Sunday, September 03, 2006

The Sony HD 500 - Fontana, California

THE INVOCATION: given by Jeff Hamilton of Motor Racing Outreach. Um. Nice. Is about it. Very to the point and preacher like. Not colorful. Not dry. Just there.

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM: Was sung by "Sony R & B Recording Superstar" MYA (pronounced May-I , we're told ).

What the fuck? That "singing" was..... I don't know. It reminded me of several things, but the most prevalent thought throughout her brutal savaging of "The Star Spangled Banner" was, "Just close your eyes and think of England."

Normally when I'm being brutally raped, I try to dwell on baseball or pancakes, but they're both so very American, and her rendering (and I mean "render" in all the senses of the word) of our National Anthem was anything but American. I'll give Miss MYA this, she raped the song very tenderly - almost hesitantly - as if she wasn't really sure if she hated her home country or not.... Given her seeming unfamiliarity with the song itself, let alone it's nuances, it's quite likely that she actually doesn't even know where she's from or whose side she's on. And I can forgive her for that, hence my generous bestowal of NEGATIVE THREE STARS AND 8 WEEKS IN GITMO. Or as Cecil calls it, "The Cells, At Guantanamo". (You have to say that in a soothing, tv real estate advertisement voice.)

And this friendly piece of advice: Dear Miss MYA, don't take every gig your agent throws at you.

Damn. My pussy hurts.

Cecil, Bless His Heart, got hung up on her name early on. "May-I". He got to thinking that it would be cool if she became a nun and climbed the ranks to Mother Superior, just to become Mother May I. Then she could start a wrasslin' team with Cardinal Sin. But of course, he knew that in real life she'd never be a Catholic, and if she ever did become a nun she'd take up a name like Sister Castrati, and really, where's the fun in that? Nonetheless, he does think that it might be a good idea for the Catholic Church to get involved in the WWF. Might take some of the attention away from all them not so honorable Priests that have been making the news lately.

Aaaaaaaaaaanyhoooozles, Cecil gives her ONE STAR because "She didn't fall down and she didn't hurt anybody."

THE FLYOVER; Definitely the high mark of the show.

Two beautiful F117-Nighthawks that were so awesome they actually made the crowd cheer for a moment during Miss MYA's miasmatic vocal wanderings.

THE COMMAND: Given by Sony Recording Artist, (but you may know her from her work on American Idol) Kelly Clarkson.

Not bad. Not bad at all. No criticisms.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was otherwise engaged in beer can chicken and missed the first two thirds of the race. Tuned in just in time to watch the 24 team miss their lug nuts. Jeff is excelling in spite of his team and they'd better damn well pick it up heading into the chase.

Kasey Kahne...he's so dreamy...

11:38 AM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

That beer can chicken is popular at Bristol, I hear.

Looks like Wonder Boy "is going to make it after all" - I wonder if he'll throw his helmet up in the air ala Mary Tyler Moore. (grinning & ducking now...)

12:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey by god. I don't care much for her singing style, but that MYA gal is one heapin' spoonful of sweet brown sugar. She's got some amazing dancer's legs that go all the way up, and I could just dive into those big brown eyes. By god.

Completely missed the race again, spent the weekend at the best 2 day party south of the Mason-Dixon line, and it sounds like I didn't miss a thing again.

This coming saturday night I will have the bird on the grill, the PNR on ice, and the TV on the front porch for a real night of racin' (I hope)). By god.

Remus Dawson

3:18 PM  

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