Rankin' Rob Takes on Daytona

Due to ill health and general malaise at Willard's Garage, our dear friend Rankin' Rob has graciously stepped in to relieve us our common tatering duties. Thanks, Rob!!
+++++++++++

Hamlin and Stewart wreck each other out, Stewart lambastes young Hamlin, who looks like a deer in the headlights in his interview seconds later--he had obviously just watched or heard Smoke's tirade. Gibbs is at a critical point in the season. If he can't get Tony to look at the big picture for a few seconds during a race, if Hamlin is suddenly looking over his shoulder everytime the orange car with the red ass approaches, Gibbs could flunk the Chase. At least Hamlin has a few weeks and a points cushion to get his mojo back before the tournament.

Roush looks strong for the second half. Edwards pushed McMurray to the win and good vibes for all, and Kenseth always lurks. I expect McMurray and possibly Kurt Busch to knock out some of the current top 12 before it's set.

Gordon and Johnson both do everything they can to leave Kyle hung out the last few laps. Gordon in particular had the perfect opportunity to duck down and push Kyle the few feet he needed. I get it, the 24 and 48 were going for the win, but it was obvious that neither car could lead the draft all night long. The word is out, don't help the lame duck. Boosh the Younger minces no words about it in his post-race interview. If they both announce team specifics and sponsorships within the next month, I would not be surprised to see either driver finish out the year with the another team. If Kyle signs to drive the Bud car at DEI that might be a done deal. He may be a bug-eyed creep, but Kyle is fun to watch race. He makes things happen.

Did you hear Kyle Petty say that his Dad calls Kyle Busch the 'best natural driving talent since Tim Richmond'? Do I detect a not-so-subtle attempt to sell Kyle B on joining Bobby Labonte next season? Kyle Petty, by the way, is excellent on TV. He and Dallenbach compliment each other perfectly. I think he will be this generation's Buddy Baker in the booth.

Apropos of nothing, Dave Blaney was competitive all weekend but faded to his typical 23rd place consolation prize. CAT announced this week that they were 'disappointed' in their car missing races this year, and that they would be discussing extending their long-time deal at BDR in the coming months. Blaney drove it on the high line last night like he knows this could be it for his gig and even the team's fortunes.

Speaking of Midwestern hard luck cases--Johnny Sauter keeps showing up and racing, staying on the lead lap and in the field. In a lower profile season, he and Bootie would be a bigger story. The Yellow Freight car is always cheered loudly at Bristol, where Jimmy Spencer used to wheel it in the Busch Series. I'm close to predicting a shocking upset there next month.

Smoke, Hay-Pee & other random thoughts.

Our good buddy and NASCAR liason Rankin' Rob came up with a couple of good ones I hadn't heard before- referring to Newman as "Ryandroid" especially tickled me. And then calling Kurt Busch "Boosh the Elder". "Boosh". Heh heh. I like it - first off, it sounds like "douche", and second it reminds me of the way hard-core Hoosiers pronounce "bush".

Just thought I'd share. We've come up with a few over the few years we've known each other, often cracking wise and riffing off of one another while making fun of various drivers. I'll have to dig through my archives to remember exactly how we came to refer to Martin Truex Jr. as Truexacoatl, but it had something to do with an hilarious scenario Rob created wherein Truex was driving under the influence of Peyote.

And speaking of things from South of the Border, did any of you catch Tony Stewart's radio show last night, where he said he loved Juan Pablo Montoya? He did clarify that it was not in the same way he "loved" Brittany Spears.

The things you find out about people when their guard is down, I swear! Cecil and I love Smoke, but after you've heard him prattle on about this and that for two hours at a time, you begin to realize he can be quite a dizzy dame when he's not careful.

I don't expect him to go all Kyle Petty on my ass and want to talk about Kierkegaard or something, but damn! Hearing him and Hay-Pee Montoya go on for 10 minutes about whether they'd fuck Brittany Spears pre-shaved head, post shaved-head, pregnant, 5 years ago, 2 years ago, 10 years from now.... that's kinda more than I want to know. And when they put Brittaney's money on the dresser, they moved on to Christina Aguilara and... dang, who was the other one? Lindsey Lohan, I think.

Sorry if I'm misspelling names here, but I stopped reading People magazine about the time I stopped going to beauty parlors. And by simply calling it a "beauty parlor", that should tell you it was a long-ass time ago. Mid '70s, or thereabouts. Before whatshisname, Vital Buffoon, had the "sa-LON" commercials.

