Saturday, September 09, 2006

Emerson Radio 250 - Richmond, VA

The Drive-by Truckers #07 Jack Daniels Car, Chevy Rock and Roll 400, 2005. Driver Dave Blaney & Crew.
Our one year anniversary. Wish you were here, Rob.

Well, Cup Qualifying was a hoot. Two Virginia boys on the front row, one being Richmond (well, Chesterfield - close enough....) native, Denny Hamlin. We liked Denny from the git, but it's his mumma and daddy we really love. Dennis and Mary Lou Hamlin gave up everything and all to finance their boy's dream. And couldn't be prouder. Denny's quotable daddy is what we call "our people". He's about a sensitive old booger. He'll cry on ya. And that's Jake by us, that dude is Cool. After his boy scored the pole position for the Chevy Rock and Roll 400, a tearful Dennis Hamlin said to TNT's Alan Bestwick of his son, "If we'da known he was gonna be that good, we'd have had 4 or 5 and sold them!". This comment was met with gales of approving laughter from all of the NASCAR talking heads, and may prove Mr. Hamlin to be more colorful and interesting than any of the current drivers. God Bless You, Dennis and Mary Lou Hamlin!

And onto the Busch Pre-Race Critiques:

THE INVOCATION: John Bryant, Mechanicsville Baptist Church. Bryant was short, sweet and reverent. He also sounded a great deal like Tom Hanks playing Forrest Gump, which sounds funny, but it was really cool. Think about it. Forrest would have made a great preacher.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: Performed flawlessly by The 392cd Army Band from Ft. Lee. It was a classic arrangement (except for one slightly baroque bit at the end, which added some drama) and should be held as a standard for how sporting events should present "The Star Spangled Banner". No noodley knuckleheads trying to "put their mark" on the song the way a tomcat puts his mark on your rose bushes.

FOUR STARS from everyone at Willard's Garagge. The way it should be done!

THE FLYOVER: Hello????? TNT??? Anybody awake over there? We taped The National Anthem so we could go outside and watch the flyover from our backyard, bein's how we're 1.5 miles from RIR. We saw two helicopters in the distance. Later we saw them on the video tape, but nobody bothered to mention what they were or where they came from.

THE COMMAND: Eduard Will, President of North American Radio Operations for Emerson Radio.
When will they ever learn? Whoever was in charge of reanimating that corpse was layin' down on the job.

Cecil said, "You can put him back in cold storage. He coulda used some more voltage on that de-feeble-ator to defrost him. CEOs make the worst Grand Dragon watchacallit command callers."

What is so fucking hard about getting a grown man to say four simple words with enthusiasm? These bastards are paying shitpiles of their stockholders' money to be on National Television for probably the only time in their lives, you'd think they'd WANT to shout it from the rooftops. But instead they all sound like Droopy Dog. Fuck you rich jerks, bring on your wives to holler "Gentlemen Start Your Engines!!", they're probably used to screamin' similar things at you.

Probably more along the lines of, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR VIAGRA AGAIN?????"
more fun racing song suggestions:
Darryl Worley's - "Sideways"
Cheap Trick's - "She's Nice, She's Tight"
Robbie Fulks's - "Let's Kill Saturday Night"


Anonymous rankin' rob said...

Heh. I will miss being there tonight. I swear it was more fun listening to the race from the back steps at Willard's than actually being at the track. We have to get Jinxy to the track. Television, and drunken NASCAR fan-evangelists just don't do it justice.

We'll make up for my absence this weekend at Talladega next month. Lotta monkeys at Talladega.

10:11 AM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

So I hear. The Alpha Hilltop Hooker tells me so, too.

Wish you coulda heard the race this year, RR, the atmospherics made it almost deafening at Willard's, and to add to it, we had a blood red, gigantic Hunter's Moon both nights.

We thought of you every moment, and you were sorely missed.

Good luck with Jinxy - if he got in on that action, he might could reach Nirvana. No Mongolian Whores Needed.

8:36 AM  

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