Tuesday, August 29, 2006

A Winning Robot? - The NASCAR Lavander Theory Continues

You know, if Kenseth wins a couple more races this year, I may change my tune, but for now all I have to say is, "At least it ain't Jimmie Fucking Johnson!" I don't know why people hate him so - he's so lackluster, there's really nothing to hate. Except for his propensity to blame anyone & everyone else when he fucks up. Okay. That's a good enough reason.

Did any of you catch the tv commercial that aired last year that showed his crew chief Chad Knauss at an angle where you could see straight up his not inconsiderable nostrils? He had a booger the size of The World's Largest Ball of Twine up there. Man, he musta got shit around the garage for ages over that. Love. It.

But I'm here today, Brothers and Sisters, to talk about Matt Kenseth and his former teammate Jeff Burton. Have we noticed how thier chumminess seems to increase daily. Can they just come out and say they love one another? Please. Because it's so fucking obvious. I'm sure it's in that heterosexual "Man Love" sort of way. But it is Love, L-U-V.

What the heck race was it last year when they both got out of their wrecked cars, leaned up against Burton's, arms akimbo, laughing and kibbutzing about the race that had just ended?

After hearing some of Kenseth's good natured ribbing over his radio at Bristol, I mistakenly thought he was talking to Burton and not his spotter. Cecil said, "What? You think they got walkie talkies in there to chitty chat with one another?"

No. Of course not. But what if.... ? Cecil imagined a scenario where they'd be frantically text messaging on their Blackberries and trying to race at the same time.

Kenseth: "I M KRAY-Z 4 U!!!!!"

Burton: "Matt, do you think the Car of the Future makes my butt look big?"

Of course, we kid. We love our dear South Boston native dearly - he's the only Burton we've got until Ward comes back. And I can't hate Kenseth. Not being a big Wisconsin Lovah the way I am. Plus he named his cat after Lars Ulrich - how cool is that? But for now, as John Boy & Billy like to say:

"Where y'all goin' later?"



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kenseth is well on his way to becoming the David Pearson of his time. Doesn't draw much attention to himself, but drives the car to the edge of it's capacity without losing it. He never seems to put a wheel wrong. And the 17 crew has been the best for a couple of years here. Passing five cars in the pits will probably make the difference in the championship, if it comes down like it did two years ago. But how about a little more color, cheesehead? I do dig the new DeWalt hats with the black stripes on the front. Those are sporty.

Jeff Burton slowed down there for a few years after Ironhead got killed at Daytona. I think it unnerved him. But now he's golden. Hot car, hot sponsors, good on TV. Everything that poor Ward is not, apparently. I would love it if he sneaked up and won a race or two and the championship.

Anyone But Busch, that's my motto.

9:09 AM  
Blogger The Dixie Butcher said...

I don't know if Burton & Kenseth are cut from the same racing cloth - maybe some of you guys who saw Burton back when would know -- but they sure seem to study from the same book now. (Burton having obviously spent a bit more time on the "Mark Martin" chapter...)

Stealthy. Roush recently called Kenseth "cold-blooded" - referring to his racing style, not being from Kaaaahookookohookookoo, The Lower Great White North.

It's hard to think of Howdy Doody being cold-blooded. Kenseth's alright by me, though.

Interesting cultural aside: The last couple times we've been in Vilas County, Wisconsin (that's Way North, y'all) they still featured local dirt track racing results & footage prominently on the local news. All the drivers looked like either Terry Labonte or Todd Bodine. You could drop them right into the old Saturday Night Live "Da Bears" sketches and they woulda fit right in.

And yes, Anon. - Anyone But Busch. Words to live by.

4:57 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home