So where was I....? Oh yeah, Smoke is kind of a shallow dope. Oh well, ya still gotta love 'im. He is what he is.

Goofy and entertaining. He and Montoya are two peas in a pod. That HayPee is one funny rascal - and English is his second language! I'll bet he's really a panic when he's speaking Columbian or whatever they speak down there.

Mother's Day at Darlington - The Dodge Avenger 500, May 13, 2007

Well, I was kinda planning on slackin' off yet another week, but David Poole and Marty Snider kinda lit a fire under my ass last Monday during their Sirius radio show, Morning Drive. I tuned in at something o'clock just in time to hear them and their listeners assigning 1-4 stars rating the pre-race activities, which included, hmmmmm.... what do you think? That's right, the same shit Cecil & I have been doing for months now! Rating The Anthem singing, flyovers, command givin' .... I didn't hear anyone mention an invocation -- maybe that's taking it a bit far for them, we dunno. Nonetheless, I figured I'd best hurry up and beat them knuckleheads to the punch, and I don't mean Jerry.

I'm actually gonna breeze through this weeks, as there was little worth mentioning as far as pre-race hoopla, but definitely a few snarky comments to follow, so don't stop reading after the critiques!

OUR NATIONS COLORS: Weren't presented by anyone, the announcer, who we presume was rushed due to the race being rescheduled because of thunderstorms at the track last night. simply asked the crowd to turn their heads toward the off-camera flag in turn four before...

THE INVOCATION: which was given by Darlinton Raceway's Harold King. We noticed Mark Martin bowing his head to hide a giggle fit during the invocation, and couldn't help but wonder if it was because Mr. King sounds comically like John Boy & Billy Big Show 's curmudgeon at large, Robert D. Raiford. Who in turn sounds a lot like someone with a deep voice doing a really bad Jimmy Cagney impersonation. "You dirty rat, you...." (Which, by the way, Cagney never said in any of his movies.) The Big Show is right popular in a lot of the Charlotte area garages, and hosts John Boy & Billy have frequently had various drivers on their show over the last 20 years. We're given to understand that a lot of the race crews listen to JB & B's syndicated, comical redneckery in the shops every weekday morning. But back to Mr. King's invocation; aside from his humorous voice, coupled with a dry delivery, he was fine. Our favorite line was, "Lord, we ask your blessings on these loyal fans as they awaited patiently another NASCAR event."

I don't know why, but it always cracks us up when preachers talk to the Lord about NASCAR. We'll throw 2 or 3 stars Mr. King's way, what the heck?


THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: was sung by Lesa Hudson , who, we were told, had a #2 hit on the Christian Country Charts with her song, "Step Out in Faith". That's all well and good, but Miss Hudson fucking killed our National Anthem by rendering the song ala Willie Nelson and / or George Burns in a bored mood. You know what I mean, we've discussed this before. It's when they sing words all fast in little bursts, then pause awhile, then spit out a few more. And y'all know how much Aunt Dixie hates that herky-jerky fooling with cadence. It's fun for maybe one sing, when George Burns is clowning on "Moon River", or Willie just can't stand to do "Blue Eyes Cryin' In the Rain" the same way 50,000 nights in a row, but not for the Anthem of The United States of America.

As if that weren't bad enough, she also managed to get notey as well. The other cardinal sin of anthem singing. So all in all, she really screwed it up good. As Cecil said, "Sit on my Faith, Ms. Hudson!"

ONE STAR: from Willard's Garage, and we're just giving you that because you showed up sober and seem like a nice girl.

THE FLYOVER There wasn't one. It's a shame, but - rain delayed race on Mother's Day, you can't blame them.

THE COMMAND: was given by the mothers of a great many of the drivers, and was pretty much the same as any group of people yelling anything while using two or three microphones. Some of the ladies may have really belted it out and done a great job, but we'll never know. Sounded just like any group of moms hollering at a soccer game or sumpin'. Nonetheless, we'll give them the benefit of the doubt, and

FOUR STARS from Willard's Garage for giving birth to some of the finest race car drivers in the world, and enabling their sons to follow their dreams -- not to mention giving us countless hours of great entertainment.

Alrighty then!!!!! Now that we have that out of the way!! Let's get on to the shenanigans!

Let's start with my very favorite anecdote, which would be Greg Biffle's crew chief? Was it? Who was at the race today, doing his job, while his wife was home, waiting to give birth at any moment. That's how a racing wife should be, dammit!! And somebody on a race team! Take notes, Mr. & Mrs. Deeringhoff, take notes!

