Well, I was kinda planning on slackin' off yet another week, but David Poole and Marty Snider kinda lit a fire under my ass last Monday during their Sirius radio show,
Morning Drive. I tuned in at something o'clock just in time to hear them and their listeners assigning 1-4 stars rating the pre-race activities, which included, hmmmmm.... what do you think? That's right, the same shit Cecil & I have been doing for months now! Rating The Anthem singing, flyovers, command givin' .... I didn't hear anyone mention an invocation -- maybe that's taking it a bit far for them, we dunno. Nonetheless, I figured I'd best hurry up and beat them knuckleheads to the punch, and I don't mean Jerry.
I'm actually gonna breeze through this weeks, as there was little worth mentioning as far as pre-race hoopla, but definitely a few snarky comments to follow, so don't stop reading after the critiques!
OUR NATIONS COLORS: Weren't presented by anyone, the announcer, who we presume was rushed due to the race being rescheduled because of thunderstorms at the track last night. simply asked the crowd to turn their heads toward the
off-camera flag in turn four before...
THE INVOCATION: which was given by Darlinton Raceway's
Harold King. We noticed Mark Martin bowing his head to hide a giggle fit during the invocation, and couldn't help but wonder if it was because Mr. King sounds comically like
John Boy & Billy Big Show 's curmudgeon at large, Robert D. Raiford. Who in turn sounds a lot like someone with a deep voice doing a really bad Jimmy Cagney impersonation. "You dirty rat, you...." (Which, by the way, Cagney never said in any of his movies.)
The Big Show is right popular in a lot of the Charlotte area garages, and hosts John Boy & Billy have frequently had various drivers on their show over the last 20 years. We're given to understand that a lot of the race crews listen to JB & B's syndicated, comical redneckery in the shops every weekday morning. But back to Mr. King's
invocation; aside from his humorous voice, coupled with a dry delivery, he was fine. Our favorite line was, "Lord, we ask your blessings on these loyal fans as they awaited patiently another NASCAR event."
I don't know why, but it always cracks us up when preachers talk to the Lord about NASCAR. We'll throw 2 or 3 stars Mr. King's way, what the heck?
THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: was sung by
Lesa Hudson , who, we were told, had a #2 hit on the Christian Country Charts with her song,
"Step Out in Faith". That's all well and good, but Miss Hudson fucking killed our National Anthem by rendering the song ala Willie Nelson and / or George Burns in a bored mood. You know what I mean, we've discussed this before. It's when they sing words all fast in little bursts, then pause awhile, then spit out a few more. And y'all know how much Aunt Dixie hates that herky-jerky fooling with cadence. It's fun for maybe one sing, when George Burns is clowning on "Moon River", or Willie just can't stand to do "Blue Eyes Cryin' In the Rain" the same way 50,000 nights in a row, but not for the Anthem of The United States of America.
As if that weren't bad enough, she also managed to get notey as well. The other cardinal sin of anthem singing. So all in all, she really screwed it up good. As Cecil said, "Sit on my Faith, Ms. Hudson!"
ONE STAR: from Willard's Garage, and we're just giving you that because you showed up sober and seem like a nice girl.
THE FLYOVER There wasn't one. It's a shame, but - rain delayed race on Mother's Day, you can't blame them.
THE COMMAND: was given by the mothers of a great many of the drivers, and was pretty much the same as any group of people yelling anything while using two or three microphones. Some of the ladies may have really belted it out and done a great job, but we'll never know. Sounded just like any group of moms hollering at a soccer game or sumpin'. Nonetheless, we'll give them the benefit of the doubt, and
FOUR STARS from Willard's Garage for giving birth to some of the finest race car drivers in the world, and enabling their sons to follow their dreams -- not to mention giving us countless hours of great entertainment.
Alrighty then!!!!! Now that we have
that out of the way!! Let's get on to the shenanigans!
Let's start with my
very favorite anecdote, which would be Greg Biffle's crew chief? Was it? Who was at the race today, doing his job, while his wife was home, waiting to give birth at any moment.
That's how a racing wife should be, dammit!! And somebody on a race team! Take notes, Mr. & Mrs. Deeringhoff, take notes!
And then. Things overheard on the driver to crew radios on Sirius:
(and I apologize for not having the Lap #'s, I just wasn't that on top of things) --
Pee Paw Schrader: "Aaaaa FUCK! ....... pounded the wall!"
(By the way, the "Aaaa" part is pronounced like the "a" sound in the word "back".)
In the garage later, Schrader asked someone on his crew, "How many laps [left] Chip?"
"About 599. ....actually, one-o-nine." I'm sure it seemed like 599, though. Bless their hearts.
Hay Pee - or, Juan Pablo Montoya, -- is extremely talkative on his radio, and admirably adept at swearing in English. Apparently nobody told him you're not supposed to say "fuck" in NASCAR, even if it is on satellite radio, and eventually they replaced him with Clint Bowyer on his designated channel, after some of the following exchanges:
Donnie Wingo offered, "We can take out some wedge if you want."
JP: "Wedge doesn't do jack shit!! I don't know how bad it is fucked up, Donnie."
(after being hit by a white car - the 6? Probably? on pit road): "[several unintelligible words] FUCK!!"
crew member: "He's a fuckin' idiot!"
I again offer apologies for not knowing exactly who he was referring to at any given time, and we sure hope he gets another chance next week, but only if he continues to swear a lot.
That's about all I got, folks. Oh wait. I guess I should congratulate Jeff Gordon & his fans Rankin' Rob & Cecil's mumma.
Signing off.
Big Dix, signing off.