Sunday, August 27, 2006

The Kids of Crews & Drivers -BRISTOL - Sharpie 500

The Hilltop Hookers of Bristol:

The Philosophy of Cecil 101: "The American Flag should never be worn as a piece of apparel. Not even by kids singing The National Anthem."

THE INVOCATION: Dave Engbrecht. Didn't catch which church he was from, but he was definitely a bona fide preacher. My favorite part was, " we race The Race of Life, run powered by your Holy Spirit." tee hee. All kidding aside, it was very nice, it truly was.

THE FLYOVER: wtf? I heard it when the kids were singing. I saw them look up at it. Jesus. The United States Air Force really has better things to do than flyovers at races two or three times a week, thirty six weeks a year, NBC really ought to take the time to acknowledge their efforts, if only for a second. Buncha commies.

Dear NBC: YOU SUCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: Performed by the children of the drivers and their crews in conjunction with Motor Racing Outreach.

Now how in the hell can I say anything bad about a buncha cute kids singing "The Star Spangled Banner" ? It can't be done. Even though most of them didn't know what they were singing for or about, and had memorized the words phonetically, (think Ramona the Pest, and her 'dawnzer lee light' ), there is nothing more inspiring, or that fills a person with more Hope and tender Patriotism than 50 or so kids belting out The National Anthem. Of course, I could say the same about "The Theme to Billy Jack". (You laugh, but I've seen it done, and it brought tears to my eyes...)

As always, the kids did a beautiful job. I look forward to their yearly performance at Bristol, which has been a tradition for a number of years. I doubt they've done it for more than 25 years, but I'd love to see a clip with Dale Jr. in there singing along. The boys and girls all had their faces painted, and one little girl had what looked like a giant starfish stuck to her cheek. I wondered if it was an homage (or perhaps a fashion suggestion) to our beloved Janet Jackson, who made a few waves with a similar starfish gee gaw at The Super Bowl a few years back. My only complaint is that none of the kids were "yelly". (That's a musical term coined by famous bluegrass/jazz guitarist Kelly Kessler - buy her records, they're good!)

Normally there's at least one child in the pack that is either trying to upstage the rest, or just doesn't understand the concept of "notes" yet, so he or she shouts all the words. I LOVE IT when that happens. Nonetheless:

FIFTY STARS (just don't wear them, please) from Aint Dixie.

Uncle Fecal (Cecil) sez:
These are children for Chrissakes! How can you judge children?! They're The Future. The Best and Brightest, Etc. !!!! I give 'em a TWO.FIVE (STARS) because they were flat. But for plumb cuteness, they get a 4 outta 4. They still get points taken off for that flag on the head. It's a flag, notta rag."

THE COMMAND: Lynn Engsen, Grand Marshall. Nobody mentioned who she was with. And who cares? This broad belted it out, her fist balled up in front of her, punching the air to punctuate each word as she shouted, "GENTLEMEN! START! YER! INJUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNS!!!!!!!!!" Nice job, Lynn!!!!! FOUR STARS from Willard's Garage.

I wonder how long we'll have to wait for another man to do it right? A couple of my recent past favs. are Adam Sandler and (that freak) Matthew McConaughy. And the Red Hot Chili Peppers somehow managed to endear themselves to even the old-school Crotcheties (D.W. and them) when they did a 3-Stooges like harmony on "Gentlemen", then simultaneously shouted "start your engines". It was cool, but I'll go to my grave wondering if it was or was not disrespectful.

Random thoughts & observations: Wally Dallenbach does this little piece called "Wally's World" each week, where he takes some celebrity for a wall-scraping lap around the track. This week it was a former Georgia Bulldog football player turned actor named Omari Hardwick, who has appeared in a buncha movies I ain't seen. The reason I bring him up is that I could swear it was the same big ol' black dude who videotaped our band The Shiners round about 2000. We had a few beers with him and his partner in crime, whose name I don't recall, but they were taping us for some t.v. show they were trying to get on the air or something weird like that. We had a few beers with him, and he mentioned he was more of a "sports guy", but he really dug us. ( We did notice the camera man spent a lot of time focused on a couple Confederate Flags on the stage...)

I hope it's the same guy. (How many black guys named Omari can there be, for Chrissakes? Wait! Don't answer that!) We had a lot of fun with the Omari we hung out with, and if he isn't Omari Hardwick, I hope he's enjoying the same amount of success that Hardwick is, because he was a super cool guy. Even if you're a bigass football player, it takes a lot of balls to be one of two black dudes to come into a bar jam-packed with drunk rednecks and Confederate Flags, not knowing a soul there. But, as humans are prone to do, we all found we had a lot in common, dispelled any preconceived notions anyone might have had about anything, and generally had a great time, although it was much too short. Omari & crew had to dash off for yet another shoot that night.