And then. Things overheard on the driver to crew radios on Sirius:

(and I apologize for not having the Lap #'s, I just wasn't that on top of things) --

Pee Paw Schrader: "Aaaaa FUCK! ....... pounded the wall!"
(By the way, the "Aaaa" part is pronounced like the "a" sound in the word "back".)

In the garage later, Schrader asked someone on his crew, "How many laps [left] Chip?"
"About 599. ....actually, one-o-nine." I'm sure it seemed like 599, though. Bless their hearts.

Hay Pee - or, Juan Pablo Montoya, -- is extremely talkative on his radio, and admirably adept at swearing in English. Apparently nobody told him you're not supposed to say "fuck" in NASCAR, even if it is on satellite radio, and eventually they replaced him with Clint Bowyer on his designated channel, after some of the following exchanges:

Donnie Wingo offered, "We can take out some wedge if you want."
JP: "Wedge doesn't do jack shit!! I don't know how bad it is fucked up, Donnie."

(after being hit by a white car - the 6? Probably? on pit road): "[several unintelligible words] FUCK!!"
crew member: "He's a fuckin' idiot!"

I again offer apologies for not knowing exactly who he was referring to at any given time, and we sure hope he gets another chance next week, but only if he continues to swear a lot.

That's about all I got, folks. Oh wait. I guess I should congratulate Jeff Gordon & his fans Rankin' Rob & Cecil's mumma.

Signing off.
Big Dix, signing off.

Clint Bowyer Looking for New Crew Chief?

From WhoWon.com:

"For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll? They Toll for Dan … Bowyer’s crew chief Dan Deeringhoff will miss this weekend’s race at Talladega in lieu of his wedding. Deeringhoff will marry Sandy Bessey in a ceremony this Saturday at noon at Sandals Resort in the Bahamas. Bowyer’s NEXTEL Cup Series engineer Jeremy Bullins will call the race in Deeringhoff’s absence who will return to the top of the pit box next weekend in Richmond."

I think this blurb pretty much speaks for itself, but I can't resist voicing the obvious.

That must be some amazing pussy.

I caught the "announcement" sometime before the Talladega races, but haven't gotten around to commenting on that, as well as the pre-race stuff from 'Dega and Richmond, but this news just trumps all.

I'll tell ya what those bells are really tolling for: Dan Deeringhoff's career as a crew chief. As Cecil pointed out, Deeringhoff may get some "to his face" ribbing from Bowyer & the rest of his crew for being so pussy whipped that he'd miss Talladega to get married, and he most likely replied something to the effect of, "Well, yeah... but you only get married once, from now on everything else is back to normal, and no more missing races because of my extraordinarily hot wife." But I agree with Cecil, who said if she's hot enough that he'd agree to miss Talladega for a Spring Wedding in the Bahamas, (...uhhhh... Dan? It's always nice in the Bahamas, you really coulda done it in December or January....), then she is PLENTY hot. Hot enough that you need to be worrying about her gettin' some on the side when you're at the shop late all week long, and at the track all weekend long.

If she don't give enough of a shit about racing that she'd make you miss Talladega for your fucking wedding, she sure as hell ain't gonna be in the pit-box with you 36 weekends a year. Oh hail no! And Cecil also noted that "They have a Chapel in the infield of Talladega."

Buddy, you're screwed. Bless your heart. Sincerest condolences from Willard's Garage, mate. Any gal who would knowingly marry a (nearly) top-level crew chief, then require him to miss Talladega so she can marry him, is going to be higher maintenance than all the cars at RCR put together. You'll never get to Cup full time making those kinds of calls. I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you in such a cruel manner, but if you think it hasn't been said behind your back by everybody in the garage, you're living in a fantasy world. Enjoy it while you can, dude.

Best of luck to you, Dan. Congratulations on bagging what must be one amazing girl, and HEARTIEST congrats on winning the Busch race in Richmond!! Don't get too cocky (no pun intended), don't let yourself get distracted, and keep up the great work!!

