Thursday, August 24, 2006

Scott Branson - Craftsman Truck Series O'Reilly 200 - BRISTOL

CecilSpeak 101: You say "Cannibal", he says "Humanitarian"

Before we begin the Awards Ceremony, a few notes:
Eric Clapton was in attendance as a guest of his buddies the Germain brothers, owners of Todd Bodine & Ted Musgrave's Toyota trucks - it was his first NASCAR event, we're told.

Saw Slowhand having his pitcher made with old Johnny Benson. Wondered if either one of them knew who the other one was, but it woulda been cute if J.B. aked for tips on how to play that Gibson guitar he won a couple weeks back in Nashville. (See Jinxy, how bad can NASCAR suck if one of the trophies is a Gibson?)

I love Johnny Benson. Love, love, love, love, love Johnny Benson. Love him. What a nice guy. I'm so glad he's having a good season.

And real quick: When are they gonna start using the Rolling Stones' song "Happy" when they do features on Kevin "Happy" Harvick? Or use Iggy Pop's "Loose" just any old time? Sure, the lyrics are mostly irrelevant and nasty ( "and I stuck it, deep inside..."), but the Carribean Cruise Line didn't seem to have a problem working around that with "Lust For Life", did they?

INVOCATION: Frank Blevins
Pretty lackluster. I like the truck races because they often get some really funny pastors that seem to love racing more than preaching and get all wacky with the invocation. Not this guy, though. As Sheriff Andy Taylor said of his preacher: "Dry as dust."

THE ANTHEM: Scott Branson - "Local Singing Sensation" (I love it when they say that.)
Well, ol' Scott's got some pipes, no denying that. Hit all the notes with plenty of back-up air to spare. Too bad he sounded like a Southern Dudley Do-right. You know what I mean? That kinda tenor where you immediately envision some dude with a Mountie Hat on, and the chin strap is too tight? He did a nice, true rendering, though. Only got "melismatic" (Thanks for the new word, Remus! You must be the local choir director or sumpin', to know them fancy musical terms.) on "wave"

Cecil keeps saying he needs to learn to read lips so he can figure out what wisecracks the drivers make during such renditions of Our National Anthem.

I give him THREE STARS since he sang it all straight and respectful like. Didn't fill my eyes with tears of pride to be an American, though.

Cecil gives him TWO STARS as it was " a bad combination of church, opera and American Idol. And he didn't get all the words right."

Oh yeah.... I guess I should mention that this Star System is 0-4. Four being "it don't get no better than that", and 0 being zero.

THE COMMAND: Mark Keck, works for some fucking company, I didn't catch it, but he oughtta be demoted after that completely uninspired announcement. What is it with these men lately? They're dynamic enough to become CEOs of big ass companies, but they can't utter three (or sometimes five) simple words with any kind of authority at all? Jesus, if that guy was my boss, I'd be plotting how to overthrow his tired, sorry ass - it couldn't be hard.

I asked Cecil if he had any comments and he said, "I hate to overuse the word "lame", so...... no." He then added, "I think most people are taken aback by the microphone and the enormity of it all."

I call bullshit. If CEO Dude is liable to choke at the enormity of it all, they need to pull some kid who 'gets it' out of the mail room and let him represent their company. It's fuckin' BRISTOL! Truck race or no, it's still Bristol. They'd better get somebody with some balls for the "Sold Out For Eternity Cup Race" on Sunday, or they'll be hearing from me.

Wouldn't that be fun? Organize the NASCAR Nation and get everyone to send hate mail to any Pussy CEO who fucks up the command? Maybe we should send the mail in advance as a kind warning instead.


Blogger Jinxy said...

"...and 0 being zero."

I had no idea how much I missed this blog and it wasn't even here.

Between this and the ENTIRE bucket of (Beijing) Kentucky Fried Chicken I ate, my night is complete.

7:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of the creepiest things I ever heard was Jim Nabors singing "Back Home In Indiana" before the Indy 500 in 1991. He had climbed out of his hospital bed, fresh from a liver transplant, to make the ceremonies. And he sang it just like he had been singing it for a million years. No change in inflection, no alterations what so ever. He was a gay country opera automaton. He's still singing it there every year. Golly, Sergeant Carter...

3:00 PM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

Greetings, Anonymous, thanks for joining us! If/when Jim Nabors dies, they're going to have to do some kinda cryogenic magic to make him still perform BHAiI at The 500 - that is such a huge part of the tradition and fabric of American Sports. I cry every single time he performs that song.

Isn't it cool how race fans delineate the Indianapolis and Daytona 500's? The former is just "The 500", the latter, simply "Daytona". I love living in a place that can't decide which is the most important motor racing event in the country, so we solve it happily by having two. USA! USA! USA!

Jinxy-san (do they add the "san" in China? or is that a Nip thing?) we will make a NASCAR fan of you, yet. A bucket of KFC? Hell yeah!!! Gitchyoo a Dale Jr. Tall Boy and you are ready for Talladega, Baby!

I wonder if "5 Spice Powdah" is one of the "12 herbs and spices"? And if so, do they count it as one herb/spice, or five?

I have worms in my brain.

7:15 PM  

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