anything but music.
THE FLYOVER: Two beautiful EA-68 Prowlers from Washington D.C. Naval Reserve. Kewl.
THE INVOCATION: Cole Cochran of Kansas City Raceway Ministries. It was fine. Jeff Burton ought not to giggle in church, that might be why his engine give out.
THE COMMAND: James Welch, President and CEO of Yellow Transportation. Need I say more? He didn't suck as bad as many of the other Presidents and CEOs who preceded him, but he still sucked. God I hate Kansas.
And what was up with Wally D. and them pickin' at each other in the booth? We couldn't figure out the little in-"jokes", but they were getting downright bitchy with each other. It was getting to be a little embarrassing.
Harvick won again. Another reason to hate Kansas. But remember our motto: "Anybody but a Busch."
And then there is "Kansas City's Own" Jessica Horn, who ... what would you call it? Not "sang". Not "performed", I don't think. "Adapted", possibly. She did the "adaptation" of our National Anthem. The fact that Kansas City would claim this woman as "their own" is enough to condemn them to Patriotic Purgatory. What she did to "The Star Spangled Banner" defies description. I'll take that long-legged Nubian May-I any day over this ... this... (shudder) ... thing. This Abbatoir of Song called "Jessica".
I don't know what she's trying to do with those vocal chords of hers -as Cecil said, "She obviously has a high roof to her mouth." Yup. She did. She was plenty loud. I can think of a couple things to stick into that 'high roof' to stop at least some of the things she assumed were notes from leaking out.
Cecil said kindly that she was over ambitious and that "her pitch was about as reliable as her cadence." That is to say, not at all.
This girl, for reasons I cannot understand, decided to hold out all of the half-notes for measures, and all of her whole notes were rendered as quarter notes. Think George Burns, or Willie Nelson in a jazzy, bored mood. Only she didn't hit the correct notes. I didn't realize there was such a thing as 'A-Flat and a Half' until I heard her sing. I dunno, maybe she's part Chinese and she's using their scale or something, but Jesus Christ she was so uniformly horrible and wrong that I hereby absolve all of the other "singers" before her who have butchered our NATIONAL ANTHEM.
Whoever hired her for that gig needs to be shot. But kudos to the guy who set off the fireworks during "bombs bursting". It had to be a fluke, there's no way in hell he could have judged when she would have reached those words.
NO STARS. EVER. The only stars you deserve are those sticky ones that you put on the papers you grade in the Elementary School where you should be teaching anything but music.
THE FLYOVER: Two beautiful EA-68 Prowlers from Washington D.C. Naval Reserve. Kewl.
THE INVOCATION: Cole Cochran of Kansas City Raceway Ministries. It was fine. Jeff Burton ought not to giggle in church, that might be why his engine give out.
THE COMMAND: James Welch, President and CEO of Yellow Transportation. Need I say more? He didn't suck as bad as many of the other Presidents and CEOs who preceded him, but he still sucked. God I hate Kansas.
And what was up with Wally D. and them pickin' at each other in the booth? We couldn't figure out the little in-"jokes", but they were getting downright bitchy with each other. It was getting to be a little embarrassing.
Harvick won again. Another reason to hate Kansas. But remember our motto: "Anybody but a Busch."
posted by The Dixie Butcher at 10:52 PM
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