Subway Fresh Fit 500- Phoenix, AZ, April 20, 2007

"Lapse O'Luxury" by Wes Freed. copyright. (click on image to see it LARGE )

+++Sorry for any typos or grammatical errors guys. It's late, I'm lazy & about half cross-eyed. Enjoy your Sundays "off", try not to "do something constructive", and just lay on the couch & drink beer all day!+++

It's kind of aggravating to see Jeff Gordon beat Tony Stewart. I can't get too emotional about it for some reason, guess I'm just relieved Jimmie Johnson didn't win, and it did turn out to be a pretty good race, overall. More aggravating for me, I think, is having too many options for my viewing and listening pleasure. Ten driver/spotter/crew channels on Sirius radio, five dedicated driver channels on Direct TV, and then FOX, of course. And then my perpetually Lupus-fogged brain to try to sort it all out.

But enough of that! There are kids starving the world over, it's shameful that I complain of such bounty at all!!

We heard Rousch was grousing after the race about the COT - or "The Wing Ding", as Mojo Nixon calls it, and it's lack of ability to pass. He claimed that other than Denny Hamlin, most everyone else had trouble passing. Or maybe he meant most everyone who wasn't a Chevy. I did notice that most everyone who started at or got stuck behind about 30 seemed to stay pretty well rooted in the exact same position for looooooooooooong stretches of time, and if they did move around, it wasn't by much.

Since I like a lot drivers that typically spend a fair amount of time in the back, I do a lot of banner-scanning for position , and it seems to me there's usually a great deal more switching of positions in the last 25 or so drivers. They may never make it to the front 25 at all, but they do tend to scoot around amongst themselves more. And God forbid that any of the stations that air races spend more time focusing on the other racing that goes on instead of showing us a minute solid of one single car zipping around by itself... Lord that's aggravating!! We all know there's all kinds of interesting stuff that goes on in the back, it would be nice to see more of it. Even if it was only a little box in the corner of the screen that they turn on now & then for a few minutes at a time. It'd be better'n' nuttin' .

Well, David Ragan did his best to spice things up for a little while anyway. (He certainly added a lot of spice to the Busch race!! ) We really, really want to like that kid. He seems like a good egg, and he has a wonderful Georgia accent that's so endearing. But Smoke was spot on with the "dart without feathers" comment. That poor kid is worse than Johnny Sauter and Robby Gordon put together. We were momentarily amused by his mayhem when Pee-Paw Schrader asked his spotter, "Who started that?". His spotter replied, "You're not gonna believe this, but... David Ragan."

Schrader dryly shot back, "Yeah, that's kinda what I was gettin' at...." . Y'all probably recall Ragan's run-in with Pee-Paw last year which took Schrader - who was having a pretty good day- out of the race. Most memorable because Ragan is the only driver we can recall that made Schrader mad enough to have a hissy fit. He claimed he was only trying to "help clean up the track and help the NASCAR officials" when he got grabbed a long stretch of pipe from his wrecked vehicle and aimed it for the passenger side of the Six car as it tooled around the track under caution.

Poor Pee-Paw, BOY!! I mean, you really have to try hard to get him riled up.

Anywhooziedooles, let s get on with the pre-race critique, shall we?

OUR NATIONS COLORS: were presented by The Luke Air Force Base Honor Guard.

THE INVOCATION: was given, as always at Phoenix, by the PIR Chaplain, Ken Bowers. Bowers was quick, to the point, and informed us yet again that everybody said "Amen".

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM was sung by Josh Kelley , who had a Virginia Tech "VT" emblem temporary tattoo on his arm. I thought Josh did a very nice job in that he sang the song very straight (the way we like it), and did virtually nothing that was remarkable. He had to do that 1/2 sing, 1/2 whisper thing for the really low notes, which many singers opt to do, and I was okay with that. I was all ready to give him 3 and 1/2 stars out of 4 until Cecil said, "He didn't do anything wrong, I just didn't like it that much." Which made me think, "Yeah, neither did I." I mean, 3 1/2 is a pretty high mark - that should be reserved for somebody who did a great version that really made you feel Patriotic but maybe the made a couple of little boo-boos. But Josh didn't quite nail it to the wall, and he didn't really turn me on either, so:

THREE STARS from Willard's Garage.

THE FLYOVER: was again four F-16s from the Luke Air Force Base in Glendale, Arizona.

THE COMMAND: Oh dear, dear, dear. What a crushing disappointment. I was all excited about the command, because I had heard the other day that Subway's not-fat spokesman, Jared Fogle, was going to give it. Last year Jared completely wowed us not once, but twice before the Martinsville race. One because he completely surprised us by giving one of the best, loudest, most enthusiastic commands we've ever heard, and Two because he and Subway plugged Subway, as well as thanked the fans and the track in a pre-taped commercial that ran just before the station cut back to the track for the actual command, which consisted only of the words "Gentlemen, start your engines."

