Monday, December 11, 2006

The NASCAR Awards

Man, y'all. I'm sorry I layed down on ya for the last two races. Somewhere around here I have all the anthems, flyovers, invocations, etceteras on video tape for review, but I just can't get with it. Maybe in January. What the hell, eh? Nothin' else going on then. I just don't feel talky right now. (Third sign of The Apacolypse, by the way...)

But since one of my key Rules of Life is "never, ever, ever let anyone stick anything up your butt", and Rankin' Rob (who is not a diminutive fellow) has been about all the way up my ass since Talladega to write SOMETHING, I give you some comments on the NASCAR Awards Banquet. Submitted for your approval:

We enjoyed the new pre-awards show, "yellow carpet" (what? did someone pee on it?) extravaganza very much. That concept, brought to you by Hollyweird, The Grammies and The Oscars, is about the gayest thing on the planet, and we love us a fag at Willard's, so how could it possibly get any better than Mikey Waltrip & Melissa Rivers hosting the damn thing and commenting on how cute the drivers were and how nice their escort's dresses were? A true sign of NASCAR trying to diversify, bringing us beautiful gowns, homosexual innuendo (Mikey insisting on hugging an extremely uncomfortable Kasey Kahne ), and Evander Holyfield as "The Token Black Guy". Bless his heart, I don't know what they paid him to be there, but I felt bad for him & his entourage. While speaking with Ms. Rivers and Mikey, Rivers asked Holyfield who his favorite driver was, and not only could he not think of one, he had to resort to pointing at Mikey and graciously say, "Well, him, of course..." Didn't even know his name.... oh me. Oh well, probably didn't win any black fans, but the gay contingency should improve...

Highlight was FINALLY getting to see Wendy Venturini's spectacular rack displayed in an appropriate fashion.... For those of you not in the know, Wendy comes from a racing family, but has taken very capably to announcing. Not that she can't drive. She whooped several NASCAR drivers asses in a school bus race recently. Wendy Venturini is the whole package - she knows racin', speaks well, looks great on the camera, and she has tits for days. Her sparkly, but amazingly understated black halter dress finally revealed what SPEED-TV had been hiding for two years by dressing her in the same dowdy Polos & slacks (yes, they are slacks - one step below gold pants) Herman, Spencer, Dillner & Roberts have to wear. God bless you, Wendy. And your little dogs, too.

MORE KUDOS: May I just say how thrilled, and how NOT surprised I was that all of the NASCAR wives & girlfriends had simple, elegant, tasteful dresses on, and how much classier they looked than the vast majority of the Hollywood trash you see on any given "red carpet" "event" ?

I really should have taken notes on the gowns - all the gals looked so pretty. I can't recall whose wife (or girlfriend) it was, but one commented to Wendy V., that she also had the same exact gown Wendy was wearing in her closet, but she decided to go with a more understated one. Good thing, too, cuz Miz Venturini woulda blown her ass offa the carpet. That dame can fill out a dress. (Her nails were perfect, too, by the way. A sweet, clean, short French manicure. Classy, Wendy - very classy....)

BIG SIGH: You know what. I'm gonna wait until I get my Thorazine refill to talk about 3-time host Jay Mohr. I just can't deal with that right now. Cecil & I have pontificated ad infinitum/ad nauseum/ ad hoc for years about how wrong he is for that show. And we frickin' LOVE Jay Mohr. But. Man. I gotta whole 'nother piece on that mess. I just need to be sedated before thinking about it.

STAR OF THE SHOW: No. Not Kyle Busch, but his (soon to be) ex-girlfriend Erika. Who is cute as a button. That girl got more camera time than any of the 10 Championship Contenders. Know why? (Of course you do. If you're here, you're enough of a racing fan that you know already.) For Mr. Jinxy & his ilk, I'll explain. It's because when lil Kyle Busch, a/k/a Shrub, was thanking everyone, he called his girlfriend/escort Erika "Eva". "Who is Eva?" you may ask. That would be Kyle Busch's brother Kurt's WIFE - Eva Busch. And now for the two non-NASCAR fans I need to state that Kurt Busch is also a very famous, talented and not very well liked NASCAR driver.

Okay, so the point is, Kyle called his girlfriend the wrong name, and then the comedy ensued, with over half the other drivers accepting awards making a point of thanking their wives and making sure they had their names straight. Mark Martin turned out to be funnier than Jay Mohr - go figger. Ol' Eyore is funnier than a professional comedian. From New Jersey.

I thought it was cool as shit that Mark Martin made Jay Mohr make a joke about him - and to Mohr's credit - he came up with one pretty quick. Also to Mohr's credit was crackin' wise with Jimmie Johnson & Jeff Gordon (while all three were reading Bride magazine - Jesus! ). Mohr asked if Johnson was gonna build a town the way Jr. did, and Johnson said he would, and he'd call it his "Man- Hood". Git it?! Whereupon Mohr turns to Wonder Boy & says, "He's building a town called "Manhood" and I called *you* 'Brokeback' ????"

heh. I'm sorry, I'll never be able to get enough Johnson/Gordon fag jokes. Not possible.

Reckon the other big highlight was Mohr keeping many paces away from Jeff Burton, whom he had called a prick earlier, to keep Burton from punching him out. Which kinda looked like it might happen for a second. Them Burton boys are small, but they're scrappy...

Okay, guys. That's all I got. I know i suck. At least I'm not Robin Leach, "Royals Expert" though. What the fuck is that about?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was great. I feel like I was there. They need Larry The Cable Guy instead of Jay Mohr as MC.

I want Wendy Venturini to wear that gown during her pre-race coverage. Rowrrr.

What kind of gown was Mikey wearing, anyways?

Thank goodness Willard's is back for my (brief) NASCAR offseason fix.

8:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WTF? You call yourself a NASCAR commentator? No takes on Jeff Gordon's baby or Theresa Earnhardt's dominatrix stance gone stale? Quit smoking that shit and post. Curious minds want to know.

5:46 PM  

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