Monday, October 23, 2006

Nextel Cup Subway 500 - Jared RAWKS

Dang. That was a pretty good race. Except for Jimmy Johnson winning. Ward Burton finished on the lead lap, ahead of that Busch Thing One, in spot 26. Not too shabby considering he ain't been in a car in two years, and he was driving less that stellar equipment. I'm tired, though, so I'll cut the crap and get to the festivities.

THE INVOCATION: Eldred Davis, Raceway Ministries.

Mr. Davis seemed a might nervous, but gave a nice speech.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: performed by The Martinsville High School Marching Band, directed by Kevin Lewis.

I first need to say that Cecil's first of three wives, Katrina, was a twirler for that band back in her day. I love that girl.

The marching band was good, but I liked the jazz band better. However, Cecil & I both kinda dug the ostentatious arrangement they chose. It was very dramatic and heavy on the piccolos. Like sumpin' you'd hear The Boston Pops do on the 4th of July. And to make it cool, they had a girl playing vibes. Vibes! Cool, man. Kooky.

Cecil hemmed and hawed about a rating for them, (you know how he does sometimes....), he said, "Normally a marching band is a sure thing for 4 stars, but they were a little loosey goosey.... I'll give 'em a 3.5 plus another half for having vibes. No. Wait. They're The Bulldogs. Bulldogs get 4 stars. Plus they weren't marching." However you want to slice it:

FOUR STARS from Willard's Garage.

NO FLYOVER: not sure why. It was rainin' - could that be it? Or was it sort of out of respect because of the Hendricks crash?

THE COMMAND: Jared Fogle. You know Jared. Subway Jared. Let me tell you something, I now officially LOVE Subway and Jared. I'll be eatin' some damn Subway sandwiches, mark my words. (No more Jesse Jones hot dogs, though. Blech. Nasty. I like Heeb Franks.)

Old Jared, who looks like the biggest, doofiest cream-puff in the world bared his teeth like a mad dog and just screamed, "GENTLEMEN!!!!!!!" (slight pause) START! YOUR! ENGIIIIIIINESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - his fists were clenched, and he looked like he wanted to punch somebody out. It was awesome. Cecil said "He's just mad cuz he's starving to death." But naw, he was kiddin'. Jared totally rocked.

And better yet, there were no mentions of Subway or it's employees. No bullshit. You know what Subway did? They did what every other fuckin' idiot-bucket race sponsor should do, they made a special commercial that aired one time, and one time only, with Jared saying how cool Martinsville was, and Subway thanked everyone employed there, and all the nice people watching. This unprecedented display of sheer class, coupled with Jared's enthusiastic command earns them the impossible:

FIVE STARS from Willard's Garage.

That's all I got. Stay tuned for Krispy Kreme news.


Blogger Jinxy said...

Holy crap. I was just thinking the other day how ol' Jared had jumped the shark and that he would now have to start looking for real work, aside from being formerly fat.

But now...I dunno.

Wish I had seen that.

10:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Agreed, the Jared campaign has been a brilliant one, and its staying power was probably unintentional. He seems like a regular fat goof who achieved his goals by eating at Subway. Good for him. It's no surprise he did a good job with the command. He obviously loves life.

Just quit showing that stupid commercial of Biffle driving around Watkins Glen with a Subway sandwich hanging from a stick over the front windshield. It's over, Biffle's season's over. Watkins Glen sucks for stock cars. Now, move on, Subway.

Incidentally, it seems to me that Jack Roush has been overplaying his hand lately, alienating Mark Martin, over-coveting lame Jamie McMurray, and messing with Kenseth's mojo by putting Robbie Reiser's name into the NASCAR gossip mill. I hope his engines all break between now and the end of the season. All of them.

12:50 PM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

Dang. I'd like a hex on Rousch, 'cept I like the idea of the Rousch/Yates engines, and me n Cecil both wish Mark Martin well - so no hoodoo from Willard's to Rousch Racing just yet....

But about the hand over-playing, what about David Ragan? WHOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEE! Boy Howdy. And we thought Todd Kluever was a lapse in judgement. Ragan even managed to piss Pee Paw off.

1:07 PM  
Blogger AAW said...

I've got some weird Jared connection going on. A few years back, I worked with his cousin who is about 6' 6" and weighed about 165 soaking wet. THEN about a year later, I was telling the "I worked with Jared's cousin" story to a person who happened to be in my orbit at the time and she informed me that she worked at the Subway in Indiana that Jared started his diet in. Pre commercial. He even asked her out but she declined while fixing him a veggie special. NOW I come over to Willard's garage and y'all are talking Jared.

and, AND I went to Subway today for lunch.

6:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uncanny, jpw. Ragan is from Unadilla and Stockbridge, GA, his daddy ran the Bandolero racing program for Ed Clark at AMS, where young David got his start. Something tells me that Daddy told Jack Roush and NASCAR to spare his boy the ignominy of losing it in one of AMS' wickedly fast turns and taking out half of the chase. The whole Ragan gambit strikes me as not-so-clever desperation on Roush's part with regards to the 6 car and the prevailing sponsor realities. Johnny Benson should drive that car until Ragan is ready. He'd probably win a race or two.

On the other hand, Ragan taking out half the Chase would help my dear just depends on whose ox is being gored, as they say.

7:01 PM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

Dang JPW- that is kinda weird.

You say "Plate of shrimp", then somebody says "plate" or "shrimp".

But cool to know that the entire diet deal wasn't 100% a marketing fabrication. Gives me a little faith in humanity. Not much, but a little. :)

Rob, did you catch Gordon on Wind Tunnel? He admitted to being whiney - which totally endeared him to me. I really do like him, even if he does enunciate.

8:33 PM  

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