Musical suggestion: FOX, NBC & ABC need to have Van Halen's "Jamie's Cryin" at the ready for the driver of Jack Roush's #96 car driver Jamie McMurray. (The Metrosexual of NASCAR, and Tom Cruise look-a-like). Bless his heart, I love Jamie, he seems like a puddin', but he'll turn on the water works given the chance. He bawled when he didn't make The Chase in Richmond in 2004, he bawled when he won Rookie of the Year - (or was it the 11th Spot, Runner-Up Award?) - and then the next year he promised he wouldn't cry when he was onstage at the NASCAR Awards. (Very endearing.) But after any given race that didn't go well, he gets a little fliberty-giberty. God Love Him. Well, he ain't the only driver in touch with his feminine side, so he has that going for him. Which is nice.


Blogger Jinxy said...

I respectfully disagree with Uncle Fecal.

10:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I missed the entire pre-race because I thought that like other tracks, BMS didn't really mean that they would start running laps at 8:00pm. Oh, well.

TNT had the coverage, using the NBC stiffs. Either way, they are blowing off our military. I think it's high time they took the anti-American activist Bennie Parsons off of the telecast and started showing the flyover. Communist bastards.

The night race at Bristol is THE SHIT. You should go some time.

rankin' rob

12:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey by god. I missed the entire damn weekend because I had to take a trip with my old lady. And the place we stayed din't have real cable, so I spent saturday night watching "Cops" reruns. By god. Maybe one of the racin' channels will show a repeat of the race. Oh I went to Bristol one year, and got to watch the entire race from the infield (good connections). I listened to the first two laps without my headphones on, and it sounded like two planets crashing together. The rest of the race I sat in turn 3 on the helicopter landing port (until security made me move) and watched wreck after wreck after wreck. When Rusty finally won it, I was actually standing in his pit and got a "high five" from the jackman. That was in the good ol' days when common folk like me could get a pass every now and then, by god.

Jamie McMurray is somebody's bitch...

Remus Dawson

5:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The 'infield' at Bristol is the closest thing to Rollerball that you can achieve in this day and age. I'm glad to have scarfed some inside access before it became so big. I always enjoyed the fact that in the old days the media center stocked only the NASCAR essentials, gratis: slim jims, RJ Reynold's tobacco products, coffee and barbecue for lunch.

In those days, before the Tunnel, once you were in the infield, you weren't going anywhere until the track had been cleared.

rankin' rob

8:47 AM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

to Jinxy: Cecil sez, "wouldn't she look better without it?"

TNT, NBC, same dif - they're in it together. Ptoooie!

to Remus & Rob: please never stop commenting!! We thrive on the stories from the good ol' days - so sad we missed it. Hopefully we'll have a lady with a similar history start commenting soon, too. God Bless the NASCAR historians.

I'd love to see a night race at Bristol - but how? Doesn't someone have to die for you to get a ticket?

Don't let Jack Roush fool you, McMurray is Rusty's bitch - all the way. I used to think Herman was the 'mo of the family, but I know different now...

And speaking of Rusty, what's with letting his kid drive with Tourette's? You can't drive with a case of the Chronic Herkie Jerkies can you?

Remus - dude - so sorry about you missing the lame coverage. SPEED will re-air it on Thursday I think - check local listings, as they say. May I console you by saying "You didn't miss much"?

8:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...And speaking of Rusty, what's with letting his kid drive with Tourette's? You can't drive with a case of the Chronic Herkie Jerkies can you?...

Tourettes by god! That's gonna make for some damn good post race interviews - "The Toyota Prozac car was running good.. FUCKFACE!... Oops, sorry... until Kyle Busch.. shiteater!.. dang, there it goes again (or did it?) ran into my rear quarterCUNTpanel...

Haw, by god.

...Remus - dude - so sorry about you missing the lame coverage. SPEED will re-air it on Thursday I think - check local listings, as they say. May I console you by saying "You didn't miss much"?...

Hell, anytime they talk more about the points than the fights at a Bristol race, it had to suck. Do these "gentlemen" meet for tea and friggin' crumpets before the dang race nowadays?

Bring on Richmond, by god. Screw that lame ass Califonia craptrack, out there with all the vegetarian, granola snortin', Hilton fuckers, by god.

Remus Dawson

9:12 PM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

Heh. Well, it is Rusty's kid - when it comes to the swearing, the world will never know if it's the Tourette's or if he's just a chip off the old blockhead. Now when he starts running into walls for no good reason.... .....wait, he already does that...

FUCKIN' A, REMUS!!! You've hit on the new slogan:

"Richmond. It's The New Bristol".

Nice work, Champ!

9:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I attended the "Candy Ass 500" this past Sat. night. For Bristol standards it was a snoozer. We're even talkin' about not buying anymore tickets to the major races and just go to the track for the camping/party and sit at the camper and watch the damn show on satellite and listen to the drivers on our scanners. It's getting worse and worse...I go to Charlottte and watch the Jimmie Johnson show. This past Sat. night was nothing more than "everyone be real nice and stay where you are and we'll all get through this together". PAALEEEEZE. I'm used to seeing helmets and water bottles flyin' though the air!!

(one of The) Hilltop Hookers

9:15 PM  
Blogger Tim said...

Dave Engbrect is my pastor from the Nappanee Missionary Church in Nappanee Indiana :)

9:36 PM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

Well Bless Your Heart, Tim - I don't know what a nice church going boy like you is doing here, but your preacher is cool, and if y'all have time, pray for me.

Because I'm about a wrong one.

8:12 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home