As it should be. Almost without exception.


Signing off.

D.B.

Phoenix Busch Race - Friday, April 20, 2007. Eliot Sloan

Gosh, I still haven't gotten around to updated the section I set aside for last week's Busch race. Ol' Dix has been a tad bizzy, not to mention still disgusted with ESPN for sucking so much. However, this evening's Busch race reminded me that there are a few things I like about ESPN's coverage.

One is getting to see good ol' Alan Bestwick once in awhile.

Although I adore Dave DeSpain, I felt bad for Bestwick when SPEED kind of unceremoniously replaced him as host of "Inside Nextel Cup", after having had that gig for years. Bestwick also had a fun and unique rapport with his co-hosts, and we kind of miss the way he allowed them to run amok frequently in something akin to a NASCAR version of a Marx Brothers movie. Plus, unlike too much of the ESPN on-air talent for the Busch races, Bestwick knows a good bit about NASCAR and all it's players. ESPN has improved some, and from watching more of the weeknight show of theirs, they have quite a large stable of talking heads they choose from, and it seems about 50% of them have no business being there. Most of the rest are simply "acceptable" in their qualifications, and maybe 10% actually act like they know what they're doing.

The other thing we really, really like about ESPN's coverage is the way they start the races. (And also do re-starts.) The allow all the spotters to do it for them - all at the same time!! It's cool as shit hearing 43 voices say "Be ready. Beeee readddyyyyy", "Green, green, green!" , "Go, go, go!" etc., etc. , all at the same time. It's very exciting - really puts you in the mood and in the moment. It makes you feel very racy!! Aaaand, it beats the fuck out of D.W.'s tired old, "Boogity, boogity, boogity!". I'm really sick to death of that, but I don't know what else he'd do, so I'll stop gripin' !!

About that, anyway.

On to the pre-race ceremonies!!!

First off, "Thank You", and kudos to PIR for flying the Virginia Tech flag beneath our Nation's Flag on at least one flagpole. That was a very thoughtful gesture.

OUR NATION'S COLORS: Were presented by the Arizona National Guard. Thank you all very much.

THE INVOCATION: Was given by Ken Bowers, Chaplain of Phoenix International Raceway. Ken was fairly dry, as usual, but he does that snappy ending that I love, which is, "And then everybody said 'amen' . " I don't know why I like that, but I do. It's matter of factness tickles me.

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM: was sung by Eliot Sloan of the band Blessid Union of Souls . Eliot did a very nice job, although it was pretty low key. Which we would much prefer to some of the misguided and manic renditions we've heard in the past. Mr. Sloan has a sweet voice, with just a smidge of gravel to it. Somewhere between tenor and baritone - he had to dig some for those first low notes. But overall he did a really nice job. Especially considering, as Cecil pointed out, that, "For somebody in a band called "Blessid Union of Souls" he showed remarkable restraint on the noodliness."

Which is true. He didn't add a whole lot of extra notes, and you barely noticed them anyway, due to his rather somber and sleepy rendering. He made it sound "Sad. And sexy." (That's a technical musical term. I've actually had a producer request that of me in the studio before - it's legit. ) He used five or six notes on the final "wave", which got under my craw about, but overall, we've heard much worse. So....

TWO AND A HALF STARS from Willard's Garage

THE FLYOVER: Four F-16's from Luke Air Force Base in Arizona. They were very cool, as always, and ESPN managed to both show them on the screen for a respectable amount of time, and credit them with a graphic on the bottom. Keep it up ESPN. Keep it up.

And thanks, of course, as always, to our military for taking the time for the display.

THE COMMAND: Was given by Ralph Woodward, who was credited on screen, but they failed to mention who he was affiliated with or what it was he did to earn the honor of being Grand Marshall of the race.

(Cough). Ralph was... let's say, a disappointment. He was kinda a big fella, very clean cut, looked kinda like a cross between Robby Gordon and William Shatner. Dockers and a polo shirt. He looked like somebody who would be loud and boisterous at a bar. So even though he put an "okay" amount of air behind his "Gentlemen, start your engines.", he disappointed us. Cecil said, "If he was at a Hooter's and his wings were taking too long, he'd yell at the waitress considerable louder than that, I concur. Therefore:

TWO STARS from all of us at Willard's -- and the only reason he's getting two is because we've heard some pretty darned pussified commands from Mr. Woodward's ilk over the past few years.

Throughtout the coverage they focused on the murders at Virginia Tech a good bit, and made a point to talk to all the drivers and crew members who had Virginia ties. Which we thought was very nice. But why no Ward Burton? SPEED talked to Ward about it - bein's how he's running a big VT on his car and all. And bein's how he's the only driver who REALLY still lives in Virginia. And bein's how he's even on Virginia's Game & Inland Fisheries Board and heavily involved with the state in many other ways.

(Heavy sigh.) Oh well. We all know why they didn't show our buddy Ward. Didn't have a translator. They'll talk to Montoya all day long, but just can't handle Ward's accent.

Pussies.

Oh yes, and one more leeeeeeetle bitty gripe I have is that they're not creative with their bumper music. They seem to be stuck in an Aerosmith groove, and much as I like old Aerosmith, there is so much great music out there that would be just awesome as bumpers for a race (...wait, I did hear the strains of the intro to Flock of Seagulls "I Ran" at one point, and they played Foghats "Slow Ride" a lot. Slow Ride???? WTF??) that it almost seems like it would be more of a chore to resist picking out some cool, racy tunes.

Enough bitchin' for tonight - tomorrow will be long day! Congrats to Clint Bowyer!!!! Way to go, ya knucklehead!! No need to comment on Kenseth and Burton, I don't think. ;)

Concerning Flyovers

A-10 Warthogs




A-10 Thunderbolts

This morning there was a comment left by someone who called themselves, "Fighting For Your Freedom at Barksdale" that really hurt all of our hearts at Willard's Garage. They didn't appear to be a blogger member, so we don't know how to contact them privately - but if any of you might know who they are, and could send them an email telling them we are offering up an explanation and apology for their benefit, as well as the benefit of any other member of our Armed Forces who might have misundertood a little sarcastic comment Aunt Dixie made early this a.m., we'd all be most appreciative if you could direct them back to Willard's for this. Also please let them know that they can contact me personally via the email link over at the left if they have any more gripes with me, and I'll do my best to make things right.

We've had a few new readers of late, and didn't dawn on me that some of them wouldn't be familiar with my previous posts, or the somewhat wacky - but sincere- views we hold about being respectful to the ceremonies of honoring our country and those who represent it. And being talky like I am, I doubt any of the new readers have the time or inclination to go back through the pages of archives to get a feel for where we at Willard's Garage stand on anything. So for "Fighting For Your Freedom at Barksdale", I thank you again for your service, and have collected *some* of my past commentaries on how aggravated we get when the flyovers ARE NOT credited for you to peruse in order to see that we're not a buncha shallow, Unpatriotic Lunatics. We're just regular everyday lunatics. The photos above are some of the ones we've had up above blog posts in the past, because they're cooler than photos of race car drivers.

Submitted for your approval:
_____________________________

From: "ESPN Needs to Stop Sucking!!- Soon!!", posted March 01, 2007-

The broadcasts of the Busch races blow, too, sad to say. NBC was notorious for not showing flyovers, or not crediting the various Air Force bases who went waaaaay yonder out of their way to put on a 30 second show for attending fans and the national television viewing audience, but they didn't do it every time, and they'd often try to squeeze in a replay -sometimes with credits- at some point during the race. But these fucktards at ESPN just don't seem to get the importance of the flyover.

From: "The Kobalt 500 Nextel Cup Race- Coo'lanta", posted March 19 , 2007

THE FLYOVER Ai yi yi!! Well, ABC got it right last week. But FOX, with the "help" of ESPN fucked up again. ::::::Le sigh. Now, they did actually show the four black helicopters - a couple different times, in fact. But there was no credit given what-so-fucking-ever. GOD DAMMIT!! I hate those guys!! Hate 'em!!! This is our military. They spend millions of taxpayer dollars advertising on a whole big, fat bunch of these race cars. And a not inconsiderable amount of money having these magnificent young men and women actually fly these amazingly cool aircraft over all of the NASCAR races. So WHY? WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS AMERICAN AND JUST AND GOOD can these fucktards at ESPN not manage to get one of their HUNDREDS of computer geeks who work in the A.V. department type out a few words to put at the bottom of the screen to acknowledge our military? That irks me more than just damn near any other mistakes those people make. Lord it makes me hot.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, there were a total of four super-duper cool black helicopters. One appeared to be a Black Hawk, and I don't know what the other three were. Or where any of them were from or what they called themselves or anything.

FIVE STARS for the cool choppers and those who flew them.
SUCK MY DICK!!!!!! To FOX and ESPN for not being able to get their shit together.


From: "The Sony HD 500", posted Sept. 03, 2006-

THE FLYOVER; Definitely the high mark of the show.

Two beautiful F117-Nighthawks that were so awesome they actually made the crowd cheer for a moment during Miss MYA's miasmatic vocal wanderings.

From: "The Emerson Radio 250, Richmond, VA", posted Sept. 09, 2006-

THE FLYOVER: Hello????? TNT??? Anybody awake over there? We taped The National Anthem so we could go outside and watch the flyover from our backyard, bein's how we're 1.5 miles from RIR. We saw two helicopters in the distance. Later we saw them on the video tape, but nobody bothered to mention what they were or where they came from.


From: "The Chevy Rock and Roll 400", posted Sept. 09, 2006-

THE FLYOVER: F-16 Fighting Falcons led by Bobby Sandford of the Virginia Air National Guard. THIS. WAS. COOL. And finally TNT gave them credit both onscreen and verbally, even mentioning who lead the squadron and that it would be the last flyover by the F-16s, as they're being replaced by F-22s. Cooler yet was that they buzzed our house not once, but twice!!! I love it when military aircraft fly over our house, but it's only twice a year that I know for sure when they're going to do it, so I can go out and watch for them.


From: "The Sylvania 300, Loudon, NH", posted Sept. 18, 2006-

THE FLYOVER: Four A-10 Warthogs from the New Hampshire Air National Guard. Very cool. And guess what? They were about the only people involved that got a banner at the bottom of the screen identifying them. Okay TNT, we'll take it. If you can only give credit once, let it be for the military. I still think you suck, though.


From: "Atlanta Motor Speedway Nextel Cup Race ", posted Oct. 29, 2006-

THE FLYOVER: One magnificent B-52 StratoFortress out of Barksdale Air Force Base, Louisiana.
Most impressive. Even the name is totaly bad ass.

From: "The Other End of Vegas", posted March 12, 2007-

THE FLYOVER: 5, count 'em, 5!!! Thunderbirds! Gawd I love those things!!!! Yeeeehaw! No credits given on screen or on air - Can anyone tell us why one of the five planes dove down and the remaining four shot straight up & hot dogged? Was that a variation on a missing man formation or something?

TMS Samsung 500:Burton & Kenseth Do It Again!!, Mercy Me!!

Our Race Winners and The Kid.
Oh. Wait. Ooops!


Here it is!! Win, Place & Show, Jeff Burton and Matt Kenseth with their racing mentor, Mark Martin.


The Man Who Should have Been Grand Marshall.

++++++++++++++
Okey dokey. Man y'all!!! Was that an eventful race day or what???!!! Hell, it was just a big week! Jeeze, I can't believe I'm gonna "waste space" by critiquing all the pre-race entertainment, but if we don't do it, who will? ESPN2? I don' teeeeenk sooooooo . They kinda remind me of Kyle Busch. Except ESPN seems to pack up and go home before the race starts, whereas Kyle at least waited until he'd run around the track a few times first.

Congrats to Jack Roush for a 1-2-3 finish. Oops. Sorry Jack. Too bad it ain't 2005 again.

Well congrats at least to South Boston, VA's own Jeff Burton for a delightful win, and thanks also to his best girl, Matt Kenseth, for a squeakin' close second and a helluva great show during the last few laps. Damn, the last couple years those two have been like two peas in a pod at any given point during a race - always racin' near one another & helpin' one another out. Admit it though, what we love most is watching them reach those breath-taking, last lap climaxes together - one coming over the line just hundredths of a second after the other! When's the last time that happened to you? Don't tell me!! But do keep a checkered flag handy on y'all's bedposts for the next time it does happen. Matt and Jeff are becoming a regular Mutt and Jeff. Or Siegfried and Roy, I'm not sure which.

I could go on about how Dale Jr. hopped in the "missing" (read: sulking) Kyle Bush's car, or how Hay-Pee and Smoke "went all Hay-Pee and Smoke on one another", or even some of Tony Stewart's cryptic post race comments -- but I reckon you boys probably have that ground covered in your blogs. .....On with the show!!

+++++++++++++

THE INVOCATION: Given by the Texas Motor Speedway Chaplain Rev. Dr. Marsh Boy he was swell!! I swear I think he was trying to imitate Ricky Bobby's "grace" speech from Talladega Nights, right down to Will Ferrell's voice and inflections. "Heavenly Father, we thank You for this incredibly gorgeous day,... etc., etc, ... In Your Name, cute, cuddly, yet omniscient 8lb, 6oz., Lord Baby Jesus."

Nice job Dr. Rev - you made that Invocation your bitch! (Hand to God, he really did sound just like Ricky Bobby...)

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM was sung by a Christian band that appears to be currently based in Texas and goes by the name of Mercy Me . I checked out their Wikipedia entry and it made some vague reference to some of the boys meeting one another on an overseas "mission" - I presume Christian - but it clearly infers right at the top of the page that one of them is a member of the Irish Republican Army. WTF? Heh. Jinxy?!!?! ( Hogan!?! ) You been foolin' with other peoples's wikis again? Naughty, naughty Jinxy!!

Alrighty. So, ya got these six pleasant looking but slightly scruffy young fellars all lined up in front of one microphone. Much like the Anthem Vocalists before the Busch race, they chose a rather conservative arrangement that leaned more towards 'hymny' and less toward 'marching band instrumenty'- which was fine by us. The harmonies were fairly close- nobody taking any ludicrously high or low notes, and nobody got mellifluous on us. No extra, unnecessary notes; and unlike their unbrushed hair, not a note out of place. But hey! That ain't their faults! How were they supposed to know they were going to be on television?! Hell, ESPN doesn't bother showing the bands.... why would FOX?

I thought their arrangement sounded perilously close to a Christmas Carol, and less "bandy" than Saturday's Little Texas version, but it was still right purdy, and made more sense once I Wiki'd them and read about them bein' a Jesus Band and all. Cecil's only complaint was that, "the singer who looked like Rutledge should've taken one step back from the mic so we didn't have to hear every breath he took." That said, they still get

THREE STARS from Willard's Garage.

THE FLYOVER was one single B-52 from Barksdale Air Force Base in Louisiana - and y'all won't believe this, but those LUNATICS at FOX showed this jet 3 times during the singing of our National Anthem - and then showed it yet again when they came back from the commercial break and actually printed its credentials at the bottom of the television screen. They've gone mad over there! MAD! I TELL YOU!!! They're going to spoil the boys and girls in our Armed Forces. Next thing you know all of our soldiers, sailors and pilots are gonna want their props during every race. Sheesh!

THE COMMAND Whoo boy. The command. Well, apparently, the jolly wrassler, Stone Cold Steve Austin has a new movie called The Condemned that needs promoting, so he was the race's Grand Marshall yesterday. We like ol' Stone Cold alright, but I'm not afraid to say his command was a bit weak - especially for a big old boy like him. Hulk Hogan -- now That Guy knows how to give a command!! Austin's was less of a commanding shout, and more of a very laid back growl - which he preceded with, "The bottom line is...."

What the hell is that supposed to mean? We figured it must be a catch phrase of his in the squared circle, or maybe from his new movie. I dunno. Either way, it was unnecessary, and if he was trying to sound menacing it didn't work. Cecil said he expected more from someone with such lung capacity and to "Call him when the growl becomes a roar." He also said if they was gonna have a wrassler, they shoulda got Blackjack Mulligan, but I reckon he didn't have anything to sell this week.

ONE STAR from Willard's Garage. And a special "Underachievement Award".
+++++++++++++++

PS- a big congrats to the reigning points leader, The Wonder Boy Himself, and his new crew chief, who Cecil refers to as "The Vampire LeTarte".
-and-
We watched all the post race shows, but nobody showed footage of Jeff Burton shootin' off the pistols - what's up with that? He did eventually don the Stetson, but seemed reluctant to even do that. Maybe his big brother taught him that you should never just shoot a gun straight up into the air for no reason. Or maybe he didn't want to seem like a show off and "rub it in" in front of his best buddy, who he just beat the snot out of. Or maybe he just thought it was kind of queer. I kinda do. The trophy is a tad unnattractive as well. As Cecil said, it kinda looks like something you'd find at a yard sale at Robert Redford's fishing lodge.

Texas Busch Race *or* ESPN2 Still Sucks

Ah phooey! I'll get to this when I'm done writing about The Big Race. I'm sure ESPN won't mind if I blow off writing about how much their coverage sucks for a day or so... Takes Slack to Know Slack...

Feel free to start leaving comments on it, though, if you like.

I feel bad for the lady tennis players who didn't get any post-game attention after what appeared to be a very intense match.